It seems I've been getting obsessed with trading lately, born from craving and clinging to money. It makes me feel like watching all the 41 Episodes of ICT Trader on YouTube for a complete trading tutorial. It makes me feel like checking my portfolio every five minutes, to see if something nice would happen. It makes me feel like watching all the charts of crypto and forex pairs to find some great setups.
I've been striving a lot for the sake of financial independence lately, with my effort reaching newer highs this month than the past months. Unfortunately, this makes it harder for me to take naps in the middle of the day, as my mind is constantly overthinking about charts and trading. Thus, I often take naps with eyes closed but not actually falling asleep.
Why? Because my mind is obsessed over the possibility of "freedom" if I ever got the money. Because my mind is anticipating that life will stop being annoying if I ever got the money. Because my mind is deluded into thinking that everything would be perfect if I got the money. Because my mind is desperately trying to escape from the increasing emotional pollution within the household. Because my mind is fooled into thinking that trading is a true get-rich-quick scheme. Because my mind is planning to use the money abandon and leave everything, experiencing the bliss of true solitude.
That and countless other infinite reasons and emotions are why I'm getting a little addicted to trading. Still, it's impossible for me not to meditate for an hour each day. This regular meditation is like my life vest that prevents me from drowning in the ocean of desire and affliction. From meditating, I have observed the four phases of emotional reactions.
When people become emotional, that means they are currently going through the phases of emotional reactions. Emotions usually starts with a trigger, either something like a habit or an event, that would lead the individual to imagination or recollection.
The first phase is Imagination. It is when the person, having triggered by a specific thought or stimuli, is led to imagine an alternate reality in the present or future, which may either be desirable or undesirable. Instead of imagination, they may also be forced to remember some specific memories of their past depending on the current situation.
However, their imagination and recollection is usually distorted by their own personal beliefs and narratives, which can be far from reality. They are not reacting from the reality of the situation itself, but they are reacting to their imagined reality, based on their own projected version of reality. This phase is highly automatic and unconscious, to prevent it is like trying not to see anything when your eyes is open.
When their imagination or recollection touches some of their values or personal narratives, they feel identified with it. Thus, the next phase is Identification, where they agree and identify with their imagined reality, adding it to their own personal narrative, then projecting it to the world. They begin to think to themselves "Ah, that must be true, because that's what happened before. And because I'm like this and that, it's normal for this to happen to me".
Then according to their subconscious habits, they would usually try to possess the emotion and make it part of themselves, feeling like "this is my pain!", "I am sad!", or "I'm so happy!". It is through this Identification phase that try to turn their imagined versions of reality into reality itself, which inevitably creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, further spinning the wheel of self-sabotage.
This second phase isn't as automatic as the real one, as it is only deeply habitual. One can easily prevent Identification by catching it within their mind and not letting it continue, such practice is usually called Mindfulness. It's like seeing your favorite food and not thinking "I am hungry", though one may still think "It seems my mind is making me feel hunger, and wants me to identify with it. No." This may be difficult at first but with enough Mindfulness, one can do this effortlessly.
The phases of emotional reaction doesn't simply end with the Identification phase. After identifying with the emotion, they begin to anticipate what will happen in the near future, projecting their emotions born from imagination to the unsuspecting reality. For those in the Anticipation phase, they firmly believe that everything they do is rationally justified according to their own personal narrative, that they are thinking the right thing, feeling the right emotions, and doing what's right. Thus, it's impossible to convince or persuade anyone in the Anticipation phase unless they show understanding of their personal narrative.
The emotional intensity reaches its peak at the Anticipation phase, such that the anticipation of happiness feels better than the actual happiness itself after the results, and the anticipation of pain is more painful than the actual pain itself. From this point, they are expecting that something will happen and they feel completely sure that it will happen. Interestingly, what makes that something happen isn't because of what they think but it's their mind and behavior that unconsciously makes it happen. This is what we usually call "self-sabotage".
The third phase is difficult to stop once the individual has fully identified with the emotion. It's only natural that those who feel scared will begin to Anticipate that something bad will happen. Perhaps it's because they Imagine that something bad will happen that they feel scared, leading then to Anticipate it. Imagination and Anticipation may sound rather similar, but the former is simply a mental construct while the latter is the projection and unconscious forceful realization of that mental construct.
Finally, the ultimate ending of all emotions, of all clinging and craving, is Disappointment. This is the last phase of emotional reaction, which happens regardless of whether their Anticipated Reality arrives or not. If one is fearing for the worst and it actually happens, they'll still be disappointed because part of them is hoping that it won't happen. If it didn't happen, they'll still be disappointed because part of them is hoping that it will happen.
Or maybe they're not disappointed and they're actually happy that it happened. But then, they'll cling to their happiness which would eventually end as if it never existed in the first place, leaving them with Disappointment. There's really no way out of this. All emotions are about clinging or craving in some way or another, that it unconsciously assumes that the illusion is true, that it will last forever, that it will be the ending.
Unfortunately, no illusions, no imaginations, and no mental projections are true, neither will they last forever nor become the final ending. The reality is, everything is constantly changing, everything that begins will eventually end. The truth is, everything is a mirage, all things have neither end nor beginning. They will neither end nor last. Emotional reactions neither abides by reality nor does it abide by the truth, that's why it's always disappointing.
Either way, emotional reactions and suffering may appear to be real but they're also a mirage, an illusion born from the mind of clinging and craving. This doesn't mean they don't exist — they neither exist nor do they not exist, all illusions are like that. The best word to describe reality is Thus, the reality as-is, without any discrimination, without any coming nor going, yet can appear to give rise to every discrimination, to all coming and going.
Indeed, even my obsession with trading and money is just an emotional reaction, where I'm fully identified and possessed, anticipating that life will be much better if I ever have money. As I am already fully identified, it is impossible to convince my mind in any logic or emotion for it see that life isn't all about money.
But thinking about it, I don't have to convince or persuade myself at all. There's no need to struggle against our own mind. We don't need to convince our legs to move just for it to move. We don't need to come up with a ten thousand word speech just to convince our arms to move. The same goes for the mind, I don't need to do anything to make it move — it's already moving according to my will.
I may be influenced by ten thousand other factors but in the end, this is still my will, it is still my mind. I am moving of my own accord and I can stop when I want to stop. It's just that this time, I don't want to stop and there's no need to feel guilty about it. All emotions and suffering are natural, naturally man-made. It would only create more suffering to feel bad or guilty about it.
Sometimes gentle awareness is enough to break the strongest of habits, just like how a constant drop of water would eventually break even the toughest stone. I may not be able to stop my obsession, but now that I'm more aware of it, perhaps I can try to slow down and see life from another perspective.
"Forcing the solution often creates a worse problem. Let everything flow without getting swept in it, but simply watching everything from above."
"One must learn to question oneself before questioning everything else."
"When scaling the wall seems impossible, it may be a good idea to look for a door."