After binge reading and wasting hours of my time procrastinating again, I meditated for over an hour, where I made several life-changing decisions.
First of all, I will stop playing all play to earn games and liquidate all my in-game assets. I simply cannot force myself to be entertained anymore. Those games may be fun but they earn extremely little compared to be effort expended. I can't afford to waste my life like that for so little fun and profits.
There's this interesting quote that appeared in my meditation: "What one man worked his entire life to get, another gains in an instant." I want to be the one who gains everything in an instant, not the one who works my entire life for a few pennies. This doesn't mean I won't put any effort, it simply means I will not expend unnecessary effort for little gain.
Second, I will always open my eyes of reality at all times, not resorting in vain clinging, craving, and entertainment. I realized that those things that are supposed to be fun and entertaining, the "fun" I get is an illusion I get from forcing myself to have fun because I was not able to accept the mundane, I was trying to avoid reality.
"When one realizes that there's nothing truly enjoyable in the world, they'll experience true enjoyment."
I finally understand what this quote means.
It's like we have the key to happiness and we're searching for what door it will fit. We tried to open countless doors but none of those fit the key. None of the chests we bought fit those keys either. Where will it fit?
Such hypothetical situation is a reference to the scene in a webtoon I read, where the main character has a strange key that he always had with him ever since he was born but he has no idea where it is for. When he experiences a terrible situation that pushes him beyond the limits, a hidden keyhole appeared in his forehead, and the key perfectly fits, unlocking all his latent potential within.
Likewise, the keyhole to happiness, success, and whatever has always been ourselves. How do we unlock it? I don't know, perhaps it's something we have to see for ourselves.
Third, I will not let myself become trapped in any kind of attachments. Whether they are games, food, money, and people, I will always be careful not to suddenly find myself spending high amounts of time and effort to anyone or anything. Someone suddenly offers me a job that pays 1 billion? I will not accept immediately. I will not dive into anything that obstructs even a single strand of my personal freedom.
Fourth, I will not search for "replacements". Neither will I do anything to "fill" the "hole" of emptiness inside. This story, this personal narrative of feeling empty will now become powerless before me. It shall now appear like any other fleeting emotion — as ancient ruins of the castle of desire and clinging.
I will always remain vigilant and aware of my actions, such that I will not fall back into seeking something or someone, then attaching myself to the object of desire, eventually sucking my time, effort, and freedom for weeks, months, and years.
Fifth, I will prioritize knowledge before money and comfort. From now on, information is much more valuable to me than any amount of money. Having realized the importance of conducting research before investing any time or effort to any kind of activity, I will not lose my rationality for any material objects of desire and I will always perform enough research out of due diligence.
Likewise, I will prioritize wisdom before knowledge. I will not lose my sense of meaning and intuition just to preserve my reasoning and logic. The roots are the virtues, the trunk is the wisdom, the branches are the knowledge, and the fruits are money, progress, and whatever. I am not interested in the fruits as much as I am interested in developing the roots and the trunk.
Sixth, instead of researching and trying out manifestation magic, I will take a dive into learning how to see and communicate with spirits. What I truly need isn't any material possessions and comfort but information and wisdom. I know that am an ignorant person like anyone else, information will help me better than any material comforts in life. Communication with spirits will perfectly fit with my "silent introvert build", not to mention they can also see the near future as well.
Likewise, I know that I am not superior or better than anyone. Each person is simply circumstantially trapped in the whirlpool of desires and suffering, I'm simply lucky to become aware of it and escape such a deadly whirlpool. Again, I will closely monitor all thoughts, sensations, feelings, and behavior I may experience that exhibits any sense of superiority and through compassionate gentle awareness brought by the hands of wisdom, dispel it as if it never existed in the first place.
Lastly, all these changes will take immediate effect upon writing. I am confident that I'll be able to them all, to make them all happen, because I am not doing this simply because it's what I think it's best but because I am tired and exhausted from this pointless theater performance, playing with imagined audiences and judges.
I have almost reached my limit. All my hopes and dreams have been thoroughly crushed. The tower of cards I have been trying to build has completely collapsed. I shall now tear apart this fabricated reality, burn all these personal narratives and stories, and take refuge in the one and only Truth.
"Those who do things because it's good, will stop doing it when it doesn't feel good. Those who do things because they feel good, will stop doing it when they realize it's wrong."
"There's no greater delusion than the sense of superiority and inferiority."
"When it feels too heavy, it's okay to drop them all."