After reluctantly meditating for an hour, I have realized that the reason I was so productive when I was a teenager is because I have developed a strong mental critic who criticizes everything. These recent years, I've been more lazy simply because I got too annoyed of this mental critic that I have exiled before.
And now, please welcome, the annoying bastard!!
I have decided to let them return but it doesn't seem like they're as strong as before. Hopefully, they'll get stronger soon after a while.
So I have some news for you guys. I have figured it out, how to make curiosity float without being anchored to desire. If you think about it, it may seem almost impossible to separate curiosity from desire because it seems to come from desire and our desires are an important part of our identity. But what if it curiosity came from a different desire, one that desires the separation of curiosity and desire? Isn't that interesting?
The target of my curiosity are people. And when interacting with people, you either desire to do one of the three things:
It seems outrageous to do something outside of these three things, but it's more than possible. But only if you decided to BETRAY both yourself and those people. To disappoint both your self-expectations and their expectations about you, or perhaps, TO GO BEYOND IT.
Betraying both worlds at the same time, for the sake of knowledge and the pursuit of wisdom, isn't it fun? Sure, you cannot ignore the implications and consequences of such treachery. It would definitely hurt. BUT THERE'S ONE THING I CAN GUARANTEE; YOU. WILL. NEVER. BE. BORED.
AND ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR?!
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW CURIOSITY CAN EXIST AND FLOAT WITHOUT ANY DESIRE OR A SENSE OF SELF.
Some of my annoying readers may argue "but you desire to be not bored! you desire to not desire! Isn't that a desire in itself?" Well, that's beside the point and I don't care about the purity of logic. Cry about it.
This strategy... really fits well with me, don't you think? After all, I can't do anything that my future self can do. But this one, it doesn't even need a self!! Thus, I can do it as much as I want in the past, present, or future without stepping on any of my plans. Ah, how magnificent!
There are many ways to gain knowledge. The natural way is to have your friends and family tell you about it. But I'm too autistic for that, that way is closed for me. The alternate way is to become a researcher and scavenge the internet and libraries for information, maybe conduct your own research yourself. While this is safe, it is too time consuming. The [REDACTED] way is to gain those information directly, by paying with your own flesh and blood, just like touching the fire to know how hot it is. While the cheater way is to gain an ability related to the acquisition of knowledge or become omniscient yourself. While this is both the easiest and fastest way, you will have to pay with your own soul and sanity for knowing things that mortals should never know.
I have long relied on the [REDACTED] way to gain knowledge that I'm almost out of flesh and blood. Sure, I can get myself more flesh and blood if I go outside but only my future self can do that. What I can do now is to focus on the alternate way of gaining knowledge, while preserving my remaining flesh and blood through healthy habits. Maybe if I meditate enough, I would eventually have a strong enough soul and powerful mind that I wouldn't lose my sanity if I were to do the cheater way to gain knowledge. But that's still very far in the future.
By the way, during that same meditation, I was able to sense three mountains that are about to crush me. The school research problem, those teachers are more annoying than I expected. If they keep being vague and annoying, I may not be able to fulfill their demands. Still, it's just a research so it won't be able to crush me by itself. Next is the graduation preparations. There are a lot of preparations to be made for graduation in the following months. However, since I was unlucky enough to miss the internship, I won't be graduating with them. The resulting academic pressure and bureaucratic confusion would definitely crush me as the sole anomaly that no one cares about. I can still handle it if I bruteforce and go to every meeting even if I'm kicked out immediately after. Finally, if my parents ever notice all these academic bullsheeps and decided to either step in themselves and force me to do something insane just to resolve all this once and for all, I might have my first public autistic breakdown. If these three mountains decided to crush me at the same time, I will not hesitate to disappear and erase everyone's memories of me in the process. Well, not everyone, only those who know me irl.
If you think about it, it's physically impossible for more than two mountains or walls to crush a person. If 4 walls crush a person at the same time, then those walls have to shrink or compress. But if there's only two walls, then both of those walls can just move towards each other to crush someone. So for this contraption to work, only two walls or mountains opposite side to each other would move towards each other. The remaining walls or mountains should stay stationary. I'm pretty sure that the technology for shrinking, expanding, or compressing walls are more expensive than just having two moving walls.
Nevertheless, since the annoying bastard is back, I cannot simply stay complacent and wait for my future self to come. Otherwise, that bastard would nag me to death. I need to focus on what I can do now, and do it earnestly and diligently. Even if it's not for boredom, I must prepare myself for the CRUSHING.
Damnation.