I knew Jules was lying. That I could convince myself of. If I had been smarter, I would have been able to convince myself that she knew I was, too.
I’d never seen her do drugs. Well, a little bit of drinking and a little smoking pot. Those don’t count. Not really. Not to our generation.
But I’d never seen her do any hard drugs, and I didn’t know that she did them, and I didn’t know the rest of her problems. Hell; I didn’t know the half.
"Do you want to do these hallucinogenic mushrooms with me?"
"No. No." Like: no, I would never do that. Get that away from me.
That was the first clue—that I didn’t see.
I mean: if she really had never done hallucinogenic mushrooms or anything like them, if she really would never do "something like that", then her reaction would have been less strong, less judgmental-seeming, less extreme. It might have even been curious. It’s the people so opposed to something who are susceptible to it.
My mother has never smoked a cigarette. Not one, not in her entire life. She’s "just never had any interest in it". That’s not something she does. Her dad died of alcoholism. I’m a drinker. But I’m telling you: it didn’t skip a generation, she’s just so opposed to what her parents did (father drinking, mother smoking) that she’s never going to smoke a cigarette. That’s her intention. That she’ll likely do. But it’s a dangerous position..to oppose. You’re always having to uphold that thing you’re against. You have to stand firm. You have to be vigilant. All those mantras from the twelve steps are middling shit. It’ll help you get so far, but then what—you’ve got to oppose the devil for the rest of your life? People opposing him..is the reason he exists.
So basically—sorry for hitting you with all that Derrida.. Basically: Jules was on drugs and she was hiding it from me. And, basically, I was on drugs and I was hiding it from her.