Heavy... My bag.. is way too fucking heavy. How is it possible, that I'm not scared to move to another village on my own yet I'm still too scared to talk to people.
Maybe it's because moving to another village doesn't involve approaching and talking to people. Perhaps I moved precisely because of my fear of uncertainty. And that same fear that made me live alone is also the same fear that prevents me from approaching others.
Okay, enough thinking about the past. We need to do better today. Not just better, but we need to complete the mission assigned to us. Remember that the real ultimate reason why we went outside is to fulfill our dreams, not to become a pitiful homeless kid.
We're going to plan this through in complete detail within one hour, then go outside to execute our plans, is that clear?
Damn it, writing sheep without wearing clothes is a strange sensation. But I couldn't care less about sensations right now. We have to do this if we don't want to spend the rest of the day walking to the mental hospital.
Hey you. Yes, you there lying on the hotel bed. Are you an idiot? You paid the complete price for freedom yet you're not using it? You're going to fucking die of starvation and thirst if you keep it up. Worse, you'll get deported to where you came from.
We've always daydreamed about using our freedom. And now that you're here, you're going to back away? You can't back away now. You have crossed the line of no return. I know shedding your old skin is really hard and painful, but no one cares. Using the sword of freedom is heavy, painful, and difficult but if you don't use it, you know best what would happen.
You know what separates a homeless beggar to a free person? The homeless beggar has all hope and plans, while a free person is full of infinite hope and plans that it's contagious, they will attract people to them just fo receive the hope they carry. Which one do you want to be?
Another thing. One of the reasons why you came here is to prove your theories, to justify your existence. You believed that your strange existence, along with your unconventional methods, would be more than enough to survive and thrive in an unknown urban jungle alone. Where is that belief now? Did it tuck its tail between its legs and ran away the moment it faced the spotlights? Come on. You did this in the first place because you're willing to die as much as you're willing to live.
Look around, the crowd is cheering for you. It's your stage now.
It's your time to shine.
If you are to justify your existence, to prove that people can live alone using their own hands, without forcing themselves to eat the bland rations that society gives just so they don't have to decide anything for themselves, how can you act with guilt and shame? Fear isn't worth mentioning. NO, MY CHILD, YOU NEED TO BE PROUD! STAND PROUD! WALK PROUD! SPEAK PROUD!
CARRY YOURSELF WITH PRIDE! You are a free person now. So think like a free person. All those possibilities you can see? You can grab any of them now! No longer do you need to stay in the sidelines and watch them pass by.
You will have to die here one way or other. Either you will kill your old self with the sword of freedom or you will die from your own indecision and incompetence. Isn't this what you wanted? You suffer in your own dramatic and creative way? To die in such a spectacular fashion?
Time, time, time, time, what's in a time? What does a free being like you need for a time? You're not a robot mindlessly following instructions anymore. You have paid for your life and future just to secure this freedom. You don't have to follow the clocks of others anymore. The only time that matters is your own. Only those who are not free needs to look at the clock. You are free, DECIDE what time it is.
Enough pep talk, I'm sure you already get the point; that you're no longer the meek and timid boi who's stuck in their head analyzing all possibilities without acting on them. NOW YOU'RE THE BOLD AND AWKWARD YOUNG LAD WITH INSATIABLE CURIOSITY, GRABBING ALL POSSIBILITIES THEY WANTED.
Forget about all the threats to your future and survival. You don't need any of them to keep going. Your curiosity alone is more than enough. Stop thinking, start imagining, START SMILING.
Here's the plan. - [ ] First, you need to buy a shampoo. Ask for their name and introduce yourself before buying. Think of it as the act of drawing your sword. - [ ] Second, follow the instructions below:
Remember our interview list? The one below? It's not enough, so we'll be adding more questions. Ultimately, we will use the sword of freedom to fulfill our dreams. Therefore, it would be wise to lay the groundwork now.
There are lots of information to gather. Let's start with a semi-structured interview.
Optional:
After you have asked these questions to many people and they still didn't do anything interesting, then you will add the following questions between questions 1 and 2.
1.3. To tell you the truth, I'm homeless and I need a job, do you know where I can find a job? Anything will do. 1.3.1. If you don't know anyone, can you refer me to someone who knows? 1.6. I need a place to stay and sleep at night. Do you know where I can find something like that? 1.6.1. If you don't know anyone, can you refer me to someone who knows?
If you find it hard to approach these people and ask these questions, I do not care. Why don't you just swing an imaginary sword in the park and practice swinging the sword of freedom so you'll be more ready to stab someone with it? Not that you'll ever be ready. Finish by 12, eat lunch, and go back to your inn. Rest until 4 and checkout. You'll probably checkout early when you succeeded, which I'm sure you will.
Follow my words and I'll make you the greatest swordsman there is.
I WILL TELL YOU ONE LAST TIME. THINK LIKE A FREE PERSON. DO NOT THINK IN TERMS OF OBLIGATIONS, DUTIES, AND RESPONSIBILITIES. YOU HAVE NONE OF THAT ANYMORE.
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO AND WHAT IS POSSIBLE.
SWING YOUR SWORD OF FREEDOM ONTO THE PATH OF CURIOSITY. THIS IS YOUR FIRST SWORD DANCE.
AREN'T YOU CURIOUS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU DO THIS AND THAT?! AREN'T YOU EXCITED?! LIFE IS FUN!
No, we will not publish this article until you have succeeded and documented all your interactions and failures.
If you have a target, stop thinking about yourself. Think about them. Respect them and show your respect for them. That will annihilate most of your anxieties.
Stop everything. Just focus on your breathing and walking. Round 2 is also a failure by default.
Whenever you go outside; always bring your key, umbrella, and money.
From now on, when you're outside, the only thought allowed is "Don't think too much about it, focus on your breathing."
You failed. No, I failed too. Both of us failed. I wouldn't even be bothered if you give up now. Our powers aren't working either. We have confirmed that we're not protagonists.
We failed to kill our old self.
We failed to find a place to sleep.
And now.. only one thing awaits.
I'm writing this with only 9% of battery left. I have no money left to afford a hotel or charge my phone. I'm currently eating my last meal, the most expensive meal I've ever bought for myself with my last remaining money; bicol express + 4 cups of rice.
I've read some of the text messages. It seems my family is worrying about me greatly. They said that my mom was bawling her eyes out everyday. She must sad. I can't know for sure, I don't feel anything anymore. Last night, I slept on the streets. I didn't feel anything except the discomfort of not sleeping in proper position. I didn't feel cold or sad.
I checked in at the hotels believing that I'll be able to cry my eyes out. But not only did I not shed a single tear, I didn't even feel sad in the slightest. Maybe the cold aircon have already dried my tears?
I thought I'll be able to go against my own biology. That if I exposed myself to extreme environments marked by the fierce struggle for survival, my personality will be forced to change. Spoiler: it did not.
If I can't fulfill the obligations given to me by the society, and neither can I survive outside of society, where will I go? It's simple. Yes, it's that place, one you instantly knew but dare not believe.
I thought I'll be able to write a better story than the one society wrote for me. But it's no good. A story is only as good as its characters. With the same weak and timid protagonist, the story is bound to be lame as well.
6%. When my phone battery runs out, I will fulfill one of my long-cherished dreams; to walk dramatically and aimlessly into nowhere until my legs give up, then I'll meditate for an infinite amount of time until all life in this mortal vessel has disappeared.
I may not be able to write a better story, but I sure know how to end a bad one quickly.
Thank you for reading all the articles. I hope you learned something from this blog.
(Okay, that's enough. Let's go back. I told you to live and die like a fool, not like an idiot. A lifetime of shame is more preferable than a having no life at all. Besides, haven't we already achieved our initial goals? )