Bankruptcy

I have lost thousands of money from blowing up countless trading accounts. I have became financially bankrupt. However, the true problem lies in the bankruptcy of self-esteem.

It is indeed regrettable. If only... if only I did not attach my self-worth to my status and possessions, then I would not have have been so disappointed regardless of what happens. The greatest mistake I have made isn't losing thousands of money but measuring my self-worth in terms of perishable materialistic possessions, such as knowledge and wealth.

Ah I've been chasing money for untold eons that I haven't written any articles at all. In truth, it's not that I'm chasing money but I'm chasing the feeling of being proud of myself for doing something great without relying on anyone. "I'll be proud of myself I do this and that" — such thoughts may seem motivational at first, then becomes extremely poisonous after a while.

How foolish, how human. Is it really that difficult to be proud of ourselves by simply existing? Does appearances and results determine the worth of our lives? Well, that's what we decided, and our decisions becomes the truth.

To be honest, I just want some money so I can legally buy an abandoned house in an abandoned city, then have an enjoyable luxurious depression away from humanity. It's really dumb but that's what I thought at the time. I believed it would be better and more fun to be sad if I'm eating lots of pizza without any trace of humans around me.

It's too bad though, I lost all of hard-earned money instead. The newbie trader can't help but go through the cycle of Rationality -> Arrogance -> Greed -> Revenge -> Fear -> Bankruptcy -> Humility -> Rationality in their first trading sessions with live funds.

First, they'll try to be logical and rational, earning their first dollar. Feeling arrogant, they refuse to accept any loses and doesn't add any stop loss anymore. When they still lose, it will deal a heavy blow to their ego, so they'll try to take revenge with all their funds on maximum leverage. Seeing how the chart turned against them, they become filled with fear, unable to accept any loss. Thus, their mind becomes "All or Nothing" and spends everything they have, ultimately becoming bankrupt. Humbled by this event, they try to learn and study more. Feeling smart and great after learning, they once again return to Rationality and make good trades.

This cycle happened to me ten thousand times in a row that not even a single grain of self-worth remained in my soul. Everything is truly gone. It's just like what the popular Buddhist mantra said: Gone, Gone, Gone beyond, Gone completely beyond! Indeed, all my money and self-worth has completely gone beyond to the afterlife, never to be seen again.

Then everytime this happens, I binged read an entire webtoon with at least 90 chapters. Thus, I managed to binged read dozens of webtoons in just a single week! What a world record. I consumed too much of them that they don't taste good anymore.

Now, I'm here again, back to where everything began. I have lost everything, for the ten thousandth time. Oh well. That was a fun game while it lasted. Now that there's nothing left, I'll simply return to writing and meditating all day long. Perhaps this is simply my fate. Maybe I'm definitely destined to write and meditate all day long. What can I do? Everything has already disappeared.

Rather than trying to fix and recover my supposed self and self-esteem, it might be easier for me to simply forget and relinquish all notions of "me", "myself", "I", abandoning all sense of ownership, possessions, and identity for the sake of the greater good.

The tone of this article sounds a little depressive, when in reality, it's impossible for the author to be depressed knowing that there are ten thousand more depressed people in the world and nothing good will happen by joining them for fun.

When I see those online begging websites, the first thought I got is to help everyone there. Their suffering is much greater than mine. All of my problems disappear whenever I look at the problems of other people. Indeed, I cannot afford to suffer, I must be the one who helps others, not the one who is helped.

There's nothing more to add in this article. I'll be taking a good nap.

 

Update

Several hours upon writing of this article, I suddenly got an influx of wealth as if to drag me again into the temptations of the mundane whirl. I simply cannot believe that the $2 left in my trading account turned into $25 overnight, when I was completely ready to abandon this sort of lifestyle.

It was total madness. Because of the ridiculous amounts of profits I earned today, my mind was completely intoxicated with so much thoughts and emotions. I have never earned such a ridiculous amount of money before. It was crazy.

Still, this does not change the fact that I'll keep living a simple and austere lifestyle without any attachments to wealth, happiness, or possessions. Money can come and go as much as it wants, life will still remain the same. Regardless of whatever we have, none of those matters in meditation, where one can clearly see the sheer emptiness of existence.

The universe is like a mirror, it shows the mind what it wants to see. When the mind stops wanting, the mirror becomes pure and clear, one can see the inconceivable reality.

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"When hungry, eat. When tired, sleep. When empty, meditate. A simple life is a beautiful one."