These past three, no, four days have been quite hellish. My routine is completely ruined by none other then myself.
Ever since my umbrella broke last Monday, nothing good ever happened. It's as if I got possessed by some monster desperate to find some job, money, and excitement. Ah how foolish of me, searching for something valuable outside of my own self.
To be fair, no one can't be blamed for their own life, as their environment is a major contributor to the decisions they make. Criminals won't do criminal acts if they don't have any reason to do so. Drug addicts won't choose drugs if no one gave it to them in the first place. It just so happens, that it happened.
The same goes for me. I can't blame myself for what I've been doing as I'm also heavily influenced by the environment. To take responsibility for our own life doesn't have to be synonymous for blaming and beating ourselves for our mistakes. Still, I'd like to be better, I want to be free.
Everything is subjective, relative, and impermanent. Nothing is better or worse than the other. No one is more or less free than the other. Despite fully knowing that, something within me longs for freedom. It wants to go crazy, unleash chaos, and bring endless waves of changes to this repetitive world.
Whenever I try to silence that voice, whenever I don't give it any space to express itself, it seems to unconsciously manifest itself in my behavior as pleasure-seeking indulgent behaviors, prompting me to binge read webtoons about crazy characters instead — and that's what happened these past several days.
I've always known that it's a bad thing to be crazy or weird in this monotone world, but lately I've confirmed the truth of Jung's psychological concepts about "shadows" — that every person is hiding a monster within them.
What's interesting is that this coincides with my theory that people's personality are often the opposites of what they seem to appear. Like when someone likes to appear nice, friendly, and organized, they're probably a little rough, messy, and chaotic deep inside. When someone likes to appear angry and violent, they're probably a very nice and caring person deep inside.
Either way, the world isn't two-dimensional, so when talking about "opposites", there's not only one opposites, there can be countless amount of opposites, as many as the number of sides of a circle. Yes, circle can have either zero or infinitely many sides as long as it appears as a circle.
Hm I think a person can have more than one shadow and that there may be countless different types of shadows. It doesn't have to be necessarily edgy or dark, maybe it's just something that's very suppressed and repressed that they are unconsciously manifested as negative behaviors when they could have been more productive behaviors if consciously brought to light.
Now that I think about it, I probably have at least three suppressed identities and personas within me, always waiting for the moment I reach my limits and break apart, where they can finally possess me. They're not exactly different "identities" but simply a set of suppressed or repressed tendencies grouped in a single block. Let's start from the lightest to the darkest.
My first suppressed identity closest to the surface is my tendency to teach, improve, and optimize everything and everyone. It's very close to my current personality but it's barely touching the surface, just like an iceberg where only the tip is seen at the top. I may try to teach and improve random internet strangers and myself but it's completely suppressed in my real social life.
People love their hierarchies and power, they don't like it when someone tells them what to do or whenever someone who's below them tries to teach them. Thus, I'd rather suppress this identity, only expressing it to random people in the internet.
While it's true that people can listen to others who speaks with a gentle and neutral voice, without pressuring others to do anything, I still don't want to teach or help anyone in real life for ten thousand reasons and excuses that I'd rather not reveal in this article. Let's just say that I'm not comfortable enough to do so.
My second suppressed identity, which I found as a result of taking an online psychological test, is my tendency to be extremely careful and wary of everything. Thus, I tend to only seek comfort and safety, avoiding all things and events that seem a little bit dangerous and uncomfortable.
Is it a suppressed identity if it can be seen on the outside? Yes, "suppressed" means it's here but we don't want to acknowledge it or show it openly to others. However, just because something is suppressed or repressed doesn't mean it's bad or evil. Most of the time, they appear to be bad because they are suppressed in the first place.
The third suppressed identity, which also seems to be the darkest one, is my explosive tendency to be crazy and chaotic, along with the instincts to openly experiment and question everything. It's also the most powerful one due to how long it's been suppressed.
Thus, such tendencies reappear in my life about every two or three weeks, where my self-discipline and routines would suddenly break apart in the search for chaos just like what's been happening to me these past days.
It makes me feel like using all loan apps to borrow money and use it as a capital to do some crypto trading. It makes me feel like approaching random people and doing all social experiments to them. It makes me feel like organizing a revolution to overthrow the status quo. Trying to suppress such tendencies often takes all my energy and motivation, preventing me from taking a nap.
Now these are all the suppressed identities I've been trying to contain my entire life. What about repressed identities, those that we don't even try to touch or see, something that we'd just rather forget and pretend that it doesn't exist? They're even more difficult to talk about, as it's completely concealed in the darkness.
Perhaps I'll try to guess. Maybe I have the repressed tendency to be infinitely cringe, to randomly disappear, and some others that I'm still not aware of. Hm am I really not aware of them or I'm just pretending to be not aware of them? Such is the nature of repression.
They say that a complete authentic person is one who has reconciled all parts of themselves, including the imperfect ones, into an integrated whole. This means that someday, at some point, a person will have to face and confront their own demons if they want to live completely without any regrets.
Therefore, if I'd like to grow and mature into a complete human being, I must eventually bring my suppressed and repressed tendencies to light, so that they may be able to transform into more productive and healthy habits rather than remain as unconscious destructive ones that often leads to self-sabotage.
It's a lifelong process that takes almost a lifetime to accomplish, so there's no need to rush. We won't be doing this alone either, the universe naturally helps us grow by exposing us to endless repetitions and changes in life. Still, it would be easier for us to actively cooperate with the universe — without resisting the changes or forcing our idealistic views on reality.
After all, the most stable type of growth is the slowest one, without forcing or rushing. I haven't even lived half of my lifetime yet, there's no way I can know what the future holds. Perhaps remaining still in the face of solitude and chaos at age of 21 is already a big enough development. Maybe being able to sprout a mango seed today is already a great enough achievement.
I may not have any social life outside of the screen nor have enough money to invest on stuff, but I do have patience and the will to survive at all cost. Even though I only have those two, they are more than enough for me to be successful and satisfied in this life.
When all is said and done, those who are still alive must keep on living. Those who are still awake must keep on working. As I don't like participating in a race where the only the first people win and neither do I like participating in the treasure hunt where only the luckiest or smartest people win, the only thing left for me is to work on myself.
When everyone's racing to get to the obvious first, when everyone's trying to find the secret — I'll be here, unmoving, neither chasing the obvious nor searching for the secret, but opening the treasure within myself, one that is so close and obvious that no one would dare suspect.
From now on, money will stop being my priority. Searching for secret arts and hacks will stop being my hobby. In the end, I have nothing, I have no one but myself. I shall work on myself tirelessly and endlessly, without keeping any secret goal or depending on external circumstances. This is the path I choose.
"Just as how all events are impermanent, all mental states are temporary — like a mirage, illusions, magic tricks, or the reflection of the moon on the water."
"Having analyzed the game, one can see that it's impossible to win by following the directions."
"Although there is no one to blame, anyone can take action."