Meditation feels so lame that I'd rather debate with myself until I'm out of words, then meditate to regain more words.
Am I a god?
Are you? Not yet
Why are my powers not working?
Lack of emotions and faith.
I don't want to be a human anymore.
So?
Make me a god. Give me powers. I'll pay the price.
Prove it.
What?
Prove your determination.
How?
Walk endlessly to nowhere. Dedicate all your time to the study and practice of the occult. End it. Any one of those.
...
So you can't. Remain as a human then.
But.. but... I know it. I know what I am. I don't need to do any of those when I'm born as I am.
Even if you know the truth, can you believe it? Can you stake your life on it? Do you trust it enough to surrender everything you have worked so hard on?
Ummm... gimme a year or two. Then.. then... I'll surrender everything
Then wait for a year or two.
But can't I at least use my powers partially?
Lack of emotions and faith. Lack of Authority.
Damn.. so it's my fault. I know. It's that feeling of something glowing brilliantly in my mind. Something uncertain that suddenly makes me so excited, as if its certainty have become anything but absolute. Something that turns my mind into a zealous daze. A fervent prayer, a desperate wish. I have to resort to these barbaric methods simply because I refused to assume Authority. But these barbaric methods aren't something I can use whenever I want. They're too cringe. They require trusting and depending on something on the outside. Even if that outside is also me, I.. I refuse to accept. And that's why, that's why I'm here.
Maybe I'm brainwashed? I'm missing memories? My memory is manipulated?
If you are what you say you are, then just recover them.
...I don't want to.
You are afraid to succeed. You are afraid to lose yourself. You are afraid to stop being human. You want your life to be more convenient. Yet you're afraid of facing the consequences for doing so. You want to cheat but you also want your score to be counted. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
You can't pay the price, and that's why you are here.
Here is the question.
Is it worth it to gush over someone, to feel fuzzy and hug your pillow while imagining them?
The first side says: Yes, it is definitely worth it. It's harmless and makes you feel better. What's wrong with that?
The second side says: No, it's merely an illusion, a distraction from the reality of here and now. To allow oneself to get all fuzzy over someone far away, is a slippery slope that makes one so easily distracted and controlled by other emotions.
But what's wrong with emotions? Aren't they normal? Isn't it just something that makes us human? It seems to me you're just buddhaposting for the sake of it, abandoning humanity for the sake of illusory greatness.
This is not a question of ego or humanity. This is a matter of practicality. It is impractical to gush over someone because one would be too caught up by the fantasies of the mind to think about more important things.
But gushing over someone isn't just a waste of time or another simple fantasizing. It makes people feel better and they feel more warm for doing it! It's a way of self-regulation, so how can you say that it's impractical?
You do realize that every comfort, happiness, and warmth you borrowed from someone will eventually be taken away with interest when they're gone? I can understand if they're a real life person in close proximity, but far away ones? You are fooling yourself. There is nothing to be gained that you don't already have.
So now you're making the "better not to love than be hurt"? How cringe and cynical. Can't you do better than that? Why are far away ones terrible anyway? Does it make the love any less real? It's just a normal part of life, there's no need to even debate this. Besides, it's not exactly "borrowed". If you have an attitude of gratitude instead of possessiveness, plus some healthy emotional regulation skills, the backlash would be smaller than the gains.
You know what? You're probably right. But hear me out. Such petty distractions, no matter how noble and wholesome they appear to be, remain as distractions. One who is healthy has no need of such distractions. Only sick and unhealthy people who don't know how to regulate themselves will keep clinging to emotions instead of clarity. It's like a little kid given an ipad so they'll stop being annoying. It may resolve the issue now and create the illusion of stability, but dependence on something as volatile as emotions is always a recipe for a disaster.
So you're saying it's not exactly bad, but it's unnecessary for a healthy life? I understand what you're saying but at the end of the way, we're still humans, are we not? We're still creatures of emotions, are we not?
True, and that's exactly why we should struggle. That's exactly why we should do better. We are not just mere humans, we are HUMANS. And to be human is to struggle and strive towards life and greatness. How can we reach the pinnacle of greatness if we always find ourselves content with the mud of mediocrity?
There is nothing wrong with living in mediocrity.
Disappointing. EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH IT.
But it's not like you're going to do anything about it until it's your turn?
True but that doesn't mean you should gush over cute girls at every opportunity you get.
But I need the medicine.
Throw it away and die with dignity.
I don't want to die.
But do you want to live?
Yes.
Then live, not comfortably, but live under the weight of the crown and duty of the sword.
It will be hard.
But when has life ever been easy?
I dislike cold water.
But it keeps you awake and ready. I don't mind if you go to a hot spring from time to time, as long as you bath yourself in cold water every morning.
Why should I even listen to you? It's not your turn.
Then do not listen to me. But always remember what you're throwing away just for a life of mediocrity.
I'm too broke to pay the price of greatness. You're the one who can afford that.
Then pay with your organs and blood, as usual.
This is just cruel.
No, it's normal. If we're going to fulfill our dreams, we need to be more cruel than this world. After all, what is cruelty but the shadow of kindness? It takes cruelty to be kind, and kindness born of ignorance is more cruel than a knife in the chest.
Can I really afford this, even if I pay with all my blood?
Does it matter?
Sigh. I suppose not.