To whoever hacked my network that I cannot access my messaging apps without getting an insecure network connection, duck you. I doubt someone's actually hacking me, I'm not that important. It's probably just a server error or some hacker is hacking large group of devices at the same time.
Ughh.. my head's still spinning. This is one hell of a messed up day. Slept late, woke up late. Planned to make two gallons worth of ice packs in afternoon. Suddenly asked to make three gallons of ice packs this morning. Apparently, they spawned a third gallon from somewhere. I took an afternoon nap, got forcefully woken up in the middle of the nap to buy a random vitamin c medicine for someone. And now I cannot access my messaging apps.
So annoying. Should I just?!
Right, I have my emergency candy for exactly this kind of situations. Emergency candy number 1, a chocolate bear that doesn't melt in room temperature. There, I feel better now. So long as I have luxuries, such as the luxury of eating a candy and the luxury of reading stories, I cannot do anything drastic yet. I can always trade these luxuries for effort, then trade effort for resources.
Usually, I would capitalize on my deep understanding of human mind and language to create an illusion of connection and warmth when communicating with homo sapiens. However, I have no interest in such childish experiments anymore. Vulnerability, aggressiveness, and friendliness; once I considered them highly important in every interaction of those species, but now I'd rather focus on more interesting areas to study. If the present me cannot handle the present situation, then so be it. Then there's no need to drag the future me for assistance everytime there's a problem.
It's simply too unfortunate. If I were given a choice between any choice X or dignity, I would always choose dignity. I suppose it's one of the things that makes me boring and predictable. I'm a slave to dignity, yet it is something I can be proud of.
Don't forget that there are flowing waters and living fishes beneath frozen rivers. No degree of coldness can freeze the deeper parts of the river.
As I stumble and fall upon this life, half-asleep, only the aching in my body tells me where to go, only the warm blood beneath my feet reminds me when I ended up in the same spot as before. To wake up is to give up on dreaming, to wake up is to potentially forget my dreams, and who am I without my dreams? I dare not know. Will I ever know?
It seems my pain sense has grown a lot. It has become exceedingly sensitive and precise, that even when my head's spinning, my mind is cooked, or my situation is precarious, I can trust it to be practical and decisive in all things except social interaction. I find it quite interesting that I don't see or understand the world through people, but through my own pain. It's still a limited perspective, but it passes most benchmark tests.
I thought about I needed the most. And it's not power, resources, or manpower. It's understanding. It seems that my existence is destined to follow the Dao of Understanding, believing that having a complete understanding of reality is the solution to every problem in the world, or at least would lead very close to the solution.
I have consumed enough stories to see the 4th wall most of the time. I can somewhat understand my life as a story, how an audience would react to it, how screenwriters would play it, and the possible plot twists that may happen. That's why I'm calm at all times. But being calm is not enough, I also want to know the best course of action in any situation. This means I need to understand enough of reality to see the 5th wall. The problem is, I don't really know what it is. I only know that it's there. I can feel that it's there. If the 4th wall is something that watches the story, then the 5th wall is something that watches those who watch the story. If only I could understand the 5th wall, then I'll be able to influence the motivations of the screenwriters and audience of my life, I'll be able to influence the script without holding the pen or talking to anyone.
For now.. I just need to sleep and wake up early. Because waking up late is painful. I just need to stop being poor. Because being poor is painful.
May the stars fall where they will.