If there's anything that's more important than love, money, and happiness — it would be awareness.
Last night, I decided to go on a personal pilgrimage today without going anywhere. It's a journey towards personal discovery not towards a specific physical place. This means I have not used social media, read webtoons, or watched anime ever since morning. Thus, I'm trying to live more deliberately and making conscious decisions than being swept by the tides of habit and emotions.
Why did I decide to do this? It's because I realized that I do not really know anything about myself after a specific event. Neither do I have the conviction to declare what I really want in front of others. It seems that I'm no more than an empty shell, another sheep who can't do anything else but to follow others.
If there's anything I know about myself, it would be that I absolutely hate being told what to do. Regardless how much I tried to be polite, kind, and accepting, I cannot hide the pure hatred and rage that comes with the disgusting feeling of being forcefully controlled by anyone under the pretext of happiness, success, or love. I am. I am not you nor anyone else. Neither morality, tradition, and peer pressure can bind me to anything because I am a free being.
Still, I'm fully aware that this neurotic obsession for freedom makes it difficult for me to establish long-lasting relationships with anyone. It is a form of madness that came from being deprived of freedom, taken advantaged of, and being treated as a livestock for most of my time being alive. Because I am a slave to freedom, I am not truly free. One of the purpose of this pilgrimage is to find out how I can truly be free.
This first day of pilgrimage is hard. At mornings and afternoons, I noticed that the night-demon Lilith kept oppressing me with fear and tempting me to seek the relief of instant gratification. But I cannot do that. Everytime she tempts me, I only say "I know that sounds fun, yet I also know of its miserable end. I do not wish to lose myself in fear and desire any longer. Begone." Thus, she lost power over me and I regained much of my awareness.
That is a purely symbolic representation of my experience though, readers of this article shall not take it in a literal form. And thus, I was able to pass the first trial of my pilgrimage. I went on with my morning and afternoon reading ebooks and sharpening my awareness. Everytime I want to focus with something, I simply cast the spell in my mind "No one will know me. No one will remember me. No one will disrupt me." It's pretty effective, I believe.
At some point, I started feeling empty and missing my online friends. There always so many things I want to share but now I have to keep them to myself. The second trial began, the trial of emptiness. The voices within the abyss keeps whispering to me "There is nothing here, nothing to see here. Return to where you came from for this place is empty".
To which I replied "It is true there is nothing here. And that's exactly why I'm here. I seek to take refuge in silence and emptiness, that I may be able to stabilize my own energies and see the light within." Then the voices disappeared and I was able to clear the second trial of my pilgrimage.
I learned a lot of new things today from reading ebooks for so many hours. I usually only read few pages but today I managed to finish the book I've been reading for almost a month and began to read a different ebook. One of the most mind-blowing things I learned is that all forms of perception are symbolic in nature, they may appear to be concrete or abstract. We assign meanings to this symbols and live in a meaningful world.
Thus, the symbols and meanings assigned in the systems of magic are not less real than the alphabet or mathematical equations and their effects on reality are just as real and significant.
This is an indefinite pilgrimage, I don't know when or how it will end but I'm sure that I will know when it's time for me to end it. It may be a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months.
Regardless, I will take this time to break all established destructive patterns of consciousness that permeates my everyday life. It will be difficult and uncomfortable but it will be so much more difficult and uncomfortable for me if I keep living with those destructive patterns. It's time for them to go.
Meanwhile, I will remain here, embracing the reality around me. Sometimes reading ebooks or meditating about life. I'll be going outside from time to time to connect with nature and see the world around me. For now, I will stop worrying about the future or searching for anything. I already have everything I need.
"One will never know how precious awareness is after they regain it. It feels like your nose is finally unclogged after so much time being blocked."
"The year is about to end. It's time to create an ending to this story."
"It's easier to start over in emptiness than to begin in fullness."