For life is a vice—the greatest one of all—EM Cioran
"I want you to teach me."
This is Anna in bed that night.
"What exactly do you want to learn?"
"To do what you do."
"You just put a cigarette out on a woman's nipples—what exactly do you think I can teach you?"
"You know like stealth stuff, mind control, how to do all the crazy stuff you do."
"Some things, Anna, no one can teach you—they're things you teach yourself."
I feel her turn away from me under the sheets.
"So that's a no."
"No," I say. "It's a yes. I understand your desire. I have the same desire."
"What is our desire?"
"To be the monster in the dark so scary that no monster in the dark can scare us."
"I don't think I could have stated it that eloquently," she says, "but yes, I think—something like that."
"I can teach you what I know—and I will—but know one thing: I can't change your nature. You brought that with you and it was formed long before either of us knew you in the sense that we might know you now."
"Why are you saying this?"
"Because I don't want you to blame me—"
"You don't want me to blame you..for changing my nature?"
We both turn so we're facing each other in bed.
I nod.
Anna says, "I want to tell you something I learned about myself when I was in that chair. I learned I could kill you. I learned I wanted to. I learned I wouldn't feel guilt about it if I did. That last part is something I didn't know about myself before you clamped me in."
"So why haven't you killed me?"
Anna punches me in the shoulder.
"Because," she says, "you're my buddy."
And we left it at that.
She sucked my cock that night, her brown hair tickling me everywhere while cum pumped into her mouth.
She was kneeling over me holding my dick in her hand.
Her head was tilted to the side.
"I don't even know what your name is. Matthew Temple? Matthew Simple?"
"My name is Matthew."
"Your last name isn't Simple or Temple, is it?"
"Let's not go by last names."
Anna puts her head on my stomach.
"I just want to know you."
"Some people it's best to get to know gradually."
"I like you."
"Anna, look at me. You are in some kind of a trance which I'm gonna have to snap you out of. Remember who I am. Remember who you're talking to."
"I'm not in a trance."
"Oh yeah? Who stuck a burning lightbulb up your vagina? Who drugged you and abducted you from a country diner?"
"I don't care. You didn't abduct me. I came willingly."
"That's still abduction."
"How is that abduction?"
"Because I lied to you about the pretext under which you were coming here. Remember? I offered you a job."
"I knew you were lying about the job."
"But did you know the full truth about what was about to happen to you?"
"Obviously not."
"Then it's abduction."
"I feel like we should be on opposite sides of this argument," she says.
"We should be," I say.
"Did you ever have a girl develop a crush on you before?"
"Sure. Lots of times."
"What did you do?"
"Shot them in the heads."
"I'm willing to take that risk."
"Anyway this isn't just a crush," I say. "Is it?"
"Not for me," she says.
"Not for me, either," I say.
And we pull each other close.
We hold each other's heads.
"You don't mind teaching me?"
"I'd love to teach you..buddy."
She rolls over—her back to me.
"You know," she says, "sometimes buddies fuck."
"I'm not exactly ready for that," I say. "But, believe me, when I'm ready, you'll know."
"Mmm," she says. "I like the sound of that."
I think about her lounging around in my sweatpants—how comfortable she's gotten here.
"Life in this house seems to suit you," I say.
She says: "I wanted to escape. I have."
"Escape the chair?"
"No. Escape. Home."
"Oh."
"The confusion induction you said tonight..did you make that up on the spot?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"You build it up from simple atoms. Just think of opposite pairs of concepts and build those into adjacent phrases or sentences."
"I don't know how I would do that."
"Did you ever see Fight Club?"
"Yes."
"Ok, whenever you want to create a confusion induction on the fly, you can prime your brain with this line from Fight Club. Remember the guided meditation?"
"Where he finds his power animal?"
"Yes."
Anna laughs.
"And it's a penguin?"
"Yes. The leader says: 'Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light.' "
I touch Anna's body as I speak.
" 'It moves over your body, healing you. Keep this going and step forward..through the back door of the room. Where does it lead?' "
Anna says, " 'To your cave.' "
And I say, " 'Step forward into your cave.' "
I take my hands off Anna's body.
She puts them back on.
"Keep touching me."
"Ok. Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light..pain is healing somehow. You just connect two opposite or contradictory concepts."
"In a sensible way."
"Right. Step forward through the back door of the room. There's no way to step forward through the back door of a room. But you can say that there is. That one statement can be the basis for all your confusion inductions. Think of analogous concepts and statements and you can construct confusion induction essays on the fly."
"Do one on me. Right now."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to do something else to you."
I open her legs and run my fingers through the inside of her panties, then pull them off. I put my mouth on her clit, her urethra, her vagina, all at the same time, and wash them with my tongue.
She tries to pull my head away.
"You don't have to do that."
"After what you just did to me, I really can't see myself not doing it."
"I want to learn about confusion inductions."
"I want to learn about making you cum—for real—not when you're strapped to a chair."
She fights me with her legs a little bit, but soon relaxes and lets me explore everything about her with my tongue and fingers. It takes 20 minutes, but I make her cum—feel the hot rush in my mouth and her legs tensing. Her hands grip my head.
"Did you think, while I was doing that, that you were being eaten out by a serial torture murderer?"
"Every second," she says, totally sincere.
I gnaw on her labia, licking the rim of her vagina, gently fingering her.
"Do I smell ok?" she asks.
"You smell like peonies."
"I don't even know what peonies smell like."
I put my hand on her hip.
"I'll get you some so you can smell them."
"Can I have my panties back now?"
"No you may not. New rule of the bed. You're not allowed to wear any panties so I can do that to you any time I want."
"Then no sweats for you so I can suck your cock anytime I want."
"Alright. No clothes from the waist down. New rule of the bed."
"I like having rules for the bed," Anna says.
I lick her clit up and down really quick.
"Oh, god—are you gonna do that again?"
"Do you want me to," I say.
Anna just says, "Mmm."
I was used to sleeping with students, but—you know—the smart ones are more fun. And Anna was smart enough. Smart enough to play with. Smart enough to talk with. That's the thing that's really lacking in this world—decent conversation.
Anna and I made each other cum every night. Just thinking of her sleeping next to me with no panties made me hard. She didn't mind that I fucked Kimmie in the daytime—Anna fucked her, too. Anna was a real person with real emotions and real dreams and real thoughts and a real future. Kimmie was just our toy. Anna and I sat at the grown-ups' table—Kimmie we made sit at the kiddies' table.
I loved Anna's body—made her feel special—didn't hold back. I'm not a bad lover. In fact, I'm really not a bad guy in general unless you consider what I do inside the crate.
But the crate is playtime—it's my sandbox. Some kids have a chemistry set. I have a shipping container where I play with dead girls. Unfortunately most girls can't keep their mouths shut so you have to kill them after you play with them. Unless you've ever held someone in your arms and looked into their eyes and had complete control over them and seen them beg you and trust you and fear you all at once, though, you probably don't know shit about my sandbox. I'm trying to explain it in this book as best I can, so you can understand the pleasure of control, the inherent sexuality of being a master over a slave—and I'm not talking in some dumb-ass BDSM role-playing sense. I'm talking about master and slave as in I own your life. As in I'm going to use you and throw you away. I'm talking you eat when I feed you and you cum when I make you and you burn when I want you to burn.
Basically, this is useless. You'll never understand what I'm saying until you've shaved the insulation off an extension cord and touched it to a girl's vag. The look on her face is priceless.
One night, after I did Anna's pussy with two fingers and a tongue and she sucked me off like water hose, I felt the cold metal of a silencer brush along my spine.
"Do we have to sleep with the Glock between us?" Anna said.
And I said, "If you want to move it, move it."