chapter*Liss
We stopped at the giant slide to get cigarettes I had to buy them. Dad was distracted It was orange, and it was red, and it was purple, and it was blue Plastic whipping in the wind My stomach felt empty Hollow, cold
Then it came to the highway There were hardly any cars compared to usual And we go to drive Fast
It felt like a different town My dad got Cheetos. Flamin’ Hot Lim’on. We shared.
I opened my window Dad put the top down
Apartments passed us Whole Foods That exit that goes to Santa Monica Our exit is further up
We live where the bright houses and the buildings Where the hill With TV Guide and CNN And Cinerama And the neon Our sign says: “Some Perfection is Debatable.” Then it blinks. “Some is Not.” Patr’on. That’s our building.
I’m shifting in my seat. We’re almost home.
Just a peek in the apartment Quick grab! Run in my bedroom Grab my bag.. ..and I’m emphout
It’s 9:41. I’ll get my shower later. This afternoon.
“Liss. Lunch later?” I tell him yes. I’m getting the Gorgonzola.
We park. I’m running up the stairs. “Liss—” “I’m late!” We all have things to do. The elevator door closing in slow motion. I’ll be emphout this house before he’s even there. I’m up! and up! and up! and there. Scatter across the carpet. Open the door.
———————
Edy. “Hey baby.” Toys are everywhere. “Whatcha been doing without me?” I kiss her then put her down. Hannah’s back to me. She’s sitting with her paper and her coffee. “Have you considered..” she starts. I’m in my bedroom. Close the door. Under-bed cabinets and I’m getting my leotard. Black. Capezio tights. In the bag. 9:46. I took too long hugging Edy. She needs a hug, though. Edy is a non-factor. I can smell the coffee. I think that coffee’s getting closer. That black hair. That newspaper! Shuffling down the hall.. My door opens. I feel the air. Snag my dance bag and— Shoes! Turn and she’s there.
———————
Mug in that one hand—those stupid clear mugs. How do you drink coffee out of that? “Have you ever emphconsidered—” “Mom, I have to go.” “I was just emphwondering—” I bring out my phone. It’s 9:4—emphSmack!
Oh. My phone is in my hand. My face. A hand goes up. It’s burning. It’s 9:4emph8. She didn’t hit the phone. She hit my face.
I’m staring up at her.
“When you are emphdoing things..” She looks over her shoulder. “..do you ever emphconsider..” I hear my dad come in the door. Edy squeals. He’s picking her up. Hannah’s not looking at me. She’s muttering. She’s looking down the hall. She needs to speak more clearly. If she wants people to understand.
Is she going to talk to him? He walks by. He’s holding Edy. He sees my face. He looks at Hannah. Hannah just says: “What do you expect?” Dad comes into my room. He puts Edy on the bed. He goes out. Their bedroom door opens. Hannah takes her coffee. She follows. I wipe my face. Edy doesn’t care. She’s blissfully ignorant. I kneel by the bed and pinch the other side of my face. Get both cheeks the same color. I don’t think I can slap myself that hard. How’s this Edy? Check the phone. One side is even, the other side is hardly red at all. If I had an older sister she could slap me. She could slap the other side. I pat my face. Progressively harder. Until I’m slapping my face! Slap! Slap! Slap slap slap! Check the phone. That’s actually better. That’s pretty close. Dad slams the door. We have thick walls here. It’s not cheap. I can’t hear the words. But it’s my dad telling Hannah she better not ever fuckin’ slap his daughter again or he’ll kick her out of the house. He’s kicked her out before. He throws something. Sounds like the docking station. It’s got about the right weight to be the docking station. Hannah cries. She’s faking. Guess who falls for it. It isn’t me. Oh Edy. Oh Edy baby. I have to go. See my phone? I have eleven minutes baby. Something else hits the wall. That sounded like a lamp. That’s okay. They’ve got two of those. We’re very close to the Bed Bath & Beyond. I’ll give you three minutes, Edy. I can spare three. Come’ere fatso. Snug Factory. Fartnugget. Stupid baby names. It’s time I called you properly. Oh my god is this what I started out as? I’m not even sure there’s anything in there. Just stink, and stupid. But I love you Edy baby. Come’ere. From now on I’ll call you by your name. And now that bitch is lying. She’s saying she was up all night. She wasn’t up all night. Not with worry. They come out the door. “Do you want to emphspy on me?” “Hannah, I’m just saying—” “emphI wasn’t doing anything.” Dad is at my door. “Liss. Pilates.” “I know.” Dad takes Edy. “Hannah. Hannah. Come here.” I check my face. It’s cooling down. “I’ll get you after, for lunch—” “I’ll meet you there.” “You want your usual?” I nod. I’ve got my bag. Phone. Check. Get out the door! Miss Leslie doesn’t like lateness. I’m out the door! Leave the condo open—let them get it!—ripping down the stairs! Step step step step step step step step. You have to see beyond the clock! You have to bend time. Miss Leslie is late. She’s stuck on the 405. Will it so. Push open the glass. Heavy, heavy door. And Vine! My street! Running down Vine! There’s the hot dog place that’s never open! There’s that hole in the roof! A perfectly-cut hole, wide enough for a person, looking straight up.
———————
Liss, there isn’t time! Running! The hotel! Molly’s! (Is my old man working? No! He isn’t there!) No traffic! Don’t wait for the light! Skipping! I’m going to make it! The Bed Bath & Beyond. Their doors are open! It’s okay, it’s Saturday Today they start at nine Now here’s a homeless man! The scary kind! Just don’t ever become an alcoholic! Then you’ll be fine!
Echoes Tall buildings I like this place empty When it’s stripped of its purpose Not at night though Night is its purpose, this neighborhood And what about the lake? I like it in the morning When it’s trash And empty streets Cracks, concrete You don’t want to go to Hollywood in the afternoon It’s depressing I’m almost there Just two more blocks We pass my Dome We pass the Baja Fresh No time for coffee just now I’m headed to the Crossroads of the World! Looming What do they do in there No one here knows Tourists take pictures of it I think it’s a religion And now I’m here
———————
It’s above the Authorized Apple Reseller I’m up the stairs There’s people talking Dingy stairs I’m up this little hallway Handprints on the wall—in dirt I don’t have my payment I think we owe Miss Leslie won’t collect it She’ll forget I’ll tell her we can pay it next time Top of the stairs “It’s Dawn!” “emphHey gurl.” “Hey emphgirrl!” We bump shoulders. Micah’s also there. “Good morning, Micah.” He stares at the floor. “Is Miss Leslie here?” Micah turns the door handle. It’s locked. “She’ll come, Micah, don’t worry, she’ll come.” Micah has his leotard on. His sneaks are busted. He lives on Melrose. “Micah, do you mind if I change in front of you?” He shakes his head. Micah isn’t a pervert or anything, but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Micah’s sensitive. If he blushes he might be uncomfortable. Micah goes and stands by the window. I drop my bag. “Do you think she’s coming?” “She would have called.” Micah’s looking out the window, at Sunset street. I’m digging in my bag. “Look, Dawn, I have to tell you something.” “She’ll come, she’ll come, don’t worry.” “I’m not worried.” I put my hand on Dawn’s arm, balancing, putting on my tights. Dawn looks over my shoulder. She says: “He’s not looking.” “Dawn, I just want to tell you something.” I pull up my tights and I’m putting on my leotard. I flash my eyes at Dawn. She shakes her head: Micah’s not looking. I yawn. Dawn says: “Let me fix your hair.” “Okay, Micah, thanks, you can turn around.” But Micah stares. My little boy. You can see his butt in those tights, they’re a little too large, and he’s got his hands on the windowsill, looking out. Someday that boy is going to be master of something. Dawn pulls my hair. “What did you want to tell me?” She pulls again. She straps the rubber band. She taps my head. “All done.” I turn to Dawn. I put my hands on her shoulders. Dawn is one year younger than me. “Just—” I smooth her top. “Don’t be crazy.”
In some ways that’s all I have to tell you about that night I wish I hadn’t had to kill Candy I wish we hadn’t lost SHARK! Pila got him back, but he didn’t live for lvery long Some things are unavoidable I wonder what I’ll name my baby I won’t name him Cock Or Mega Cock Or anything else weird
“What time is it?” “It’s 10:0emph8.”
I close my eyes. “What do you mean,” Dawn brushes back a wisp of my hair. “Don’t be crazy.” “I just mean—”
And before the door opens. And before I hear Miss Leslie’s camping boots on lthe stairs, and before I peek over the banister to see if she brought her dog with her this time—packed him in that tiny bag—like you pack your lunch!—
Micah turns. “She’s here.”
newpage thispagestyleempty mbox
enddocumentl