That I caught myself doing.
Tags: Personal, Analysis, Reflection, Self-improvement, New Concepts, Unexpected Story
Whenever I'm about to execute a plan, all the muscles in my body tightens and contracts, my stomach suddenly becomes painful, my breathing becomes heavy, and the vision for my plan becomes blurred. It feels as if I'm trying to climb a vertical slope on mount Everest.
If I do something different and stop executing the plan, all the pain and sensations disappear within a minute.
I've realized that I judge other people way too much, and try to judge myself thrice as much to justify it. It's not that I'm extremely unlucky that I'm alone, it's that I refuse to deem imperfect people to be worthy on staying beside me, so I always ignore and throw them away.
I've always been a disappointed and stubborn idealist, forcing my ideals into myself, the world, and everyone else. I am continuously seeking for perfection and greatness, never compromising for those who are imperfect.
Deep down, I just cannot accept that no matter how hard I try, I would not be able to win anyone's lve. That no matter how hard I try, I would *not be able to win my parents' approval. I cannot, I refuse to accept... that I am extremely imperfect, the others are imperfect too, and that this entire world is imperfect.
And here I am... stubbornly insisting that my first job should be an easy office work one that involves thinking. Insisting that everyone I interact with must be level 2 enlightenment level with good conversation skills. Insisting that this world must have these and that, otherwise I'm not going to participate on it.
Is it wrong to be stubborn? Is it wrong to wish for a better, beautiful, and perfect world? Is it wrong to find a better job? Is it wrong to find better friends? I'm sorry.
If you have been unfortunately misunderstood and unheard for the first few times in your life. You'll believe that you'll always be misunderstood and unheard most of time, in which case you will not bother to explain yourself, reason with others, and push for the things you want.
The misunderstood only becomes more misunderstood. The isolated only becomes more isolated, as the distance grows farther and farther to everyone else.
It seems I have the tendency to unconsciously make myself misunderstood and confuse other people. I have unconsciously lost all hope to be understood by anyone. And it looks like I have accepted that fate. No one is going to trust me, so why should I?
Update: This has gotten very melodramatic and cringe. I'll stop reading here if I were you.
For how long will I continue to restrain myself with excessive standards and judgements? For how long will I keep lamenting on the imperfections of this world? For how long will I place the blame on others being imperfect, when it's me who's actually the most imperfect of all?
It makes me sad. Do you want me to give up everything I believed in until now? Do you want me to stop hiding in the clouds and step my foot on the dirty ground? I'm scared... I'm so scared of this imperfect world... They have done nothing but to hurt, humiliate, and take advantage of me..
(Oh gosh the onion cutting ninjas are incoming!)
Tell me!!! For what I reason must I assume that everything will be okay?! How will you guarantee that I will not be hurt the moment I step my imperfect body in this imperfect world?! How can you ensure that no one will take advantage and humiliated me again?! You can't! No one can't do that you stupid ducking idiot! Therefore, I have absolutely no reason nor incentive to dirty my feet on this unforgiving world.
(Ahhhh they're cutting onions too fast!)
Good grief tRanC. Did you continue to keep living just to avoid pain?! Are you ducking alive only because you want to avoid imperfections? Tell me! Are you only here in this world just so you can live in perfect bliss and peace!? Does your life mean nothing to you except to have fun and die? Did you choose to wake up in the morning only to expect that everything will be given to you!?
(It's raining a lot...)
Did you forget that the moment you were suddenly thrown in this colosseum, you're supposed to fight and die for what you want!? It's not going to rain gold and candies anytime soon kiddo! How about you ducking get your ass off the ground and fight!! Spill some blood and win whatever it takes! Stop ducking lazing around you good-for-no-
That's enough. I'm sure he already gets it. I'll deal with him from this point onwards.
Tsk, I hate spineless bastrds* the most.
Hey tRanC, looks like you're having a realization moment again and invited me to your mind. Anyway let's go somewhere private.
The view of the stars here are always beautiful, isn't it? They remind me of my dream this morning where flames are dancing and flowing on the sky, arising from the sun, then suddenly, a cosmic shockwave visible enough on the sky appeared from the sun and slowly expanded until it hits some of the stars.
For an instant, everything turned completely white, blinded by the light, and a sharp noise drowned all the sounds on the Earth. When it's over, the stars hit by the shockwave are gone. Everyone around us was panicking from what they just witnessed and they're talking about it. Then I woke up. I'm guessing the shockwave also reaches the Earth and burned everyone to crisp before they can comprehend what happened.
This dream gives me similar vibes to the dreams where a solar eclipse happened, the dream where the stars and meteors crashed into the earth and I caught a star on my hand, the dream where the land was filled with fog and colorful portals appeared everywhere while I'm warning everyone about it. These dreams about the heavens and the skies are so wonderful, one often wonders what they mean.
If only I'm not weak, I'll probably have a few of those stars on the sky on my hand already.
That was good acting, but can you please stop pretending at this moment tRanC? No one in their right mind would believe that you're weak, having survived exactly 7 352 days at the writing of this article without any real-life friend while maintaining your complete sanity and still having the energy to work out every morning like a madman.
Hahahaha isn't it funny? Someone who's extremely strong, knowledgeable, and crazy pretending, no — deluding themselves that they're weak, clueless, and innocent is so funny to see. It's like a giant pretending to be scared at mice HAHAHAHA.
No tRanC, it's not funny, but it's kinda satirical in a way. For what purpose are doing such thing? Why are you trying your best to be strong without using any of your strength? Perhaps you're trying to make a satirical comedy to portray society with your own life?
Meh, you're no fun. Isn't it interesting to see that while everyone was using every ounce of their strength to be happy and get what they want, I'm here having all the strength and knowledge in the world, not giving a single sheep about anything else. Opportunities? Dreams? Miracles? Hahaha I have no need of all that.
Look around, everyone's working so hard and taking their lives seriously. They take every opportunity to get stronger even to the point of taking something away from others. While I'm here just sitting down, writing and thinking, silently laughing at everything they're doing. Humans are really entertaining.
Gosh I wonder when they're going to take a step back and see for themselves what they're doing. I bet they'll facepalm so hard at what they see that their brains would fall out, not that they have one anyway. Unlike them, I don't need Dreams, Meaning, Purpose, Desires, and Happiness to exist and be healthy.
Who are you? You're not tRanC.
Haha I'm just the one who's keeping this little boy alive, you see. I'll need him for my future plans, so I'll lend him as much power he needs. Unfortunately, he's too frugal that he would use the power I gave him to remain healthy and productive lmao. It's like he's using a giant flamethrower to cook food rather than burn people alive! Crazy, right?!
Geez, bring him back at this moment. I'm talking to him, not you.
Alright, alright, just gimme a second. Ooh how about you convince him use the power I gave him, will ya? I'm getting kinda bored here y'know.
Umm hallo, I'm back. What just happened?
You fell asleep crying on the colosseum again, so I brought you here.
Ahh... sorry about that. I'll try not to do it again next time.
If you want, you can always escape that place by force you know, you don't have to stay there if you don't want to. Anyway that's not what we came here to talk about. What page are you on now?
Hum I don't really know any place besides this one, so I can't go. I'm currently at the chapter where I have to learn how to ignore reasons and follow my heart. And it seems there's no escaping it... since it's the final ultimate last lesson about social interaction.
Indeed. You have skipped that part as much as possible so it's long overdue. You've got to do something about it *this year or *learn it the harder way. You have three tasks to have to accomplish to get past this page.
Your deadline shall be the end of this month. You don't have to act nor do anything, just follow the psychological configurations instructed above. Will you be okay with that?
Ahh that's fine, I'm sure I can do that much! Don't worry about it! I'll make sure to set the correct configurations by the end of this month.
Alright, come here for a second...
Remember tRanC, you are always loved and wanted. These people, the world, this universe, they all need you. So please, take care of yourself. Whatever you choose, I'll remain by your side until the end. Good luck, tRanChor.
(Ugh the onion cutting ninjas are it again.)
"You are always loved and wanted — I found the most motivational sentence in the world!"
"The cringe level of this article is beyond my comprehension."
"Only those who dares to take a chance at life can hope to see even a glimpse of happiness."