I may not be able to write all character development stuff I have experienced, but I can still write the self-improvement stuff I want to have.
Tags: Personal, Psychological, Self-improvement, Short, Progress, Systems, Unformatted
I want to have twelvefold of the determination and persistence that Napoleon Hill had, one of the best self-improvement writers and thinkers that ever lived. That madlad literally ate rejection and failures for breakfast for his entire life ever since he was born.
I'll surpass him, even if it means experiencing twelvefold of suffering he ever experienced.
Although my stomach is now tough as steel and there's the fire of determination burning in my eyes, fear is still able to paralyze me on quick bursts, whenever it caught me by surprise.
As someone who is always prone to surprises, fear is like a prankster who gets me every single time it tries something on me. The most annoying thing is that, I keep falling to the same stupid prank so many times that I feel like I have turned into a clown.
I was several meters away from the teacher so I have to ask the question loudly if I want to be heard, even then, I might not get heard. I was scared, thinking "will my voice ever reach that far?". As an introvert, this is an extremely difficult question for me to answer.
I am now able to take 5 steps outside my comfort zone so casually, but to take a leap of faith? To do something that only main characters will do? Ugh... I'm still not prepared. Just because I'm now able to face some bugs and barking dogs, doesn't mean I can face a dragon and not get paralyzed.
That was so ducking humiliating. And here I thought I'm strong geez. Anyway that settles it, I'm definitely going to raid the library, ask all questions, and force conversations to my classmates beside me. I will not let that happen again.
The main problem here is that I assume that every person who tries to ask me a question are just doing it for the sake of information, and not for conversation. It's always too late when I realized that the person talking me might actually want get to know me more and judge me beyond my looks.
Next time, whenever they asked for my name, I'm going to assume that they want to have a conversation and I'll start asking questions and stuff too. I'll start dancing along using my hands, face, and words to facilitate a real, although cringe, conversations.
(Ugh I've never tried dancing my hands and face in real conversations, I prefer spamming emojis in online conversations.)
I finally figured out why some unknown people keep approaching me. It's an emotion of pure childish curiosity, trying to open a strange looking chest hoping for something interesting to appear, because if they do not open it, they know that they'll be kept awake wondering what's inside.
So they approach me, only to get disappointed from the way I don't maintain eye contact or speak more than a few words. It's an automatic social judgement system.
I have cracked the social code. I have figured the hidden mechanism. Thank me later.
Automatic Social Judgement System
1. Does this person look good?
2. Can this person communicate properly?
3. Is this person nice?
4. Does this person share my interests?
5. Does this person likes/accepts me?
6. Does this person wants to go out with me?
7. Is this person okay with being part of my life? How does this person want to do it?
My imaginary autistic robot friends be like:
*Loud applause
"This is an awesome discovery, w-we thank you for your knowledge. Th-this will help us to get one step further towards complete integration with mankind. I-it was a great idea to send you to their society."
I cannot transcend, I cannot ducking transcend, especially when it comes to making real life conversations. I already know so many things about it, but I can't ducking apply any of my knowledge without experience.
I've arrived to a painful realization that someone who doesn't have any social skills or experience like me, will never be able to start or maintain a conversation without failing, being awkward, and imperfect.
Ducking annoying. So ducking annoying really. I'm supposed to use my superior knowledge to transcend and shortcut the path of primitiveness and failure towards immediate success, but nature ducking said "No".
Ham eat. Ham eat! Unable to transcend, I cannot not be weird without experiencing being weird. I cannot not be awkward without being awkward many times. I cannot not be cringe without the experience of being cringe. There is simply no ducking way for me not to slip without slipping hundreds of times first!
What the ducking hell is wrong with this world? I am so ducking tired of being a self-learning AI imbued with life and consciousness. Failure hurts! Knowing that I'm stupid hurts! Struggling for too long without achieving anything is tiring!
Ugh, why must every good thing in this world comes with the price of pain and suffering? Why give me free will when I don't have a choice but to suffer and grow? That just makes it even more painful. Bloody hell.
Duck this life. Duck this game. I'll willingly fail starting today.
"Those who aspire to be the best must be willing to fail the most."
"A good conversation feels like a wonderfully synchronized impromptu dance between two or more people."
"Fear paralyzes everyone who doesn't dare to look at it in the eye."