A condition refers to a person's current mental state. This article captures a psychological condition within an instant of time.
I'm feeling tired and fatigued. I just ate a lot of birthday food which makes me feel very sleepy. I want to complete all homeworks but I don't feel so motivated. Part of me says it would be best to sleep. Part of me says "we haven't gone crazy yet, why should we sleep?".
Ah there's a lot of fishes in this lake but I can't seem to get one. Ideally, I'd like to catch one or one hundred fishes before sleeping, or so that's what the ego says out of insecurity. It's scared, terrified that life would become the same tasteless moldy bread for entire lifetime. It wants something new, something to explore, a source of novelty. It seeks a life outside of the mind, not knowing that everything is mind.
It sees the world as a prison. It sees oneself as a prisoner, one who is sentenced to decades of imprisonment for all the mistakes it committed. It believes that the sole purpose of life is to escape, to either wait for the imprisonment to end or escape by itself. It sees the people around as fellow prisoners who have given up on escaping, who will instantly report to the guards if one is caught escaping. It sees the authority figures as the guards and wardens of the prison, preventing anyone from going outside the walls.
Thus, much of life is spent doing prisoner work, completing prison chores and eating food. Then secretly trying to figure out a escape plan in its free time. Much of the suffering doesn't come from the abuse of guards and the endless chores, but to the existential anguish that results from being unable to find a satisfying to answer the question "what if I'll never be able to leave outside this prison? will I ever live to see what's outside of these walls?
Hmm... Humm... I wonder what else can I think about that can delay my sleep? I cannot sleep because I'm still holding on to waking life. Because life hasn't met my standards. Because I don't have this and that. I'm tired of complaining. Let's do something completely random and go to sleep.
It's difficult. My purposeful mind who always thinks in terms of best and worst, superior and inferior can't do anything random. My mind has been trained to obsessively look and hunt for the best and ignore the worse. What can I do? My perceptions are too imperfect, I can't help but judge others based on their appearances and what they say, based on what they think about themselves and what they want to be seen as. How can I be the impartial Buddha I want to be?
What am I even searching for? I am searching for myself. But I am seeking outside the self. Why? Because I can't see myself without a mirror. I'm looking for activities and people who can become my mirror. Maybe once I have seen a thousand different mirrors, I'll be able to have a good idea of what I really am. Or maybe I'm only trying to find the best mirror that would make make me appear perfect because I'm unable accept the image of my imperfect self in a plain mirror.
Behind every action, the real question in deepest depths of mind is "Who am I? What am I doing here?"
I still don't know. They say I'm a spiritual person. They say I'm a cool writer. They say I'm a very closed off introvert. They say I'm supposed to do their chores. They say I'm supposed to attend their classes. They say I'm supposed to do whatever they say.
Somehow, I really can't believe them. I cannot trust any of them. If I'm really born to do this and that, if I really am what you tell me to be, then won't I be happy, for I am doing what I was born to do? Won't I be satisfied, for being what I really am? Somehow, I feel used. I'm a very clueless person but for some reason, I know that this place only wants to use me. I'm no different from our chickens in the cage, being constantly fed until big enough to be sold.
I feel like I need to find a place where I won't be used and treated as a livestock. I feel like I need to find a place where I don't have to wear any masks just to talk to anyone. I feel like I need to find place where I can try hundreds of things and learn what is it I'm born to do. And this place, isn't far away. In fact, it's already here but I'm not there.
That's right, this is a matter of both mental state and physical state, a matter of neither mental state nor physical state. First of all, I will need a mind where I don't use and treat myself as livestock. Second, I will need a mind where I don't have to lie to myself just to accept myself. Third, I need a mind that is open enough to think about ten thousand different things without avoiding or complaining.
It's not that they took my humanity away from me. It's that I gave it to them. But well, I can always recall it back since it's attached to my soul. This world is difficult. The mind is ever-anxious. The conditions, situations, and environment isn't the best but it's enough. The first thing I need to learn is to reclaim my humanity and treat myself as a human being once again, someone who's innately valid, free, and beautiful — even if the world refuses to treat me as one.