Another Situationalysis.
Upon binged reading omniscient reader's viewpoint, while forgetting to eat lunch and do schoolwork, I realized that life is indeed a story, and the cessation of life means the ending of the first season of that story.
In my case, my story has became extremely bland, repetitive, and boring. Although my character may be the most complex and interesting of all, my story remains the lamest and most boring one out of all the stories.
As a character, is it my fault that my story is like this? That I don't do anything except to react to the changes in the plot and wait for the story end? Yes, I am indeed partially responsible for this.
But what about my story engineer? The one who fleshes out the little details in the story and ensures a great plot? Isn't that entity, also responsible for this? Even if they are, blaming them won't do anything. After all, they may have prepared the greatest story for me yet I'm the one who refuses to participate.
As a result, my story's quality is deteriorating day by day, eventually coming to an abrupt end, an indefinite hiatus.
No matter how awful I may feel, I never miss eating food on the right time or completing my obligations and schoolwork. However, just today the impossible has happened — I missed lunch for an hour and ignored all my schoolwork.
How alarming, it just goes to show how premature my story can end if this continues. Sure, I want to live, I want to have a good story, but why? I forgot why. I do not know why.
With no desire to belong or conform, I have practically isolated myself from all other characters I'm supposed to meet in this story. With no desire to take risks or explore the unknown, I have essentially trapped myself in a tiny island where the only people are me, myself, and I.
A deep voice in a serious tone echoed throughout my head: "I am going to die". But that is not new. I have always known that I'll die someday, but to die so pathetically like this. It truly is tragic.
My character has been frozen, not in fear, but in nothingness. Am I sad? Am I happy? Am I angry? I do not know. All my emotions and thoughts I have been trying to organize for these past years has fallen apart, like a library room where all the bookshelves fell apart, leaving the books on the floor.
I have understand that I really am a writer. Everything can happen to me and I'll still be alive, but once I have stopped writing, that's when I will truly die.
I haven't published an article these past few weeks, preferring to improve my Yu-Gi-Oh decks to destroy other players. But now that I have created the best decks and kept winning every single time, I am once again, empty. What am I supposed to do now?
Work, school, fun, but what for? What's the reason am I doing all this? To follow someone else's rules? To be someone else's assets? Dunno, I have forgot, I have completely missed the point.
Give me thousands of money bills and I'll remain unfazed. Show me the best games and I won't even care. Buy me the best foods and I won't even smile. And after getting ghosted by the first real-life cute person I approached, I can't care much about them anymore.
Is there still anything else left in this world, that can make me engaged and happy? Money, food, girls, games, achievements, doesn't do anything anymore.
Deym this is bad. Really bad. I don't want to end my story like this... At least, I want to, I want to have some students or children to teach someday, so that they won't become like me.
Meh I'll probably be able to do that in the next 10 years.
Anyway I think I've figured out something that can motivate me: To remain healthy and do work so that no one would be able to interfere with my life under the pretext that they want to help me. As long as I'm alive, I'll show myself to be healthy and okay.
Is there anything else? I think something more proactive would be great. Sigh... there must be something, something that if I managed to think or feel about, would instantly make me super motivated.
If nothing else, then I'll go with my original motto: Live as best as you can, a life where you don't have to ask for help nor make people see that you need any help.
No cool or interesting ideas are coming to my mind like before.
In this case, I'll have to practice emptying my mind and feelings. The temptation to play games, read webtoons, and watch anime until death is great, but I must know that they are simply trying to scratch an itch that would never be removed.
I can do this. I can still fight. I am still okay. I am still healthy. I can still grow and live.
So I took a lengthy nap, then my spirit guide and I had a talk while I'm doing house chores.
To summarize our discussion, my guide tells me that I have observed and analyzed everything I can from above, but I still do not know what is going on from inside and below.
I may have already observed everything there is to observe, but I remain completely clueless and ignorant when it comes to feelings and experiences.
If I were to continue growing, I have to take a "deep dive" in this life, which means to fully participate and involve myself in those I call trivial earthly matters.
I may tell myself that I already know so much about people from my observations and theories, tell myself that I already understand the psychology of a human being, but it will never change the fact that I remain willfully ignorant when it comes to truly understanding them.
Basically, I have only judged based on the things I saw and analyzed, but I have not a single idea of what goes in the deeper, subjective, and cringe essence of the individual. And this, is one of my greatest limitations as a self-proclaimed psychologist.
Dismissing every human feelings, emotions, and experiences as mere manifestations of inherent individual and social imperfections, without even considering their importance or meaning.
No wonder my guide says that I don't really understand people despite all my theories. I neither speak, listen, or participate. That's why I must not presume to say that I understand them, when all I'm doing is merely "seeing" them.
Wait am I even "seeing" them properly? All I'm doing is merely "assuming" them, which isn't even close to seeing them.
Seeing every task no more than as something to complete, every problem as something to solve, and every person as something to avoid.
No wonder that my life feels cold and empty. But is there any other use of a plate beside as a kitchen utensil? Is there any other use of a food beside to be eaten? Is there any other use for this life except to do your worst and die? After all, a story is just something that needs to be started and ended, nothing more, nothing less
Perhaps I am blind, because I do not really see anything. I do not see the intricate patterns that make up the plate. I cannot taste the complex flavors that make up a food. And most importantly, I cannot see the plot that makes up for a wonderful story.
Of course, all of those were a blatant lie. I have unconsciously set my brain to automatically filter and distort any information that comes with some sort of obligation and extra effort. There is no such word as "appreciate" in my dictionary.
As someone who is infinitely aware of everything I have to do to reach my dreams and become the best version of myself, seeing myself like this makes me really sad.
It seems that myself is no different from those I call "trivial and annoying people", those I usually analyze and ignore. But unlike them, I have to actually care for myself, because I'll die if I don't.
If I don't really want to do anything, my guide says that the only "signs" and "signals" that matter are the things I want to do. I can always try to do any of them and see how far I'll go, but if I somehow mess up, I can always pull out to avoid unintended consequences.
It's not like all of my decisions would be final decisions in itself, for it's always possible for me to pull out and change my mind any moment.
To perform a deep dive means to take a leap of faith and swim in the ocean of life, even if I do not know how to swim. At the very least, it's important for me to follow the acronym, Speak and Experience life regardless of how crude or imperfect the circumstances might be.
When all is said and done, I am left with no choice — no, I have been given a choice whether to continue delaying my progress or to start diving in the ocean of life, a choice to work on my story or keep living the same life with the same days.
"Writing Situationalysis like these are important so that if I were to suddenly and abruptly die or stop writing articles, my readers would know what happened to me."
"Those with little will have the little things they have be taken from them, then be given to those with many who can make it more useful."
"When reality gets too dark and boring to see, stop thinking and feeling, then start working."