Next thing you know I’m at Frederick’s of Hollywood—and this is before I’d ever been to Hollywood, so this was Frederick’s of Hollywood in the Dayton mall, in Buttfuck Ohio.
I’m picking out water bras with these women who are loving picking out water bras with a twenty-three-year-old man. Most of these women are older than me. But there’s one who’s about my age. They have their hands on me: they have to in order to size the bra. Turns out what looks good on me is a 32A. Pink. Water bra. And I’m buying panties too. I was going to stuff the bra until these women introduced me to the water bra. Before I walked into Frederick’s of Hollywood I didn’t know such a thing existed.
If you’re the host of a party called the Naughty, and on the invitations you’ve charged each of your guests to “Wear something naughty!” then you better damn show up in something naughtier than all. Pink panties and the rest of my Frederick’s of Hollywood get-up should do it. You never know, though; some of these Ohio kids are freaks.
I’m squeezing this water bra to feel its plushness and this check out girl is squeezing it with me and we’re both standing over it like experts at Christie’s examining lot 666, the matching bra and panty set for a man. Perfect! Better than stuffing! If someone feels me it’ll be oh so soft! I’d like to take this girl in the back and feel her chest, do some side-by-side comparisons to the water bra, see which one is softer, swap out this pair of panties for the ones she’s wearing. Etc. Instead I settle for giving her an invitation to the Naughty.
“What’s your name again?”
“Janel.”