A calm recognition and tracking of your own physiological and psychological pains and itches.
I've managed to take an afternoon nap after so many days of unproductivity. It wasn't a good nap and my arms have muscle pain from the swordsmanship training, but still. It's enough for me to regain my sanity during the last hour before bedtime, and I'm going to use this time to write an article. Taking a nap was crazy difficult, it felt like I was wrestling with my own mind. My mind was exploding with thoughts of playing more mobile games and using my phone instead of taking a nap. I had to change positions a hundred times. My nose was congested and my arms hurt from the muscle pain, it was a real struggle to fall asleep.
But it was worth it. I finally became sober after so many days, I can't even remember the last time I was sober. It feels good, my eyes are sharp, I'm not sneezing every ten minutes anymore and I don't feel the compulsion to doomscroll. Now that I think about it, it feels like the mental structure I built in my mind is the only thing preventing me from losing my sheep, it's the only thing stopping me from getting consumed by terminal illness and mental disorders. If I didn't have this mental structure that I painstakingly built with my bloody hands during my childhood, I would have been in the hospital already for depression, schizophrenia, mouth foot hand disease. I mean, how else can an autistic, friendless, sensitive, and broke person survive in this overwhelming world? They can somewhat thrive if they have a mental structure built on extreme determination, rage, and hope, while being supported by a solid personal philosophy.
Tally is an essential skill of a self-sustaining mind, being able to observe the smallest of internal states and track dozens of pain, itch, and thoughts at the same time. This mere act of observation is like a supervisor closely watching over their employees. This simple act of vigilance makes the employees more productive and concentrate on their work. Basically, it pins feelings and thoughts into a unit of experience, while simultaneously understanding their long-term functions. For example, I'm feeling a mild itch on my lower left leg, a persistent mild muscle pain in the middle of my right arm, random sensations on my head, and a pulsing mild pain in my right shoulder. I understand that they are temporary consequences of my past actions and ultimately necessary for my survival. Maybe I want to do something about them. But because I'm internally staring at them so intensely, they have no choice but to behave soon.
So when I was taking that difficult afternoon nap and wrestling with my own mind, I noticed something, a large and monstrous pattern. It's as if I'm infected by a mind bug that severely slows down my executive functions and gives me an almost uncontrollable urge to spend most of my days and life in the experience machine of happiness — doomscroling and playing games all day long. I think this is also the one responsible for making me wake up in the middle of the night with itching all over my body and forcing me to scroll endlessly in social media instead of continuing my sleep. I was able to somewhat overcome this pattern with my afternoon nap, but who knows if it will appear again. Regardless, I'll do whatever it takes to get a good afternoon nap from now on.
Me without taking naps: blub blub blub, me need to play moar gaems uwaaa
Me when taking my morning and afternoon nap: Hm yes, I need to write another comprehensive article detailing my plan and policies in building a good city in the future.
I wonder, do real life people experience the feeling of being "sober" too? Do they intentionally and regularly seek if like I do? Are they able to overcome all their compulsions, pain, and itch in a perfect state of mental clarity from time to time? I feel like if a person is always in a continuous state of mental clarity, if they are always sober, then it won't take long for them to become one with their free will, wherein they would begin to make choices not based on traditions, routine, or society but purely based on what they believe and know is right.
Hm my sisters have jobs now, they're earning money. I can't believe it took them only half a day to find a job by using personal connections, that's absolutely ridiculous. It usually takes months to get a job without personal connections. I'm older than them yet I'm here rotting on my bed most of the time. I can't believe I'm starting to have these comparisons. It's definitely not a good sign. I mean, I can always find a way to earn money like them but the capitalistic exploitation of labor is just inherently repulsive to my existence. Not to mention I'm still somewhat traumatized by my previous job experiences. Oh well, it doesn't matter. I shouldn't compare myself to anyone. After all, my goals and plans are far bigger than anyone can imagine. Oopsie, that's not good, that is also an act of comparison!
Indeed, my self-worth and right to exist as I am, shouldn't be based in any social, psychological, and biological metric. One can waste their entire life rotting on the bed and still deserve to exist. Yet I refuse to live that way. I will live in the greatest way I can imagine, in a perpetual state of mental clarity. That is who I am.