I don't want to touch the notes app or write articles. I want to keep playing games until I get what I want. I want to farm more oxytocin on the internet...
I must have really lost my mind. I haven't taken naps in two consecutive days after all. I've been clinging too much on the present instead of focusing on the future like I always used to do. I was plunging headfirst to an even greater insanity to comprehend the world. It turns out, the darkness isn't just darkness. It has walls, ground, and other objects inside. It's just like light, but without a single light that it appears to be empty. Fuck you blue line grammar checker.
My pillow case hasn't been washed for weeks. My other outdoor clothes don't seem to be washed either. I need to wash clothes tomorrow. Two giant school activities are looming over me this week. I don't think I can afford to slack off anymore. I can't afford to be addicted anymore. I can't afford to lose my mind in withdrawal symptoms anymore. My head and legs are in perpetual itch but I don't think I can afford to scratch them either. I only have a few coins of time left... And I must spend them all dealing with reality as it is.
A stupid line of a song I didn't even listen to this week or the previous week is hanging on my mind like a fly. "And I kept running for a soft place to fall". I'm definitely going to check the soundproofing on the second room tomorrow, then I'll scream and laugh as much as I want if it passes the check.
Ah... It's so motherducking useless. This shit doesn't hit as good as before so why the duck am I still addicted to it? I really need to stop man. I need to stop now. I must stop now. The future, I must concentrate on the future. The present has shattered again. I mean, we can only open presents once after all.
Duck this. I have no time for this. I need to pull my shit together while I'm still conscious enough to pull it.
Forget it. My hands are blue and my heart is purple. Come in, despair. Let's have tea. Come in, death. Here's your coffee.
One major characteristic of my life is One-sidedness. I love my future children and students without ever seeing them. I love humanity regardless of how other people treat me. I freely like and obsess over others regardless whether they like me or not. Because I do not ask other people for permission and simply do my own things, in my own little world, my life is often one-sided. It is a little lonely, but it's better than requiring the opinions of others to do anything. Maybe a little balance and moderation is good, but I don't care about that.
Another characteristic of my life is Extremity. I like to be dramatic and take things to their extremes as much as possible, so that life would be fun and interesting. I don't want to live partially, I want to go all the way to the depths of hell and the greatest of heavens. That's why my ambitions, goals, and character are all extreme. I want to live and fully and completely, and it doesn't mean just making the cup full, but overflowing the cup with so much liquid that it spills on the ground.
The most painful characteristic of my life is Experimentation. I want to try everything at least once as long as they don't disagree with my values, such that I would love to personally experience the bad endings and consequences of every single path. Therefore, I would love to try every possibility that doesn't instantly kill me so I would gain a lot of knowledge and experience, no matter how much pain and regret comes from it. After all, how can one say they have finished the game when they haven't unlocked the secrets rooms and achievements?
Just a single one of these characteristics is enough to make a person go mad. Yet all three of them? I should have gone mad several years ago. But the reason I'm still somewhat sane is because of my Spirituality. When I was a child, I read the Bible. When I was a teenager, I read the Urantia Book, Tao Te Ching and other taoist texts. When I was an adult, I read countless Buddhist Sutras, including the Flower Ornament Sutra. Without any stable source of socioemotional support, my Spirituality is the only one keeping me alive and sane. Becoming dead and insane seems easier though, but where's the fun in that?
I don't want to scroll in social media anymore for the sake of clinging to uncertainty and seeking instant novelty with just a single movement of a finger. I don't want to abandon reality anymore by playing games until I'm bored. I want nothing to do with both clinging and abandonment, but that too, is a form of clinging to enlightenment and abandoning my humanity.
Just because the rain falls, one shouldn't cry. Just because the sun rises, one shouldn't smile. Just because the lightning is loud, one shouldn't cower. The outside world changes too quickly and too intensely for our minds to adapt. The goal isn't to slow down or speed up our response to change, but to look at change in a different way.
What is change? I fear that I would answer this question in the same way I have did in the past years. I wish my answer would change as well. Change is simply rising and falling of things, thoughts, and emotions. It is the motion of the world and the motion of the mind reacting to each other in one cosmic dance. All things may appear to start, stop, grow, weaken, expand, and contract; and they're all part of change. Change may be predictable or unpredictable, but they happen and leave their mark in the world. As grains of sand, we are all in the mercy of cosmic cycles, being swayed by the circulation of various winds we know nothing about.
Regardless whether we do something or not, we are all tossed here and there, to and fro, in circumstances and situations we never expected. The winds are strong, and the fires are powerless. We only ought to light the fire for things that matter to us, or the only thing that might be left to burn is ourselves.
Useless metaphors, none of them can ever capture the cruelty, repetition, and injustice of life; the beauty and wonder of existence. Nevertheless, let's keep on living, amidst all our desires and avoidance, with all our cravings and abandons. There's no better to understand and define life, than to experience it in its entirety.