Most of my behaviors these days are beyond the domain of rationality, they're difficult to explain with simple cause and effects. Because of my constant suppression and repression, it seems most of my behavior has been unknowingly forced underground. It's like trying to get out something stuck in a hole, only for it to end up falling into that hole, never to be seen again.
This article then, is like a microscope that will allow me to see what's stuck in the hole and maybe even come up with solutions to take it out and being it to the open.
The unconscious habits I often notice is teeth mashing, death scrolling, and aimless wandering. Whenever I'm idle, overwhelmed with the emptiness, I unconsciously do one of the habits mentioned above, only end up noticing it after hours has passed.
Thus, my days pass in this way, like a leaf falling into the ground.
I've done some research and found out that teeth mashing can lead to dental problems and headaches, it'd be best become aware of it as much as possible. I think it happens as a result of stress, frustrations, and restlessness born from anxiety, paranoia, and rapid thinking.
Death scrolling is a problem as prominent and pervasive as poverty. It eats away at my time and self-esteem, often turning me into a lifeless vegetable. Although a few chapters of webtoon here and there isn't bad, exceeding three chapters is often enough to knockdown my spirit and shut down my awareness.
Perhaps it happens as a result of excessive stress, frustrations, helplessness, and idleness that so often leads one to daydreaming and fantasy seeking. Maybe one of its triggers are the thoughts of comparisons to other people, arousing uncomfortable levels of envy and jealousy.
It's like I'm reading one webtoon chapter for every single thing in life that annoys me. This means I'll be reading endless, infinite, untold number of webtoon chapters until I cease to feel annoyed, which will only when I'm dead or when I realized enlightenment.
Aimless wandering is like a direct manifestation of my own mind. Because my mind is often aimlessly wandering, jumping from thought to thought, I tend to aimlessly wander from place to place as well. I guess it's the search for excitement, expecting the world to be fun and interesting, expecting that our life should be like an anime plot otherwise it will be pointless.
It's understandable, everyone wants to feel special. Everyone wants to be meaningful and important. Everyone believes that they're the center of the world. Well, they're not wrong though. Everywhere is the center and the circumference is nowhere. Each one is a god of their own world. There's nothing wrong with that because its true. However, even a god has to do something if they want something to happen. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum.
What happens when we don't do anything? When we seem to have completed all the obligatory tasks? There's emptiness. And the first thing that rises from the emptiness are the frustrations, boredom, and cravings. They're always the first ones to float in the ocean of suffering. They're like sharks that's attracted to the blood of the damned.
You can't run away from it. You can't fight it. But we can go deeper into it. Dive. We must dive in the ocean of suffering and open our eyes to see what truly happens below the surface. Opening our eyes underwater is already difficult but opening it under the ocean full of salt? It's like exposing our eyes to saltwater that will definitely bring an instant of pain and irritation to any brave diver who tries.
However, after a while, the instant of pain we get from opening our eyes under the ocean would eventually disappear, allowing us to see what truly happens below. It is extremely painful to admit our pain, even more painful to look at it in the eye. But that is what we must do. It's far better than being eaten alive by the sharks on the surface.
Now what do we see? It's blurry. There are a lot of floating sand particles. There are countless thoughts flooding, overwhelming the mind. It's annoying but we should just dive deeper. Look, there's a lot of fishes and plants of different colors. So many living things impossible to see from looking at the surface. This is the creative power of the mind, the ability to create something from nothing. This is a fun place, there are many interesting sights to see.
We can stop here but let's go even deeper. Let's dive into the deepest depths of the human mind. What do we see? It's dark, really dark. It's the abyss that consumes all, the great void beyond the void. Here lies our darkest and most painful memories, the true causes of our frustrations, and the mother of our fears. They're not reasons, for they are all irrational. They're not excuses, for they were truly painful. Seeing the vast darkness is breathtaking, literally breathtaking as we are almost running out of breath after diving this far.
Ah we can't hold it anymore, let's return to the surface and try to catch our br-... We lost it. We exhaled and lost our breath. Now we are falling, slowly sinking into the abyss. We begin to remember our memories of the past, all the pain we experienced as we helplessly sink towards the bottom of the ocean.
As we fall endlessly into the abyss, we eventually saw some moving lights, they must be the bioluminescent animals. The lights are increasing. There's a lot of them. It's like an underwater lantern festival. These are the best memories we had experienced in our life. The water feels heavier than before. As our bodies slowly gets crushed by the sheer pressure, our consciousness eventually fades into oblivion.
"Hey, you're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right?"