There's so many topics but we can't think about all of them. There's so many thoughts but we can't write all of them. There's so many itches but we can't scratch all of them.
To endure and struggle against the inevitable and uncontrollable is called Suffering, to be aware of their existence, understand, and respect them, is called Enlightenment.
From the depths of silence, Wisdom grows. Bathed in stillness, Wisdom is nurtured. Turning Wisdom into words, pass through the tunnel of infinite clarity and openness.
Here are the higher observations I noticed about myself in under the depths of silence:
Not to brag, but it seems like my eyes are like lasers analyzing everything in perception. It even analyzes the analyzing itself, sparing nothing. This ever-compulsive analysis is both a gift and a curse. With it, I'm able to understand many things, but because of it, I cannot properly interact with those things, since the mind is too busy analyzing them.
This gives me a surface-to-middle iceberg understanding of almost everything in the universe, but since I cannot fully interact with them, I can never fully understand their essence nor see the bottom of the iceberg, only comprehend their forms.
Whenever I see a person, in an instant, I can analyze all data from their appearance, posture, speaking style, chatting style, and automatically synthesize all those information to form an initial background information. Whenever they speak, I can't stop my mind from analyzing everything they say, which makes it difficult for me to respond properly, so I only reply in introvert responses.
It's not just a state of mind or a mindset, but a grave disability that plagues the person's life until they can barely do anything. It has become ingrained in my unconscious subconscious habit not to care for everyone and everything other than me.
At first, it seems like a simple antisocial thingy, but when examined closely, the effects are highly pervasive and severe.
Because I don't care, it's infinitely difficult to be polite and follow sociocultural norms necessary for getting a social life. Additionally, it prevents me from understanding the importance of seemingly small and cringe things in life. But the greatest effect of all — I can't bring myself to apologize and properly communicate with people in real life.
One latest example is when I have to convince others to do something for the sake of the group. However, I don't care about the group. So I end up doing nothing. I realized that people can only have the guts to control and influence others if they truly believe that it will help them too.
They're not shouting because they hate someone, but because they want someone to understand, they truly believe that shouting more will be able to help them understand. That's why they can do it without any hesitation.
However, because of my philosophical predisposition and apathetic mindset, I question if whatever I'm doing will be able to truly help someone. If it will help someone, then I won't do it, because I don't want to care about them. If it will not help someone, then why would I do it?
My logic sucks because this is emotional reasoning. I know, showing care and affection for others is extremely fictional, something that's not supposed to exist in reality. That's the world I grew up in. I can't be blamed, but I should still take responsibility. Nah, can't care about such thing.
Although my mind seems extremely liberal and chaotic most of the time, my actions in real life are extremely conservative and small, just like a T-Rex with very little arms. This creates an abyssal gap between thoughts and actions, between expectations and reality, creating all kinds of difficulties.
I realized that this may be because of my scientific tendency to understand every little thing and make sense of the world, and making giant leaps won't help me understand the major contributing factors that lead to success or failure.
Thus, I consciously subconsciously choose to make hundreds of little experiments than to perform few giant ones. The little experiments with fewer variables are easier to analyze and interpret and is much more reliable than giant experiments with thousands of moving parts.
To understand each moving part one step of a time is one of my major unconscious habits that seems to be present in all aspects of my life. Although this is helpful in making real science experiments, it makes my life progress quite slow and prevents me from freely exploring an unknown territory. It's like I have to draw on the map for every step I take.
Too much anxiety makes people unconsciously defend themselves even if nothing harmful or dangerous is happening. This is particularly true in myself, where instead of communicating to inform or help others like everyone else, I'm often communicating to defend myself from all potential harm and humiliation.
I noticed that people don't really care much about what others say, since their own minds makes them focus all thinking about themselves. To be extremely conscious of what we say, only sabotages ourselves and doesn't help at all in communication.
What makes those people really good at communication is because they don't care about getting harmed or humiliated, they only care about expressing themselves and informing others. Our intention matters the most in real-life communication, it determines how we appear to others and how our words will flow.
Thinking that the entire world revolves around us, fearing that everyone will jump on us on the slightest mistake, doesn't make for a healthy intention nor a good conversation.
"Attraction to thoughts, sensations, and emotions, what good will it bring? Creating ripples in the water, there's no clear reflection. Even fishes will drown."
"The emptiness is not empty. The nothingness is not dark. The infinity is not overwhelming, but liberating. Those who realize this are ready to begin their journey."