I guess my rape jokes are a test. I never like people who aren't comfortable laughing at themselves to be anywhere near me. And not just laughing at themselves, but laughing at the absurdity of the entirety of everything.
Kristi passed the test.
We laughed and laughed and I told her rape joke after rape joke and tears came out of our eyes and we offended a whole Border's coffeehouse full of hipsters and homeless people. The homeless people would groan and lament my lost ladyhood and say the world had gone to hell when women were telling rape jokes on themselves.
Finally we got around to the subject of pay.
"How much do you want to be paid? I'll pay you twice what you're making now."
"I'm making zero now."
"How can you pay your rent?"
"I don't."
"How do you buy wine?"
"Sell food stamps for cash?"
"Well," I touch her hand, "we'll take care of that."
"Don't you want to see my qualifications?"
"I already have."
"I have a résumé."
"No no no I don't do résumés. I like you. That's your qualification. I don't like many people."
"Ok," Kristi says.
She puts her résumé back in a manilla folder.
"Why didn't you just send that to me online?"
Kristi looks down.
"Don't have internet."
"I'm gonna take care of that, ok?"
I lean back. My world is coming together.
"Lauren?"
"Yes, Kristi?"
"What exactly is our project?"
"Well, let me tell you."
I turn my tablet around so she can see my screenplay—if you could even call that cat snarl a screenplay.
"First I need you to go through this and make a story out of it. I'll help you. But I mean..can you type? Because usually I'm a one-finger girl and for this I managed to up it to two but any more than that I'm afraid I'll overheat."
Kristi takes the tablet and scrolls through.
"What is it about?" she asks.
"It's about power. Who has it. Who doesn't. Who wants it. Who gets it. And what's man's ultimate power? What's woman's?"
"I don't know," Kristi says.
"Sex. The ultimate coin. A type of roleplaying as a greater organism. What if two were one? That is the question. To merge. To become one with the greater universe. To swap roles. To touch so intimately that it's impossible to know where one begins and the other ends. For me to touch you such that your body becomes mine. And it's about violence. Violence against men, women..violence against us all, committed by us all. Except there's no bad guys. Everyone has their reasons. Everyone has their upbringing. That is where you learn to want—that's where all those needs are built. And then, somewhere, we become monsters—the evil Gremlins born of their harmless counterparts, you know?"
Kristi is looking at me motionless.
"And it's a movie about red and white. Ok? Red blood. White panties. Got it? It's about the fetishization of violence. And if you're not ready to work on a movie like that..a movie that goes all the way..then it's been nice talking to you, Kristi, and if you take the red pill, we're going all the way down Alice's rabbit hole, and until this movie's on that screen across the street—the largest screen—you and I will work insanely until we get this shit done. Because that's why I came to LA and that's what I'm going to do."
I give her the look: that look when partners enter ride together, die together status.
"Take a sip of your wine. Take your time. I could use another espresso."
"No wait."
"You're trying to prevent me from getting my espresso?"
"No wait. You've got me. You're the kind of person the Oracle of Hollywood told me about. I'm in. I'll work for you. And since I'm your assistant now, I'll get you that espresso."
Kristi stands up.
"Who's the Oracle of Hollywood?" I say.
"I'll take you to see her," Kristi says, and she goes to get my espresso.
After that bitch bought me an espresso, I bought her a cell phone, a network tablet, and asked her what the fuck was up with this Oracle of Hollywood.
"Do I ask her my fates or something?"
"No. You just rent a PO box and she'll tell you."
"Why do I need a PO box?"
"No one gets their mail at their address in Hollywood."
After we got her shit activated and she had my contact info..
"..So you can answer calls from me 24/7."
"Right."
"This is a 24-hour job."
"Right. Ok."
"So let's see about this oracle."
We go to a FedEx store on Cahuenga.
"That's her."
I see a Latina woman behind the counter.
"Um, ya, I'd like to rent a box."
"You just came to Hollywood."
I look over at Kristi.
"Your name is Lauren."
"How did you know my name is Lauren?"
"She's the Oracle of Hollywood, dude."
Kristi pushes me closer.
The Oracle of Hollywood takes my hand. She feels the back side.
"You come for advice, huh?"
"No I was just here to rent a box."
The Oracle of Hollywood flips my hand over and presses it to the glass counter. She examines its veins. Then she throws my hand down and says, "What do you want?"
"I heard you could tell the fates—"
"I think you know your fates, child!"
Kristen looks at me. I look at the Oracle.
"You still want to rent that box?"
Out on the sidewalk, Kristen jumps up and down.
"I've never seen her do that!!"
"Well do you think..that's..a good thing?"
"Well it means you're special mettle, for sure," K says, and she grabs my arm and we go south on Cahuenga.