Another analysis of my current situation.
Tags: Personal, Situationalysis, Reflection, Long, Dark, Problem-Solving, New Concepts, Unformatted
I'm at the point in my life where neither games, webtoons, anime, chatting, or anything satisfies me anymore. My sleep patterns has degraded a lot and I seem more prone to wasting my time. Not to mention my writing speed for my articles have gotten considerably slow as well.
It seems long-term mental deterioration due to stagnation is really getting to me. My problems aren't linear anymore, I see hundreds of underlying factors that contributes to my situation and I cannot afford to fix all of them. This means that playing defensive mode isn't going to benefit me any longer.
I apologize for the sad introduction of this article, but I don't see it that way, it's just life. Life is a chess game where we make moves and experience consequences, and I have been constantly making some bad moves, so this is the result.
It's not a matter of how sad I should feel for myself, but how I would correct this situation and learn from my mistakes to turn the tide of my life.
I feel like I'm out of moves. At this rate, I'm going to be checkmated in seven moves or less. Emptiness has completely swallowed my heart, it would only be a matter of time before it reaches my brain.
Is there anything else I can do? I understand that change takes time, but isn't there something, something that would make feel a little more alive?
I can't... think of anything. How do people feel alive anyway? I already appreciate the little things in life, but it still doesn't make me feel alive. Yikes I've never felt this helpless and lame.
Sorry, I can't really imagine myself interacting with other real-life people... I judge them, and they judge me, we'll never get along.
So my solution is that I'm going to take the convenient way out for the last time, and just allow myself to be completely swallowed by emptiness until every last piece of my thoughts and emotions disappear. I'm going to work myself consistently and endlessly like a robot who feels and thinks nothing, just like the empty person I am.
If emptiness is my fate, then I'll gladly accept it with my entire being, without feeling bad for it.
In order to become completely empty and productive at the same, I have to become an empty robot without any thoughts nor emotion except to complete my tasks and my day. Judging how empty I already am, this would be quite an easy task for me.
I'm not going to resist the emptiness anymore. Let it flood my entire soul and being for all it's worth. If I'm going to be stuck as a hamster in a hamster wheel for the rest of my life, then I'll become the best hamster ever, one that can keep running forever.
Let my natural desires and emotions clash in an all-out war against the emptiness I feel, though I'll be cheering for the latter side to win.
One thing that remains true in my life is that I can become anything I want to be. Then in that case, I'll become an empty shell, a robot without any sense of meaning and purpose who can keep working forever.
Frankly, I don't see this as a bad thing at all. After all, the only thing that matters in life is to do our tasks on time and do them well. If I'll become more productive by doing this, then I don't see why not.
I somehow feel like a child for some reason for letting my life go downhill like this just because I'm unfortunate enough not to have any social skills to get a friend nor any luck to have someone befriend me.
Whatever way I look at it, this is extremely immature, as if a child is throwing a tantrum after not getting the toy it wants at the toy store.
Good grief, what the ducking hell am I supposed to do then? You want me to work my ass off rather than getting stuff handed to me on a silver platter? HAHAHA NOPE.
On second thought, you're kinda right. Annoyingly right. Is it wrong for me to be wrong? Maybe I just really hate the way everyone gets stuff they want so easily while I have to work everything from scratch.
It's as if they simply pull whatever they want inside their ass while I have to learn everything from scratch. Ducking unfair.
It's not wise to compare my life to other people though. Every person finds some part of their lives easy while some part completely difficult and unfair.
I call this the "Tranchor's Imperfection Law", which states that every person has at least one part of their lives which they find extremely difficult and unfair.
It just happens that my easy part comes with stuff involving thinking and the difficult part comes with stuff involving people.
That makes me wonder, how do people deal with the unfair and difficult part of their lives? Hmm my dad has anger issues but never works on it. My online friends places their value on how other people perceives them but rarely works on it.
And here am I, where I have social interaction issues but also doesn't work on it hahaha.
I'm sure there are some people who managed to overcome their respective weaknesses. Just how exactly did they do it?Did someone else helped them out? Did they do 100 pushups, squats, and 10km run every single day? Was there any other solution than to suck it up and do it?
Honestly, I couldn't ducking care of those success stories that involves something like "so I'm very poor and stupid, I worked hard and hard until I'm now rich yay". I hate anything that even remotely looks like "so I was anxious, and I realized it's bad, so I started to talk to people until I'm not anxious anymore!".
This success stories are only downright insulting. Seriously, how the ducking duck who's someone who's living at 0 for most of their lives, suddenly reach 100? What the duck happened in the middle? Did a genie grant your wish or something?
I don't want to know how successful you have become, but I do want to know about all the times you have failed, all the times where you ran away, the times where you messed everything up, and the time where you felt so helpless as if nothing can ever change your situation.
Only then, where you tell me what exactly it is that pushed you from being a lifetime failure to a winner.
No, I'm never going to take "willpower" for an answer. I'm never gong to take "because I tried harder" for an answer. Tell me the exact ducking emotion you felt and its level of intensity that completely changed something inside you.
Was it desperation, frustration, or madness that made you that way? Was it fear or a shocking realization? Or maybe it's just an accident and you slipped on a lucky banana peel? I'll find the answer no matter what.
My day completely broke and shattered today, with me wasting my entire day playing games and reading webtoons. I feel completely dead, cold, and empty, fueled by a powerful desire to escape reality.
But don't worry, I'm still fine. I always ensure that not a single thought of negative criticism can float on my mind for more than a second. Or maybe that's exactly why I messed up my day today, because I didn't criticize any of my actions.
I feel like there's a giant dam on my mind holding all my thoughts and worries away, and this dam is almost full and about to overflow. It feels as if I won't be able to hold them back for any longer.
Let's take sneak peak of the kind of thoughts that are flowing in the dam:
Haii I'm tRanChor and I'm really good at thinking. I'm applying for the position of Human at the Meaningful Life corp. Wdym I'm lacking in experience? Another failed job interview, let's find another...
Death. Death. Death. An empty death is the only thing that awaits me. Where do I escape? Where do I run? How can I hide? I want to live...
A meaningless life awaits me. I'm scared. I can't move my legs. I can't move forward. There's nothing but darkness in front of me. How do you take a step forward when there's nothing, completely nothing in front of you?
I'm inside a maze where the floor looks empty as if you could fall anytime and all the walls are mirrors. Only the moonlight is the source of light.
How long have I been stuck in here? Everytime I try to look at the wall, my face seems to get older and more distorted. It's so cold. What am I supposed to do in here? So this is what it feels to be completely empty. A truly terrifying feeling.
Is this really my fate? Am I really supposed to wait for my death in this miserable state? Is there something else that I could do? Something... Someone...
A voice from nowhere whispers into my mind "How pathetic... Is this all you got? Can't even handle a simple illusion? Can't survive a sudden drop of temperature? Can't live alone for a few years? You're going to die at this rate. Fix this in 2 days, or I'm going to take over."
Needless to say, I really need a solution for this. This is dangerous. Brutally dangerous. I'm going to stop playing games until Monday, stop watching webtoons until Monday, and stop watching any anime episode until I got a day straight.
I am extremely isolated from society. It's like I'm a boy living alone on a remote place in the Arctic. If I get depressed now, no one would be able to pull me out. I can't allow myself to drown...
There's no reason to shed a tear when no one would wipe it. There's no reason to die when no one would attend my burial.
If necessary, I'm going to forcefully drag and pull myself out of this darkness. I cannot die just yet. I am so broke I cannot afford to die.
From now on, I'm going to survive by using the mindset...
ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
"This is an extremely serious emergency situation. Every second is a matter of life and death."
"One of the darkest article by far. The increasing number incoherent paragraphs is getting scary."
"Meaningless life and death in front of me. Annoying mirrors beside me. A phone in my hand. A sheepy past behind me. Isn't this... Checkmate?"