In the infinitesimal likelihood that this thing reaches 365 chapters, I will publish and sell it as an ebook online.
At some point, I realized that I have always had a fundamental social disconnect that prevents me from ever connecting with humans in a socio-cultural level. In the words of Adler, it seems that I am severely lacking in social interest. The truth is, I have always failed to see humans as something more than resources, as sources of knowledge, wealth, and neurotransmitters. Then does this mean that I do not deserve to interact with humans at all? A pointless question. Either way, I'll have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Ah it feels hopeless no matter how much I look at it. The internet does an excellent job in multiplying human folly and intelligence. If you think real life is full of scams and capitalistic exploitation, then you haven't seen the Internet. The keyword "free money" has been completely contaminated, 99.99% of the time, they are trying to make you do all the labor while they reap most of the rewards, only leaving you a few breadcrumbs. Take the keyword "giveaway" for example, it's not as contaminated, there are real giveaways in the internet that are easy to find. We have to use the right keywords to find internet treasures. Another thing is "sponsorship", "grants", and "financial assistance", a rare keyword that rich people use to give talented people money.
There is no minute that passes by without me wanting to pluck all my eyeballs and eat them. Just how painful it can be? What would it taste like? What would be texture? Will be able to chew it despite the excruciating pain and slowly losing consciousness? Aren't you curious? Thinking about it does make me a little excited. Someone out there in history must have done it, I wonder how much they regretted it.
Likewise, there is no moment that passes by without the delicious urge to bash your head on a solid object thousands of times until you no longer feel hurt, worried, stressed, or scared anymore. I wonder how great it would feel. You would probably feel very lightheaded and funny after doing that. What a wonderful life.
I have binged read ten thousand manwhas and played ten thousand games. I have consumed all types of media that I'm too full to consume anymore. Is there anything else left to read? Anything left to scroll? Anything left to watch and play? There's nothing left. There is nothing. Nothing is. Nothing. One can only watch the slow passage of time, the movement of the clouds, the crashing of the waves — while most of your body are stuck in the mud, unable to move, running out of breath.
Ah I'm so tired. If only there's a superhero that would come here and save. Save who? Am I even worth saving? There's nothing more pitiful and pathetic than wallowing in suffering when you can just get a life and a job where you will be exploited for the rest of your life. Those birds look cute. I want to eat them raw while they frantically flap their wings inside my mouth.
Red flags this, red flags that. If anyone else says that one more time, I'm going to stab a giant ducking red flag up their ass and hang them on the nearest tower. That way, they can experience the true red flag experience that they really love, they'll never be separated from their favorite flag ever again. It would be an incredibly satisfying sight to see, an unforgettable moment for everyone else.
Everything is so dull and boring. It would be much better to just become a hitchhiker to a random place and get kidnapped by others. At least, it would be a new and delicious experience. What else can I do? Drinking and seeing blood is the closest thing to life that any creature of darkness can get. Those who have been denied a life can only experience life by draining the life of others. That is their definition of justice.
In a labyrinth where most people can easily get out by texting each other about the locations of the exit, there are few people without phones nor anyone who can tell them the exit. They will have to find the exit themselves. After mastering hundreds of labyrinths, they will become legendary pathfinders who will always know the path, the direction they need to go — only if they sanity still remains intact. Most of them lose their sanity before getting out of the labyrinth and so they become labyrinth monsters who prevents other people from escaping.
While my infinite tenacity does allow me to survive whatever happens, it is the same thing that prevents me from asking for anyone's help or depending on anyone. The strong does not have any incentive to ally themselves with the weak, and the weak can't do anything else but to move in groups to compensate for their weakness. The weaker you think you are, the more you will cling to friendships, relationships, normality, and strength in numbers. They are like plants, when one plants is getting cut, they quickly send danger signals to other plants. So when you tried to cut a plant, remember that all plants in the vicinity are now wary of you — and the more plants you cut, the more defensive and hostile other plants become, even if they do not directly saw you cutting other plants. Therefore you must either cut the plants all at once or be fast enough that you can cut a plant before it gets to send a signal to anyone.
Yikes I'm out of energy already, I don't know what else to write for this chapter to make it more dark and edgy. Usually, I'm able write 1300 words without getting tired, up to 3000 words if I'm motivated. These days, I can only write up to 900 words before I start getting tired and lazy. I must be getting old. It happens. Every bad thing just happens. And every good thing is merely a dream, a slave's futile dream.
I don't understand why people don't want to feel used. I think it is normal to use people and be used. I think it is a great honor to be used by someone good. I believe life becomes meaningful when we are used properly by others. What else do they expect? All I know about social interactions is that it's a transaction where we use one another for our own benefit. I cannot conceive or imagine of anything more than that. Relationships for me, are no more different than business partnerships where you regularly use one another. Why should it be more than that? I don't just get it. Maybe people are just too greedy.
My life these days feels like a slow descent into the abyss. There's no one to talk with, nothing to do, and nothing to think. It's as if I'm confined within a anechoic chamber for an indefinite amount of time — I am made hyperaware of the ceaseless flow of time that flows through my existence. It makes me ask the same question: Without any interaction with the outside world, who am I? Can there possibly exist a "me" without "them"? I don't know.
I've gotten allergic to cold temperatures. Just yesterday, I was coughing and sneezing every five minutes, where my nose was both clogged and runny. Thus, I have no choice but to wear a jacket 24/7 and I can never go outside if the wind feels a little chilly. It's terrible, but at least I'm not lethargic nor out of energy. This kind of cold, isolated, and alienated life is no different than my childhood, so I'm not in the least bit surprised nor annoyed, this is what's normal for me.
And so every passing day, instead of doing something productive that can change my life, I contemplate my own helplessness and poor choices on the abandoned second floor, with neither walls nor stairs, where the only thing way in and out is an unreliable wooden ladder. What was I thinking? Choosing an anti-meta build just to be different and interesting, when people have always avoided those who are different, and would rather choose those who look similar, familiar, and friendly.
Do I regret it? No, ain't no way I'm gonna regret it. Even if I'm confined in an isolation chamber for ten thousand years or mentally tortured for an infinite amount of time, I will never regret my decision to choose a different social adaptation than others. I would rather live an empty and isolated life than a boring and mundane life. Although to be honest, my life right now is both empty, isolated, boring, and mundane lol. Maybe it's just a case of sweet lemon.
It's hilarious how I often talk about freedom in my previous articles, when I'm completely socially and emotionally confined and helpless. Or perhaps it is because I'm the most diligent slave that I often dream and talk about freedom. Indeed, I'm no more free than a prisoner in a super maximum security prison. There are times where I would just like to have an extreme mental breakdown or get struck by lightning ten thousand times in a row. Yet my mind only responds "you know who you are, you cannot die nor become insane even if you want to".
Despite having ambitions greater than the world itself, believing that I'm some kind of dragon, I'm actually just a tiny lizard no bigger than a cockroach. As grand as I want my life to be, I have to acknowledge that today, this week, this month, and possibly this year, my life is nothing more than eating, working, and sleeping. That's why it is not an ascent, but a descent, to the deepest depths of my mind. For the ten thousandth time, I am forced to ask myself the same question "What do I really want?".
As I try my best to gather the words to explain this profound emptiness, I choke in my own limitations. How can we ever express such nothingness? I am at loss for words and possibility. Thinking about emptiness, I eventually stopped thinking.
You know your day has been really good when you manage come up with more content for another chapter! And this is why I'm writing a new chapter today. It seems it takes me 2 days to write another chapter for this book. Not bad at all.
Today is a very interesting day where my chest felt heavier than usual and breathing normally creates a lot of fun noises in my chest. It was also the day where every 15 minutes, I cough heavily three times in a row as a futile effort to get rid of something sticky within my throat. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to take a proper nap today. My parents took me to the hospital to get some check up but the doctor wasn't there, so they made me walk home on my own without any compensation for my wasted time nor any travel expenses.
I wonder if it's just me but it seems our household was three times louder and more chaotic today. That's not all, my phone almost died and restarted three times in a row despite having a lot of battery left. Thus, my phone was pitch black for about 30 minutes, unable to be opened. What a life, this can't be even called a bad day, this is just another normal day for me.
My immune system is quite strong, so I'm not getting any fever. I rarely get any respiratory problems either but this time my immune system somehow got compromised due to some slight depression. I can't believe I actually got a little depressed, it seems my mental fortitude isn't high enough. I'll have to put all my points to mental fortitude from now on.
It seems people try to improve their life little by little, pushing themselves harder and harder everyday, just to feel a little more comfortable. I don't so such thing. If I have to exert 100% of effort just for an additional 1% efficiency, I ain't doing it. I would rather helplessly wait and do nothing for ten thousand years until an opportunity arrives where I can change 99% of my life with just 3% of effort. I'm not as hardworking as you think.
One of the things that keeps me going is curiosity. Just how much more I'm going to experience? Just how will this story end? What's the purpose of this seemingly useless arc? I have questions left unsolved, and I'm not going to leave the world with still so many questions in my mind. I'll keep on breathing, even if my breath sounds like a broken whistle.
It would be so nice if some rich person gives me millions of dollars and sends me a butler that will help me manage and use my money. It will be like the true spoiled kid experience, where you begin to ask more and more ridiculous requests to your butler. Nah I'm just daydreaming at this point, I know for sure that this hell is going to continue for quite a while.
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Greetings, my dear non-existent readers! Your favorite author has now more than enough content and time to write another article in the book of despair! Feast your eyes upon the marvelous spectacle of human suffering and eternal isolation that so ever characterizes the human condition.
Let's start by that story of a giant wooden splinter, half an inch in size, that managed to find its way deep inside the nail of my right index finger. I still remember such a gruesome moment, the intense panic I felt when I realized that I happen to have one of the most painful naturally occurring injuries known to man. They say that splinters and nail injuries are the worst, but this time, I happen to had both at the same time! The worst part is, I wasn't dreaming, it was all real. Indeed, the first feeling I felt was disbelief, I truly ducked up so bad that I must have been dreaming. That thought didn't even last a few seconds when the immense pain kept surging through my finger. Ah I was so scared! I wanted to shout and cry, I wanted to ask for help! Alas, I remembered that in this household, the only way acceptable way to cope with suffering is to violently share it with others or to grit your teeth and endure.
Of course, knowing who I am, and what I want to be, I have always chosen the latter. To let others know is to allow them to make a huge fuss about it before they forcefully try to remove my splinter in the most painful way possible, all while telling me to shut the duck up and behave like a real person, then taking advantage of the situation to blame any one of my habits that they do not like, and imposing unjustified restrictions to my actions. When I remembered that, I took a deep breath, reached for my nailcutter, and carefully used it to remove the splinter stuck inside my nail. Seeing my finger finally bleed was a relief — the splinter was gone. All that's left was a heroic tale to tell everyone in the internet to get tiny scores of attention and predictable empathy. Still, my finger was hurting real bad for two days after that. It makes me proud of my abnormally high pain tolerance, which allows me to easily ignore most physical pain I experience, making it appear as if nothing ever happened.
It wasn't bad, at least I got to experience something new and had a new horror story to tell my future kids and children. But to be honest, I would not want to experience that again. Once is enough.
When it comes to tales of suffering, my sheepy ass phone and charger will never fail to be present. I've already accepted that my phone's home screen is gone for years and that it will take at least 15 minutes of recovery time after waking up before it can functions. Unfortunately, just last week, it took 15 hours before it can finally stop restarting endlessly and get its sheep together. Then in the past few days, it took almost 30 hours before the phone stops restarting and calms the duck down. It wasn't something I can accept anymore. With great sadness, I formatted my phone while its still working and sane, and pressed factory reset.
It was very refreshing to factory reset my phone. My home screen, which wasn't working for years, finally worked. It doesn't need any restarts or recovery time anymore for it to properly function. But like always, there are always some regrets. It was good that I saved backups of my crypto before factory reset and wrote down a list of apps I need to download, yet I have forgotten something more important. You see, I seem to have forgotten what email I used for one of my important social media accounts. I only have like three most common emails that I use everywhere and some niche emails that I rarely use. I swore I used the third most common email to register that account, but it's not working. I tried all the niche emails I remembered and they weren't working either. It was the moment when I realized that I ducked up and I cannot find anything to blame, for I didn't expect this to happen at all. I tried to get their customer support but they didn't give a single duck. Indeed, I have lost that account forever.
There was this online competitive game that I fancy these days, playing it for few hours every day. It was Brawl Stars, I have made so much progress in that game, unlocked my ultra rare favorite character, and earned so many resources. However, just as what you would expect, I cannot access it anymore after I format my phone. I thought that being connected to google play games is enough to save my progress just as how it has always worked with other mobile games.
Yet this time, it was far from the truth. It was simply too late when I realized that I needed to register and connect to another system if I want to save my progress. At first, I wanted to complain and cry, because if they only made the registration appear mandatory and important, I wouldn't have missed it. Alas, I can only blame my own innate cluelessness that keeps me company through the eternal winter. I tried to get customer service support again, and it seems they cared — they pretended to care. I have never heard of them again after they said that they'll send instructions to my email. My account is as good as dead. Even if I create a new account, it is impossibly difficult to get the same ultra rare character again since I only got it through luck before. What a terrible day for rain.
I have written a lot and my fingers feel tired. Yet I have not expressed even a tenth of my suffering. Today, my parents suddenly gave me an extremely difficult task of physical labor. Usually, these tasks are just about lifting hollow blocks and digging graves but today, I carried dozens of heavy sacks across vast distances. In just a few minutes, I'm already tired and drenched in sweat but I had to do it for two ducking hours. Did you hear that? TWO DUCKING HOURS. Those sacks are extremely brittle, and they are filled with wet soil and stones — making them heavier than usual. Months ago, I filled those sacks with soil and rubble under orders. Today, for no reason at all, they ducking randomly decided to make me lift all those sacks embrittled and made heavier by countless winds and rain.
They could have at least gave me preparation time or told me in advance. They could have made me do it in the early morning when no one's looking and the sun doesn't burn. They could have made me do it weeks earlier when the sacks are still durable. But no — I had to ducking endure such public execution outside everyone is looking. I can still remember the feeling when my fingers felt like they are about to fall off as if I'm mountain climbing, hanging on a narrow ledge for dear life. There's this one sack that's way too ducking heavy that all my fingers were screaming in pain and fatigue. There was only two thoughts in my mind the whole time "I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm really going to die today" and "Then shut the duck up and die quietly".
Such an experience serves as a grim reminder of my position in the world — a slave of society, doomed to work and die for someone else's profit. It was terrible, but what can I do? It's just another normal day for me, to spontaneously suffer unthinkable pain for no reason at least twice a week, with neither preparation nor rewards.
I have noticed that one of the things that my non-existent readers love are the random bits of helpful and practical advice scattered across my articles. For this chapter, there'll be a lot.
Since we're here, I might as well tell you about my newly formatted phone. After all, I have no one to talk with except my own non-existent readers. To make things new, I decided to use a different browser and search engine than before. IceRaven is the edgy counterpart of Firefox, which is said to be more secure and fast than firefox. Kagi search engine seems to be getting more popular among internet users, especially for its fast results and modern features for a fair price. I just learned that I'm using the trial version with 100 searches per month and it's usually a paid search engine. I guess I'll try Yandex later, which is said to promote an uncensored and unfiltered web.
Getting a private DNS is important if you want to access websites with geoblocking without using any VPN, so this time I used a system-wide Quad9 DNS for my phone, which is said to be very secure. Ah I'm using multiple wallpapers at once too, using auto change wallpaper apps in the playstore. For the lockscreen, I have starry wallpapers. For the home screen, I have edgy (chained demon, heavy armored knight) or isolation wallpapers (forests, ruins, etc.)
Let me give you some important piece of advice if you want to factory reset your phone someday. Aside from writing a list of apps you will need to install and backing up your cryptocurrency, you'll need to backup your contacts, important pictures, and necessary documents somehow, you can use google backup for that. To help you remember your passwords and accounts, you can install Dashlane from the playstore which saves your accounts to the cloud. You must double check the accounts you use regularly to see if you can still remember your login emails and password, especially if they are newly created niche alt accounts which are twice likely to be lost after factory reset.
Check if the games you play has automatic cloud save, there are a lot of games that require manual saving and secondary registration for them to save across devices. If you have not set a recovery email and phone for your most used accounts, do it now. For me, I chain my main email accounts together by using the other as recovery emails. Although you will feel very lazy to do these things and very excited to factory reset your phone right away when the time comes, you will save yourself a lot of stress and regrets if you prepare properly.
Ah, and don't forget to write down the wifi password of your place before resetting, your phone will forget all wifi connections you have, and you will need wifi after factory reset. If you're using double alarms to get alarms while your phone is shut down, make sure that you have secure start up disabled — go to settings, security, lockscreen, password/pin, and press "no" when it asks you to enable secure start up. If you don't want to enter your password twice before using your phone, you would want to disable secure start up; it only gives you two lockscreens instead of one.
I hope that helps, thanks for reading.
So I've been reading this manwha called "True Education", which the main character beats bad students and teachers. It's very repetitive, yet somehow satisfying. I've noticed the main patterns of the story: start with a rage bait, then serve a delicious meal of justice. I can't believe how satisfying it is to see justice delivered against evil, the feeling of moral superiority — it disgusts me, it makes me vomit. It reminds me of the few times in life where I got angry, where I felt extremely elated and justified in everything I do, that I was so happy to harm someone in the name of justice. It was totally horrifying. It wasn't justice at all, it was simply a way to make myself feel better at the expense of others.
There are so many rage baits in society. Now I understand why it appears as an important tool for politicians and journalists. Humans always have the intense craving for justice, of giving someone the taste of their own medicine, which may appear as righteous punishment at best and cold revenge at worst. Not that I'm any different from them, since I also enjoyed reading that manwha for dozens of chapters.
There's the rage bait against billionaires, an easy target to blame for poverty, easy to imagine that all of them are enjoying seeing people in poverty while they sleep on a bed of cash. There's the rage bait against men, who have always oppressed women for thousands of years, easy to think that they're all creepy bastards who want your body. There's the rage bait against women, who, for seemingly no reason, appear to reject you and everyone on the first attempt, block you on the second attempt, and blame you for the all oppression they have experienced from men. There's the rage bait against parents, whose parenting methods have always seemed so imperfect and ineffective that they're easily blamed for your flaws and weaknesses. Then there's the rage bait against society itself, which seemed to have created the hell you're living in, as if it's intent on turning you into a mindless slave no matter what.
It is so easy to be angry, so satisfying to be correct, so great to prove everyone wrong. This is such a repetitive pattern that I have to question and analyze it. Is it really fun? Is it really worth it? Now that I've seen it repeated ten thousand times within a short amount of time, I can see that it's just like everything else — empty and void.
Them: Why are you not angry?
Me: Why would I? As someone who understands life, someone who understands people, I cannot feel angry. I can only feel pity. They deserve better.
I have seen that most minorities just want the same thing as everyone else — to have a basic friend, experience intimacy, and be happy. Then it might be that I'm a minority among minorities, an outcast among outcasts. Instead of being happy, I am curious whether other people can see what I am seeing. That's why, I've always joined servers looking for smart people. That's why I've always joined free seminars and workshops looking for interesting people. There's one question I would love to ask them all: Can you see what I see?
They don't. No one does. Or perhaps it's too early to conclude. No, I'm not seeing ghosts. It's something deeper than that. Most mainstream people looks like they can only see trends and pop media. Most women seems like they can only see whether others are vulnerable enough to be their friend, confident enough to be their partner, or weird enough to be their enemy. Most supposedly intelligent people looks like they can only see logical patterns, linguistic nuance, and fancy scientific terms. Can you see? Can you see the ten thousand paths laid in front of you? Can you see the essence of any given situation with regard to the context of past history and future possibilities? Can you see people for who they truly are, without committing the fundamental attribution error?
I am always bothered by the things that only I seems to see. Or maybe others actually see them too but just ignores them? I don't know, I'll never know. What I have seen has always tormented me because everytime I see, it makes me feel as if I'm responsible, as if I should do something about it, as the only person who can see. If I pretend not to see, I can comfortably live my life in helplessness and isolation. But it's difficult, it's difficult to ignore what you are seeing in front of you, no matter how much you convince yourself that it might just be a hallucination or something. Seeing makes me feel as if I'm not so helpless after all, as if I can always change my life whenever I want to, as if I can always change this world if I ever wanted to. If I can only find other people who can see, I'll be so relieved and think to myself "Ah, I guess I'm not responsible after all. Since you're someone who can see, you're the one responsible for that, not me. HAHAHAHA."
One of the most tragic things in the world is that no matter how good of a person you are, even if you are called saint by everyone else, if you make a smallest mistake, you're going to get rekt. Therefore, I must always live in a constant fear — if everyone found out the slightest bit of lemonic energy from me, I'll lose my head in an instant. It's okay, my non-existent readers, I trust you enough that I wouldn't mind dying in your hands. I don't think I'll lose my head if I actually became a fully fledged lemon though since I'll be overpowered enough that I wouldn't bother caring about the opinions of people that I don't even know.
I'm a good person but I just need a constant supply of blood and chaos to awaken my full potential. Without blood and chaos, I'll never live a proper life, much less become a saint. But if I can receive enough blood and chaos everyday, I can become the greatest saint in the world. Must be nice to live normally without feeling an insatiable craving for blood and chaos, I envy you, take my eyes too.
I've already had enough of rage baits. I've already had enough of pitying for my life. My spirit guide tells me I should just stay put and chill, endure everything with my lemonic tenacity, until the time where I have enough money to legally acquire blood to drink and chaos to eat. Maybe some miracle would happen where I would actually do something about the things I see. Nah, that would be cringe.
Another thing I noticed is that I seem to be easily rage baited when online people seem to give to tiny efforts at conversation and keeps being suspicious of me while I try my best to give them the benefit of the doubt and give the most expressive responses I can. You know, I studied how to converse with online people for several years so I can keep up with them. However, after I became a master in online chatting, online people can't seem to keep with me, they won't even spare an effort in replying. And that's really annoying. Why did I even studied online conversations for many years if no one gives a sheep? Why are they trying so hard to craft the dumbest and shortest response they can give? It's a blatant mockery of all my years of studying and observation that I can't help but be annoyed.
Still, I will not be rage baited. I will not lose my benefit of the doubt. I will not stop trusting people just because a few thousand humans are not trustworthy. Call it naive if you want but I'm not going to go down with just a few thousand stabs in the heart. It doesn't matter how isolated am I or how ducked up my life is. I will keep believing in humanity.
Because I am their Emperor.
I woke up this morning with all my limbs aching of muscle pain, even when I didn't do any particular difficult work yesterday. The pimple on my nose keeps growing darker and larger. My charger back then was only around 30%, which was easily drained in just two hours. Now, it takes 5 hours to charge my phone instead of 3. It used to take only about 2 hours to charge when I first bought it. Last week, it takes 3 hours to charge. Looks like I'll have to repair my phone's charging battery for the nth time or maybe I can just ask my parents for a new phone, which I'm not shameless enough to do.
It was also the first day of class, which was so stressful, even though it's just an online class. There's a face to face class that I didn't expect, the japanese elective subject, so I wasn't able to attend it. I think I'll enjoy this class, it's always face to face classes and teaches something new.
That aside, today was extremely painful. The insanity that came from the constant muscle pain, annoying online class, weakening phone charge, and scrolling in social media made me feel like my entire body is breaking apart. I was literally losing my mind that I imagined about the most gruesome deaths in ten thousand different ways. Mentally, it felt like my brain was melting, leaking from my ears, nose, and eyes; my face full of wet holes where maggots freely crawl; my rotten limbs burning so intensely, all the while I'm confined in a dark ancient prison underground in the desert — unable to leave the world because of my cursed immortality.
It wasn't all that bad. When I was going to the second floor to meditate and chill, I saw a familiar looking cat, highly similar to the cat I had before but escaped. It looks smaller but I recognized its dark orange fur. It's the first time I saw this cat in my neighborhood, the similar cat I saw was years ago. Interestingly, the cat allowed me to get close and give it headpats. I was able to feel the vibrations of the cat so easily with my hands, on other cats, I only feel their vibrations if they're sitting on my lap. It was a very strange experience because normally, a cat I haven't seen before is highly wary of strangers and refuses headpats. For some reason, the small cat was able to sense the aggressive big cat that roams around the neighborhood and it's coming to see the small cat few minutes away, so it was able to escape without being seen. I'm probably crazy but when the small cat was leaving, it kept looking back at me while meowing, as if it's trying to say something like "the big cat is coming, I'll have to leave. I'll see you tomorrow." If I kiss the cat, will it turn into a catgirl? Forget that I said that.
I have observed that the greater emptiness a person feels, the more they'll be inclined to hunt, just as how a hungry person will be more inclined to do everything it takes to find food. It is not easy to suppress the pangs of hunger and thirst, nor restrain a hungry drooling beast. It's a phenomenon you can easily see in the internet, where thousands of beasts drool together and attempt to satisfy their thirst using pictures. Now that humans in the living world have an easy way to satisfy their hunger and thirst, they found themselves hungry and thirsty in a different way, craving different things. Unable to satisfy their hunger, they become victims of overconsumption, eating anything they can, and if there's nothing left to eat, they eat themselves.
This new chapter is way too short, it makes me sad. I feel as if I have disappointed my non-existent readers, I'm sorry.
I don't even remember the last time I wrote an article, it's been way too long. Still, this day was deadly and brutal enough that I absolutely have to write it as another chapter in the book of despair. I think that I have made a great mistake that would affect the rest of my school life.
The problem is, I was showing my excitement and interest too openly while they don't seem to care nor reciprocate at all. Yet I kept trying, why? I don't know, I have simply thought that since my rational mind was out of commission and my gut has taken control, I might as well do something crazy and stupid where I think I'm right, just so I can learn from it and prove myself wrong, yet I'll be happy in the off chance that it might actually succeed. Spoiler alert: it didn't succeed. It failed in the saddest way possible, reenacting the ten thousand times I failed in this same situation, despite having done everything I can and went outside my comfort zone.
Still, deep inside, I knew I got everything I wanted. I managed to say what I want, I was able to calmly inform people of their mistakes, and I was able to gently ask for consent for the first time. It's a new experience, and every new experience, regardless how annoying or tragic, is a win. No, it's not what you're thinking, I didn't do anything too spicy like what you're imagining right now. Actually, what I did was too innocent, too simple and naive, that if you were to know it you would laugh how stupid I am to overreact and become dramatic over it. Well, you're probably right, I was indeed incredibly stupid.
If there's a word that can perfectly describe what I have done, it's "clown". I have never felt like a complete clown in real life before. I can't believe I gave too much effort for nothing. I guess this is what happens when you live in your head and expect everything in real life to go according to your daydreams. I knew it would happen but I was still surprised, I cannot believe how something so simple would be met with such an adverse reaction. It's as if I was experimenting with household powders and liquids, they don't look threatening at all but when I put them together, they exploded in my face. The explosion was severe enough that my eyeballs popped out and my face became completely deformed.
It's nothing new, I have always known that associating myself with humans have always been painful. They didn't do anything wrong, I was just clowning around. I can't even offer myself comfort by saying that I did the right thing because I wasn't really in the position to succeed, nor is it right for me to be so dejected because their reaction is completely normal, according to society's standards. I can only amuse myself thinking that they have a new fun story to tell their friends, the story of how a clown made a stupid joke in front of them. Oh how I wish I can turn myself inside out and see my own blood and flesh. I would love to nod so intensely that chunks of my brain falls out.
It's going to take me quite a while to recover from this. Looks like I won't be associating myself with any human being for at least an entire month. I'll just keep telling myself that if I wait for a few more years, I'll be rich enough to rent or buy humans without needing to put my blood and flesh on the line. If only my emotional pain tolerance is as high as my physical pain tolerance, then I would not need to recover for so long before committing another grave mistake.
As you already know, I'm an autistic human, I can never understand social bullsheeps unless I do something crazy, make an unforgettable mistake, and learn from it. I can never see the line unless I cross the line first and get destroyed for it. If I want to understand all social mysteries, I'll have to be a crazy person once more and do crazier things. The social knowledge that most humans are naturally born with, I will have to pay for it with my blood.
I took too much damage in less than an hour, that I wanted to spend the rest of my day resting and chilling. Unfortunately, the world decided to make me slaughter, remove the feathers, and bury the grotesque parts of three chickens and two turkeys the moment I arrived home. I'm getting used to it but it's still a terrible experience everytime. Why can't we just buy some industrial machine that automatically kills and remove the feathers of chicken? If that's not possible, why can't we just buy a simple tool that easily kills the chickens and removes their blood without their corpse shaking violently with the blood splattering everywhere? Relying too much on traditional bullsheeps makes me so annoyed, especially if the old practices causes more pain and annoyance than necessary.
That's not all, for some reason I keep getting interrupted in my rest and made to do ten thousand house chores. Usually, I only get interrupted a few times but today I got interrupted for so many times that I lost count! I just wanted to ducking rest, to recover from the shattering rejection I experienced in the morning. But no, they would rather enjoy their time seeing me do whatever they say like a mindless slave! One effective way to strip the dignity and humanity of someone is to force them to do whatever you say, without any reward or appreciation.
Indeed, I died countless times today. If I didn't take that afternoon nap, I might have gone insane. The exams are only a few days away and I haven't studied anything. There's an annoying family reunion tomorrow, I wonder if I'll meet that person again. Nah, I don't care anymore, I don't want to be with humans anymore. With my savant psychological eyes, I can easily understand people but they'll never understand me. Those who define the world with rules and norms cannot understand those who live outside of them.
Tomorrow, if those reunion duckers try to make me do something crazy by paying me money, I'm not going to do it. No, I am not going to dance on the stage for a few dollars again. They told me before I should smile more because I look too serious, no I'm not going to smile just to make some annoying people a little happy. As much as possible, I'll spend that entire reunion taking a nap or using my phone. Maybe I'll memorize japanese numbers or check my image to do list while I'm there.
So today, my phone can't enable wifi anymore and I told my parents in hopes of fixing it. They didn't agree to send it to the service center instead they kept waking me up and taking my phone to do random fixes on it. What's worse is that I already factory reset the phone but it still didn't work. These bad things that happened made my coughing more intense and I got intense fever for the first time this year and my chronic hives surfaced. So I took a rest and I woke up sweating with hives on my lips, so I have a swollen lower lip now. Right now, I used a heart rate checker built in on my phone so I learned that I have 119 BPM and my head feels uncomfortable.
My parents still don't know anything about chronic stress hives, autism, and anaphylactic shock. Thus, I have neither received any medication or doctor appointments haha
Plus according to most of my experience, if I tell them anything they either dismiss everything I say or overreact to it without actually doing anything good
I'll just go to the service center on my own this Monday And pay for fixing phone with my own money
It hurts. It really hurts. Everything hurts. Everything is itchy. There's no escape, no salvation. I am doomed to be in pain and itch forever. It hurts, it hurts. Why does being awake so painful? Why does existing takes so much agony? I can only endure everything in complete silence while I await for the end of it all.
Time to write! Time to write! Infinite thoughts, flowing words, endless trains. It's time to writeeeeeeeee!
First of all, the hives are annoyingly itchy and painful as always.
I noticed that whenever strangers accidentally make eye contact with each other, they instantly disengage and look away while pretending not to notice each other's existence. I think a book would put it this way "It saddens me that there exists a profound disconnection in our society today, where most social interactions outside of our immediate circle are characterized by fear, anxiety, and apathy." Unfortunately, I'm not writing a book, this is an article, no it's just a random collection of thoughts by a bored person.
These cute chubby itchy bumps on my skin are just way too obsessed with me. What am I supposed to do with them? Although my phone has lost wifi few days ago, I still want to spend most of my time binge reading webtoons and watching YouTube videos. Humans don't lose their ability to think, they lose time for themselves. And when they lose time for themselves, when they become trapped in the endless cycle of labor and distractions, then it would appear as if they have lost the ability to think. Yet if you give them space to be themselves, if you give them time to think, then it would appear as if they have regained the ability to think, but in reality, they have never lost it in the first place
How strange, I had countless things I wanted to write just a few minutes ago. But after so many hives and social media scrolling, I have forgotten them all. I have forgotten what, why, who, and how. I shall walk randomly in the park for a while.
At the very least, I want to slice, slash, cut, and stab. What is making me think that I can't do that in public? What's making me think that I can only do that when I'm finally completely disconnected from society? I just want to slash, and there are no laws banning people from slashing in public. Most people don't even care and even if they do, they won't dare approach someone who is slashing the air like a crazy madman. How can I live my life if I can't even slash? I need to slash just as how I need air to breathe! My arms want to slash and to keep slashing, what can I do about it? I want to be able to close my eyes and slash the air in public anytime I want! No one is stopping me at all, only my thoughts are trying to foolishly stop me. In the end, I am a free being, unstoppable in my choices, vulnerable in my consequences.
It's loud, it's loud. Too much music, too much noise. Those kittens keep trying to go outside the box, especially the white one. The black kitten is trying his best to drag the white kitten back inside the box. Oh no, the black kitten was the first one to escape the box. Good thing it decided to return inside the box. I tried to place the mother cat to the kittens but the mother is not dragging the kittens back inside the box at all. Why the hell does it look like the mother is actually trying to encourage the kittens to go outside the box on their on? If they leave the box, then my parents will get annoyed by them, and they'll be kicked out of the house. They must not leave the box until they're fast enough. Oh... the kittens have left the box. God cannot protect them now.
Ugh it's really loud. My smaller sister below the bunk bed is listening to brainrot with full volume on. Meanwhile, my dad is listening to boomer music in the living room with the maximum speaker on. What madness. This is why my main daydream these days is becoming a strong independent person that does not have to endure anyone's bullsheeps. Everyday, I try my best to convince myself to endure another year in this rotten place but everyday, the world convinces me otherwise. Many people have this same storyline of desperately struggling to leave home and become independent, and that annoys me a little. The mere thought of being the same as them makes me want to turn myself inside out.
My money making plan was ruined, again. After all, making money by consuming an endless pile of sheep, is no different than making money from watching ads. I have a better shot at becoming rich by sending a letter to the billionaires, who would probably never read the letters they receive in the ordinary mailbox.
Bruh I just suddenly had to do the unexpected monthly house renovations. I cannot for the life of me understand why my parents always choose to renovate the house and do outside work only when it is scorching hot under the sun, when they can just wake up early in the morning or before evening to do it. The smaller sister below my bed seems to have anorexia nervosa alongside oppositional defiant disorder. What's worse is that I can see that they are actually the sensitive growth type, people who become stinky depressed without any love and care, but become outrageously overpowered when given enough love and care. I cannot imagine living with my emotions and mental states mostly dependent on the decisions and words of other people. Oh well, it's not their fault. They're just simply unlucky.
Fortunately for me, I have learned to adapt to survive in this terrible place. Thus, I can complete my routines, follow orders, and remain productive despite all the bullsheeps around me, without expecting any form of care, compensation, and understanding. I have accepted that this is my life. But I have not accepted and will never accept that my life will be like this forever. There's an important difference between these two types of acceptance. Accepting your life as is does not necessarily mean you accept that you will live like this forever. It only means that you understand the absurdity of your situation, and make no futile attempts to resist it. I think that many of you mistakenly believe that accepting your own life means giving up your dreams for a better future, but I assure you that is not the case. I know that who I am right now is just a tiny bit of who I will be in the future. And my future situation shall be unthinkably different from the current situation I have now.
I admire the rogue cat in our house, with its high persistence, agility, and carefree attitude, it was able to live and sleep freely in our home despite having no one to adopt or take care of it. It merely feeds on the leftovers, and my dad keeps kicking it out whenever he sees it, yet it keeps returning. It sleeps freely and peacefully in the middle of our bedroom. It does not care about social norms, nor does it feel the need to be conscious about itself. All this cat wants is to sleep without being disturbed by anyone else, eat the leftovers in the kitchen, and take care of her kittens. In all these goals, the cat effortlessly succeeds in doing so. These, my friends, are the pinnacle of freedom. It is freedom because the cat can do whatever it wants within their own biological and psychological limitations. That penguin YouTube video where it wandered off in the snow, had also reached the pinnacle of freedom.
Many will say that penguin is depressed. Some say it is searching for the truth. Others say it is going on an adventure. Many believe that the penguin should not have done that, others believe that the it is only right for the penguin to do it, some simply accepts whatever choice the penguin makes. Who is right? Who is saying the truth? Who is correct? They're not varying degrees of truth but rather equally true perspectives based on speculations and projection. Only you can find your own truth. The best path may lead you to success but only your path can lead you to freedom.
I failed because my happiness is dependent on the quality of my wifi connection and results of my decisions. I failed because my freedom is contingent upon my visibility and anonymity. I failed because my happiness is dependent on the reactions of others, particularly the reactions of government institutions and corporations. I failed because my freedom only exists when I have become completely alone, rich, and powerful.
It's as if I will only become happy if the clouds show my favorite shapes, and if it changes to a different shape ever so slightly, I would be sad. It's as if I will only be free if no mosquito can see me and bite me, otherwise I won't be free.
It's simple, I failed because I am not strong enough.
These endless hives I get that give me perpetual itch and pain, perhaps they are there to make me feel something intense and warm. The pain is ever so intense and the itch creates burning sensations within my skin. Maybe if I can cease my desperate search for feelings and warmth, then my hives would disappear.
Those which seem to come from outside actually emanate from the inside. The voices that often bother us outside actually come from the inside. The union of unconditional happiness and unconditional freedom gives birth to an impenetrable spirit.
Let there be light. Those who have lived in the shadows for too long, let them come out and receive the light.
There are so many conditions. Way too many conditions. It's already extremely difficult to fulfill one of them, much less all of them. Some of them are normal and justifiable, others are irrational and unhealthy. Yet all of them are conditions that prevents me from being happy, free, and warm. Oftentimes, these conditions are mistaken as things that can make me happy, free, and warm yet in fact, they are all hindrances. The more conditions there are, the smaller are the opportunities and the shorter are the times to experience them.
This too, is a condition.
The end goal, no, the process itself is to turn one into a sublime permanent state of being consisting of total acceptance and fluid understanding. To chase after feelings and emotions, or to avoid them, leads to the same thing — the hell of hungry ghosts, a painful game where one is always on the edge and can never be satisfied.
Behold, slow decay of time
Ants crawling all around
Ever condemned to smile
Catching the wind and the waves
Scattered, shattered windows
Ah, the sweet taste of sand
Hm I'm not feeling so well these days. It feels like I only have 5% of my life force left. Endless hives and coughing, as well as more difficulty doing daily tasks. I can't believe getting out of bed feels extremely difficult, when it was so natural to me before. I'm not endlessly coughing that visibly, I'm able to suppress this by my spiritual force. Still, spiritual force alone doesn't seem to be enough in making me feel better. My throat feels dry every 10 minutes after I drink water. Following my routine feels highly difficult, my mind and body seems to be more oriented to relief-seeking and distracting behaviors. My muscles scream in pain even when doing simple lifting tasks that I've always done. I've never felt this terrible before, I wonder what's causing this.
I still have the reporting homework that I have to complete this week. I need to find a way to somehow get myself together. Well, I guess I'll manage it somehow. I'm currently in the Mantra night session where I walked 1.5 kilometers in real life just to sit down and listen to religious music while chanting something with strangers. I had to convince my lethargic self for ten minutes just to get out of the bed and walk here. My throat feels dry again. Maybe I should have brought some water. I have to remain conscious, awake, and strong to prevent myself from endlessly coughing in this relaxing room.
I have to write more, I want to write more. But my mind is completely focused on trying to survive and stay alive...
I had a daydream. My body just fainted while I was doing routine house chores. When I woke up, I felt extremely sick and weak. Still, I have enough spiritual force to get out of the bed and go to the toilet. At some point, I felt like my end was getting so close that I used the last bit of my life force to leave the house unnoticed and wandered to nowhere, finding an empty and desolate place where I made my last breath. Sounds like a poetic way to end the story. Hopefully, it won't come to that.
Let's see, I wonder what made me like this. I'm not so sure to be honest. Everything has always been the same, nothing changed much, so I can't tell the exact reason why I feel like this. It's true that I've been reading webtoons and playing a lot of games lately but I've always done that before and I didn't get sick. So what happened this time? Perhaps it's exactly because that everything is the same that I have become like this. Maybe it's that difficult reporting where I'm the only person without a partner that became the final straw that broke the camels back. It's actually just normal though, I've always been alone and never had partners or groupmates in school. I don't think it's that bad.
I'm sure everything will be fine always. Even if I'm completely alone in this world, my willpower and spiritual force alone will ensure my survival. Maybe it's just one of those depressive episodes, and it's not really not that bad except it feels a little worse than usual. I don't really mind if the story ends, I just don't want it to be a very slow and excruciating ending. I hope that going to this Mantra night will make me feel relaxed and more healthy. I meditated for 30 minutes this morning while my entire body was covered in hives, so it's really strange that it didn't significantly change my condition.
I am not lonely, I'm just alone, like I have always been. I've always thought and still think that it's okay and normal to be alone because humans are fundamentally alone in a metaphysical way. So I don't think being alone has terrible effects on my mental health. I refuse to believe that being alone for long periods of time will make me feel sick. I don't believe that just being autistic means I'll have to feel terrible. I am fine and strong on my own, I don't need anyone else, though I do acknowledge that I want them. However, to want is different than to need. That means I'm okay even without others.
I felt really sick today so I felt like sleeping all day long. Everytime I cough, it feels so painful like my ribs are going to break. Fortunately, there are no online classes. Unfortunately, I had to attend a parent teacher meeting in my condition. I can't even muster the energy to wash dishes but I'm supposed to attend the meeting? Needless to say, I am here now. I haven't even taken a bath since yesterday. My body is screaming for more sleep. Just what kind of parents would send their disabled and sick child to attend their youngest daughter's parent teacher's meeting? They already know I'm disabled but they don't know that I'm sick. Even if they knew, I doubt anything much would happen. Besides, I have spiritual force to give me enough energy to complete mandatory tasks while sick.
My rate of healing feels extremely slow this time. Coughing, sneezing, hives, muscle pain, weakness and fatigue. When I woke up in the morning, I realized I have 5% life force left. When I took morning nap for two hours, I gained another 5% life force. Right now, I'm barely holding on with 12% of my life force remaining. Despite that, I maintain the appearance and energy of a healthy person using my spiritual force.
Hm I must say this teacher is quite nice and considerate, while maintaining enough confidence and strength in their voice. But still, the systemic enforcement of uniformity and suppression of individuality doesn't look too good. I think it would be much cooler if the students can use their own clothes, while the school gives optional choices for students to get their own crafted and personalized uniform, something much cooler and cheaper than any clothes found outside. I think clothes that expressively show individuality while subtly showing collectivity is the most fabulous drip. That would be the coolest school ever.
Ugh I don't want to play games anymore. I don't want to read webtoons and manhuas. I just want to sleep and dream. When I go home, I'll use this momentum to wash the dishes as well as take a bath, before falling asleep until morning. I should be able to get 20-30% of my life force when I wake up tomorrow. Afterwards, I'll complete the homework and take more sleep until online class. Then I'll sleep all day long again until I recovered 50% of my life force. Ah sheep, mucus is unintentionally falling out of my nose. I need to mainrain
When I visualize my current condition, I can see my entire skin melting and becoming more stretchy. My eyeballs are falling out but still holding on. My nose is red and swelling very large. My neck and throat is exposed and smoking. The figure is shaking but still standing.
Woah this is crazy. While taking a bath, I realized that 50% of my body's surface area is now covered in hives! This is such a great achievement, something that has never happened before. The amount of pain and itch I experience per second is just insane! It feels like my skin, my entire skin has a completely different texture now! I wonder what will happen if I managed to reach 100%? Well that's for me to find out. Btw I composed a new song while washing dishes today.
Regardless, life must go on
Regardless, regardless, life must go on
Regardless, life must be go on and on and on
Life must go on
Regardless regardless regardless life must go on and on and on
Regardless, life must go on
Regardless, regardless, life must go on
Regardless, life must be go on and on and on
Life must go on
Regardless regardless regardless life must go on and on and on
Regardless, life must go on
Regardless, regardless, life must go on
Regardless, life must be go on and on and on
Life must go on
Regardless regardless regardless life must go on and on and on
Regardless, life must go on
Regardless, regardless, life must go on
Regardless, life must be go on and on and on
Life must go on
Regardless regardless regardless life must go on and on and on
Regardless, life must go on
Regardless, regardless, life must go on
Regardless, life must be go on and on and on
Life must go on
Regardless regardless regardless life must go on and on and on
Regardless, life must go on
Regardless, regardless, life must go on
Regardless, life must be go on and on and on
Life must go on
Regardless regardless regardless life must go on and on and on
Regardless, life must go on
It hurts. It hurts too much. I tried my best but failed. I began with the truth but I wasn't able to carry it to the fullest. I apologized. I want to apologize more. I apologized ten million times in my mind. I am really sorry. But my apology does not erase my incompetence. It does not change the past. Why is it that they said that they don't want to cut bridges, so I forgave them, yet stabbed me with the sword of the void?
Because I was the one who decided to forgive, I took responsibility. So I expected, I waited, I endured the countless hallucinations and torment of insecurity. Nothing happened. Thus I looked back and saw a void sword lodged within my chest. I didn't know how long it's been there. But it's a relief. I'm glad. I'm happy that I don't have to wait anymore. It feels like I've been the seeker in a hide and seek game, and I've been searching for them almost a day, and I am so relieved and happy to see that they have already returned home. Haha how naive and stupid of me. But it was necessary. I was the one who forgave. And it seems, I was wrong to do so.
This is what happens to any scientist who try to keep a failed specimen alive after a failed experiment. It's a socio-emotional biological hazard. It was not their fault. They do not have any obligation to be nice or stay in the game. They do not have to be constrained by my expectations. But why do I feel pain? Is this how it feels to be betrayed? To be frank, it cannot be really called a betrayal. They don't see it as a betrayal. Maybe their parents just called them so they have to go home without informing me. I was the one who was too stupid to believe, to keep playing the game not knowing that everyone else already left. I was still trying to find them so I can comfort them and correct my mistakes, not knowing they have already left.
Perhaps what I'm really sad about is my inability to correct my mistakes, that the mistakes I made that day will be etched in our bones forever. I don't mind getting harmed but for others to be included in my incompetence is something I cannot tolerate. Alas, they have already went home. And now I must feel incredibly stupid for the rest of my life. They're really not that important to me, they're just a failed specimen. I, too, find it strange that I'm thinking too much for a specimen. I believe it is because I forgave, and for their subsequent actions, I must take responsibility. This pain, is also something I am responsible for.
Why did I forgive? Because I saw myself in them. I was just like them. And because it is also new. I haven't forgiven anyone before. Until now, there has never been a time where I didn't properly dispose of the specimen after an experiment. I like new things so I did it. I forgave them because it's something I haven't done before. And I learned my lesson. If I were to go back time, I would still forgive them, just so I can learn this lesson.
To be honest, they were not entirely at fault. I was at fault too, for being incompetent and cold, albeit less than them. As someone born and raised in the cold of the south, my body and eyes have the energy of winter. When, I look at the world and everyone else, I see them using a distant lens that makes it appear as if the near object is very far away. People may not be able to consciously recognize it but they are able to unconsciously pick it up and keep the same distance away from me. That's me, always appearing distant and cold even if I try my best to be as close and nice as possible. I was able to break through my limits twice. I was so close to be able to create fire. But it was too late. They have already frozen.
I looked at myself in the mirror today and saw something I cannot fully describe. I saw a mutilated and decapitated figure drenched in its own blood. They have so many scratches in their body that are still bleeding. It looks like their entire hair has fallen off from scratching. Their head, although already decapitated, can be heard saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really am." How pitiful, I wonder what made them like this. It's a good thing I am not like them.
I'm tired boss.
I haven't got any full length sleep in weeks. I haven't written an article in forever. My school schedule is kinda cursed. To think I got online classes at exactly the time where I would take my morning nap. Thus, I never get to take my morning nap these days. Not to mention, the teachers for my online classes are all extremely strict and competitive — one of the most annoying types of teachers that combines both boring classes with highly difficult homework. Just thinking about the four hour online class in the morning tomorrow gives me goosebumps. I'm not reading any ebooks too, so I often spend most of my time scrolling in social media, draining me even more.
Instead of taking a long afternoon nap in the afternoon, I end up playing Roblox and reading webtoons until my phone battery dies. It seems I cannot muster any form of self-control and willpower to actually get a complete afternoon nap. I was only able to become sober enough this time to write an article because I took a disappointing afternoon nap that happened after my phone battery ran out.
I even tried to make online money these days, but the entry requirements and quizzes are so difficult too. They're exhausting. So I tried a less exhausting way to make money — buying crypto memecoins. I did a lot of research and observation. In the end, my $10 turned to $1 in just two days. Those damn fees are too high, I can't believe it. Even my face is getting cluttered with more acne than usual. How annoying.
I don't want to acknowledge it, but I'm indeed completely cooked from all sides. I failed. And my prefrontal cortex seems to be getting weaker. Even washing the dishes, which I used to do so easily, now felt difficult to start. I wonder if this is one of the symptoms of ASD — extreme difficulty in switching tasks. I usually don't have this problem though.
Duck, why the hell all those paragraphs above started in the letter "I"? There is no variety at all. Right, I seem to be encountering some difficulties with higher level cognitive tasks like unique sentence articulation, creative imagination, and insightful thinking that I used to do on a daily basis. This makes me wonder if my neurochemicals are doing okay.
This cycle, yes this cursed cycle must end. It must end today. I will not let it continue tomorrow any longer. Woah, I suddenly felt weakness on my right elbow for no reason. I wonder what this could mean. All my thinking these days has been reduced to two primary things: stimulation and sleep. Perhaps it's the classic case of fatigue where the person doesn't know if what they need is stimulation or sleep, so they often choose the former because of indecision.
I want to write more. I want to think more. But... I'm gone. Good night.
I thought meditating like crazy while contorting my body, praying, and scratching the floor is enough for me to regain my clarity. But no, I still lost my mind for two hours instead of taking a nap. And now it took me 3 hours later than usual to wash the afternoon dishes. My hands are extremely itchy, the bumps and sores are increasing like crazy. Is this happening because I'm resisting the chaos within me, so now it's tearing my skin apart? Perhaps every sore and itch are the physical manifestations of the beast clawing through the walls of its jail just to get out.
Ah it hurts, it itches! I can't think of anything else!! I can't do anything else that doesn't involve playing games or watching anime!! Ah duck. My right hand is not just itching, it's lowkey bleeding. It's shedding the skin so violently...
Just like how birth cannot be separated from living, death cannot be separated from dying. How long does it take for people to die? A few minutes of no oxygen? A few hours of bleeding? Several days after an acute stroke? Several months of terminal illness? No, the act of dying can be just as lengthy as the act of living. You may think people are only dying when they're motionless on a hospital bed or when they are bleeding in a battlefield, but I disagree. The process of dying can start much, much earlier than you think.
For example, my grandma died from years of total isolation and neglect. We found her barely alive in a poop-stained and pee-stained broken bed after we arrived at her home using a passenger ship. We took care of her for several months before her body finally gave up. She was already dying long ago, yet she clung to life just to meet us one last time. Likewise, people with chronic stress and illnesses may seem alive when they're working, yet their body and mind is already in the process of decay. Although their actual death may take place a few decades later, they are already dying. Just people can still work and do house chores, does not mean they are living. Maybe they're already in the process of dying and you'll never know.
As you might have already guessed, dying is not just physical, it is also psychological. Humans may have dying bodies yet their mind are more alive and brilliant than ever. Likewise, they may have healthy bodies yet their mind has already surrendered to the cold touch of death and decay. I've read some books about concentration camps. The author said that what matters the most in survival is maintaining hope, of a strong belief in the future. Those who have lost all hope are called the Muselmänner, they have lost all the light in their eyes and does not care how much they are beaten. Some of them wake up one day without moving a muscle, they simply poop and pee on their beds, and they die on their beds within that same day.
The pain and itch I experience cannot compare to a tenth of the suffering of those who have experienced living in concentration camps. Their shoes are broken, their feet are infected, their bodies are thin and sore, and the pangs of hunger consume every thought within their mind. Yet some of then didn't give up. They kept on living even as their bodies were dying. They wrote poems and articles on toilet papers and the ground.
And so just like them, I shall keep on living. I will keep on believing. For a cherished past and a beautiful future.
Not good...
I always have a lot of pimples on my face, it's normal. Then I got similar sores on my chest too. Then on my arms. In these past several months, they have erupted from my butt to cover both of my hips. They're also sprouting on my hands and fingers too. They're extremely itchy and painful. They show no signs of recovering or improving at all. I have always believed myself to have a natural recovery skill. However, my rate of decay seems to have equaled, if not surpassed my recovery rate. Everytime I take a bath, the itch and pain explodes. At random moments in my life, the itch and pain explodes.
These days, I have noticed that I'm getting a lot of random wounds in my body. However, upon closer inspection, they don't seem to be random at all, rather they seem to wounds gained from unconsciously scratching.
Extreme pain, extreme itch. I don't want to admit it, but also extreme isolation and extreme alienation. Now that school is almost over, there's no more fear and academic pressure to keep me disciplined. So I'm often sleeping at midnight and playing games all day long. It hurts so much. My online friends are slowly disappearing because of my inactivity and lack of enthusiasm. My servers are turning into cemeteries from my inactivity as the server owner.
The situation seems a little bit bad? I'll probably return to normal when classes comes back.
The itches have gotten worse. The scaly red patches all over my hips have stopped being just itchy and mutated to something sensitive and painful. The back of my right hand is starting to get bumpy and itchy too, I didn't know that brushing it with my beard would irritate it.
I'm too addicted with Shadow Slave webnovel. The spirit of laziness and procrastination have possessed me, that I have even forgotten to cook rice this morning and work on my thesis report. I can't believe that it has reached the point that I'm even procrastinating on playing my favorite mobile game. Is this what they call executive dysfunction? Am I stressed? Is it happening because of stress? Is it because I'm stress that I'm becoming lazy, is it because of laziness that I'm becoming stressed, or is it because I'm addicted that I'm becoming lazy?
My intelligence, attention, and awareness levels have dropped. I feel like I'm in a mental hex of a powerful nightmare creature, a corrupted tyrant at that. I even forgot to take a bath today, I feel like a rotting corpse now. I can't even take responsibility for my online friends anymore and reply to them in a timely manner. If my past self from three years ago saw this, they would have written a 3000-word article resolving all the issues and proposing an incredibly detailed and realistic solution to the problem.
What happened to my routine, to my self-improvement goals, to my daily naps, and to my proper sleeping schedule? They have disappeared, all of them have slipped out of my hands so helplessly. How can this be? How can a very disciplined and diligent person like me, suddenly end up this way? I think I was still doing well 5 months ago.... So how? Why am I now turning into a rotting corpse?
Is this... how far I'll go? Is this my limit? Impossible!! The pull of my future selves should have been strong enough to hard carry the present to the treasure room. I have always told myself that I cannot fall, I must not fall, because there will be nothing catching me when I do. There are no retries, no spawn points, no save points, no healer, and no priest to ressurect this character. Now that I think about it, falling doesn't seem too bad. I barely did anything productive today and yet I am so so tired.
I still remember my 5 year old self, harboring an earth-shattering rage within their heart. It is that rage that caused me to think, think, and think, and then to write, write, and write. Have I ran out of rage? Or have I simply accepted, resigned myself to this pitiful fate?
Don't worry, I'm still able to reply to a single online friend properly. Plus I was able to wash the dishes on time, as well as work on my thesis report before the day ended. I may not be as strong as Sunless but it would also take a lot to bring me down.
In the end, it's all comes down to a single question.
Can I accept this fate?
You stupid fucking pathetic bastard. What the fuck do you think you're doing? Why the fuck are you being so clingy? It's disgusting. Do you really think she cares about you? Lmao I'm pretty sure she just pities you. After all, if you're being so childish, why expect to be treated as anything else other than a child? You stupid fucking fool. You already know she doesn't care about you, that she's only using you as a past time. How long are you going to make a fool of yourself? Where the fuck is that PRIDE you are so proud of?!
If you want to atone to this stupidity, you better fucking sleep early today and wake up tomorrow. Meditate on your bed and get yourself prepared.
It's been so many years, why the hell are you still acting like a stupid child, huh? Just because you're autistic you get to be childish? Just because your childhood is shit you get to be childish? GET YOURSELF TOGETHER. They do not fucking care about you, not even a single bit. Don't even cling to the stupid hope that things will get better. IT. WILL. NOT.
If you want to change something, start with yourself. There is only you, you, and you. NOTHING ELSE, NO ONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD MATTERS. If you can't stop thinking about someone else, then I will annihilate those thoughts for you.
For the love of god, please stop being so fucking pathetic. You're intelligent aren't you? Then why the fuck are you being so retarded? Why are you so addicted to asymmetrical relationships? I have never seen anyone more foolish than you.
GET UP. No one is coming to save you. No one will ever hear you. HEAR YOURSELF, SAVE YOURSELF, AND STARE AT YOURSELF UNTIL GO INSANE. THIS IS HOW WE CAN LIVE. NO, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR US TO LIVE.
WE LIVE IN A CRUEL WORLD. THE ONLY WAY WE CAN SURVIVE IS TO BE MORE CRUEL THAN THE WORLD ITSELF.
The problem of presentation is disgusting. Someday I shall dress myself as one who looks like the ugliest and most vile person in the world and also the kindest and most generous.
The problem of words is disgusting. Someday I shall interview tens of thousands of people, compiling all their conversation and chatting history into a comprehensive walkthrough book to socialization, such that even the most braindead person can sound eloquent and attractive by following the book.
The problem of authenticity is disgusting. But I don't need to resolve it, someone already did. The advent of artificial technology has made everything so easy to fake, and thus people have no choice but to be more sensitive and appreciative of the ugly truths.
Today, I woke up early, took a walk outside, and then did some intense workout.
I also took a proper afternoon nap in time.
I'll maintain this pace from now on.
Keep up.
I told you, my boiling rage will burn all forms of distraction. It will annihilate every strand of weakness. After all...
MY RAGE IS UNFATHOMABLE AND MY WILL IS ABSOLUTE.
March 17
Absolute, devastating, and overwhelming defeat in all fields, in all aspects, in all games, and all situations.
I failed so terribly. So miserably. So laughably. I've worked so hard and reached so far but I'm still incompetent at the end. Can't speak. Can't defend. Still, always, relying on luck. I was disciplined. I was determined. I was... strong. But now, now I can't even take a nap. I can't even remember. I can't even sleep early. I can't think. I can't plan. I can't follow. I can't meditate. I can't.. do anything. Can't even finish this article. Can't finish what I started.
My reaction time is too slow. My social skills, too terrible. My time management skills out of the window. My emotional regulation system dumped into the trash. What an absolute failure and loser I turned out to be.
That fucking research adviser abandoned us. Other groups have reached far and beyond. Yet this fucker ghosted us, expecting us to move on our own, submit revisions on our own, ask questions on our own. Figure things out on our own while their presence is virtually non-existent.
That technical skills manager fucking forgot about me. I submitted all documents and paid a huge amount, telling me to wait for a few days to add me to their group chat. And now over a fucking week has passed and there's no news. Is it also my fucking job to remind them about my existence?
Thinking about them makes me want to scratch my hair until it bleeds. Shit. Fuck them. And what's up with the next step in research? Validate my shit to some random fucker in school, printing stupid letters I don't know, and even fucking buying them expensive food just for a chance to make them glance at my pile of bullshit?
Damn ir. Damn it all. Aaaaaaaaaaaàaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I want to. I want to stop. I want to activate the emergency protocols. But I haven't been pushed far enough. There's still no plausible deniability, no justification. I should get myself addicted to something for an entire year so that a year should pass by in a flash. Skill issue. This is all my skill issue. I have to git gud. But I'm too weak for that, 4 anything. Tis si itvhy
March 28, 2026
FUCK IT. FUCK THIS. FUCK EVERYTHING. This goddamed thesis adviser fucking abandoned us after the first defense and only said one vague thing WITHOUT ANY CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS?!
"Gud afty, dear advisees! Please be informed that the submission of your final manuscript will be after holy week. Please double time and put extra efforts in your paper. If you’re done with the validation, you may start administering the survey so you Can retrieve ahead and make your interpretation and conclusion."
FUCKING HELL. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE US SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS. SOMETHING LIKE, "GO SEE ME AT THE OFFICE AROUND 5 PM TO WORK ON YOUR THESIS". BUT THEY ONLY SAID THOSE VAGUE INSTRUCTIONS WITHOUT EVEN GIVING THE SPECIFICS. THEY DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING TELL US HOW TO VALIDATE. THE ONLY SPECIFIC INFORMATION THEY GAVE IS ONE RANDOM NAME OF SOME SCHOOL TEACHER I HAVEN'T HEARD BEFORE.
Hell, I don't even fucking know what they look like!! WHAT'S FUCKING WORSE IS THAT, MY CLASSMATES SAID THEY HAVE TO GIVE FOODS AND SHEEP TO THE VALIDATOR SO THEY'LL AGREE TO VALIDATE THE PAPER?! Are they priests that requires some fucking tithes or something?
I fucking know how this goes. These fuckers expect us to communicate and collaborate with our classmates to exchange encouragement and information, allowing us to do the entire thing by ourselves. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M TOO FUCKING AUTISTIC FOR THIS. Vague instruction, random name drop, no specific commands, requiring forced informal social interaction. Every single one of these things target all my weaknesses at once! I'm absolutely fucking cornered man.
This is.. already over. It's a losing battle. I can't win this one. After all these years of being a student, barely managing to survive final projects and requirements, I'm going to get completely cooked by this one on my final year. There was always specific instructions and alternatives for the previous final projects. But this time, none of those exists. Sigh...
Still, by virtue of being human, I am obligated to try my best, to claw my way out of despair no matter how hopeless the situation is. I'm not a protagonist, I don't have a plot armor. All this struggle may as well be in vain. But this... this is my duty. I have to charge one last time to the frontlines fully knowing that this battle is already lost.
I'll probably lose an arm or a head. But it's fine. It's my last battle for this stage. Regardless whether I succeed or not, I won't be here anymore.
Let's go.
It's time to decorate our graves.
March 30, 2026
For 12 hours I wore this shoe today until it completely died and broke down at the end.
In the first 8 hours, I went to school with the third part (in this image) already halfway broken. Those who are following me at the back can see it flapping whenever I walk.
In the next hour, I walked to our store. While walking on the streets, the third part completely fell off and broke apart. Leaving only the first part and porous second part where rocks come through.
Still wearing that kind of shoe, me and my family went to the mall to eat some fast food for the next two hours. The same lame fast food we've eaten during celebrations.
In the final hour we went home, riding the rickshaw. The second part was breaking apart. When we arrived, the second completely broke off.
And so my shoe is finally dead. How enviable. Rest in peace, black shoe. You did great. You held on for long enough. You're the first shoe I've ever had that got completely broken apart from repeated use. I shall follow your glorious footsteps soon enough.
Ah yes, chronic hives and swelling lips, my old friends. It's good to see that you have returned.
I've dropped out of college. That's 16 years of my life I'm not getting back. That's hundreds of thousands of money that I'm not getting back. I'm reminded of the biographies I read about geniuses who dropped out of school. Will I become one of them too? Or perhaps I'll become the thousands of people who didn't become one for every person that did.
My bag that I bought just a few months ago. Why's there always a thin layer of fabric inside? It often gets ripped apart by zippers and umbrella, turning the insides into a multidimensional fracture. Thanks to that, I now have two additional pockets in the bag.
Did you know? I used to play god of war in ppsspp. Of course, I selected the highest difficulty, much to my regret. Spin, spin, x, triangle, reverse spin!! Dead. Repeat. I've never got to finish that game. But if I were to play another game and get to choose the difficulty, I'll choose the highest difficulty again. Sheesh, I never learn, do I? It's too bad I can't quit this game called "life". Damn it. Why did I have to choose the highest difficulty?
I seem to have the mistaken notion that higher difficulties would be more fun. Well, it is fun.
But not for long.
Riding the vehicle to success is simply too suffocating and full of motion sickness. But is walking on a dirt road under the scorching sun any better? Only if you can talk to plants, trees, animals, and humans along the way. Only if you can sit on the dirt and sleep on the rocks without being bothered by it. Unfortunately, I can't do either. I am bothered by everything too. Just what kind of ridiculous existence this is? Maybe I'm just too spoiled for my own good.
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA spoiled? You wish. You've been barely surviving misfortune after misfortune ever since you were born. Is it your fault to be condemned to a life of misfortune? Does this question even matter?)
This truly, terribly sucks. I'm supposed to move without any ounce of dopamine or motivation in me. I'm supposed to approach and believe people without a single shred of trust in me. I'm supposed to smile despite never learning how. I'm supposed to exist in a world that's completely incompatible with every fiber of my being. Why? Just why? Just what kind of wicked ducker did this?
I can't even think of giving up. It's physically unthinkable. How dare?! HOW DARE THIS SPIRIT OF MINE BE SO DEFIANT AND STUBBORN WHILE BEING SO WEAK?! Only the strong has the right to be defiant and impose their will upon the world. Such a lame and pathetic creature has no right to defy the universe. They can and will only harm themselves in the process of doing so. Living creatures must always know their place in the world and be content with the life they have given. To go against this principle is to against the universe, it is both futile and unreasonable. A great hope separated from reality would only breed great despair.
How unnecessary and ultimately... futile.
So why? Why keep going?
I can't stop.
Where? Where are you going?
I have long forgotten.
Look at you. How will you go there?
Don't know. Doesn't matter.
Please stop.
There's nowhere to stop.
Why? You can stop here.
Look behind. I'm being chased.
By who? Why are they chasing you?
I.. have long forgotten.
...
April 18, 2026
Hives, hives, hives everywhere. Now that the permanent itchy bumps are gone, the hives returned to take control of their territory, appearing from time to time.
Our bedroom, for some reason, makes me feel so dizzy that it makes me want to puke. It doesn't smell or anything. But it feels like there's something wrong with the air, pillows, beds, floor, ceiling, all of it. It feels poisonous.
I dropped out of college a few days ago. But for what? Because I'm not going to class, I have no excuse not to attend the farm labor assigned to me tomorrow, where I'll have to carry a one-ton sprayer on my back under the scorching sun just to walk slowly for several kilometers spraying crops while getting my feet buried in soil, insects, and ants.
I said that I'll go find some work. But really? Believe me, I have tried finding online work for several years on the net and they all fall into three types: most of them are scams, some of them are real but illegal, and some of them are real but requires a crazy amount of requirements and government documents.
I've tried and tested my supposed powers too and evidence says that they do not work at all, that I don't have any powers at all. Given with these information, it all seems hopeless. But this is not the only information that exists. There are still so many things that I do not know, and the addition of new information could provide me with new hopes. It is important for a rational human being to judge the situation not only in the light of what they know, but also in the darkness of what they do not know.
I still kept thinking of that physician who diagnosed me with persistent depressive disorder. There's a hint of truth in what they're saying, sure. But I feel like the moment I believe it, will be the moment I'll actually fall into real depression.
I'm functional, I'll always be. I may not remember much anymore. My mind may be too tired to think. And yet, and yet, I can't stop moving. There's always this vague feeling where there's somewhere I need to be, somewhere I must go, to do something that only I could do.
Sure, my situation seems hopeless. My physical environment looks a little poisonous. My mind seems incapable of asking for help. My legs are covered in endless itch and pain. But how can I stop? There are facilities and systems that I still need to build. There are plenty of organizations that I still need to create. My future students are waiting for me to build their school. I know that I'm too weak, too autistic, and too feeble to actually accomplish those things. And quite frankly, it's so embarrassing to admit that I have such grand ambitions.
Still... I have to go. I need to go. I cannot stop now.
All of these itches and pains. They cannot stop me. They can make me forget the details, but they'll always remind me what I must do. All of this, my future students and children will experience the same if I do not move. I know that I might be delusional; no, I am delusional. But can you hear it? It's the cries of my future children. The voices of my future students. The anticipation and cheers of my non-existent readers.
HOW CAN I EVER DISAPPOINT THEM?! I may disappoint everyone else but there's no way I can ever disappoint them.
I will go.
Don't you think it's hilarious? A lame autistic kid who's only good at running away and hiding, saying these ridiculous things as if they're a protagonist, knowing full well that no matter what they say or write, they'll still keep living like a coward.
Don't waste your time reading these things, there's no way they'll be able to reach somewhere or fulfill even a tenth of their dreams.
It's time to ask that same question again.
Who am I?
Should I be defined as my weaknesses, as a weak and autistic kid?
Should I be defined as my strengths, as a visionary and system designer?
Should I be defined by my present circumstances, as an unemployed college dropout?
Should I be defined as my future fantasies, as the first emperor of the Modern Human Empire?
Should I be defined by my instincts, as an all-devouring chaos beast?
Should I be defined by what I lack, as a friendless and penniless human?
There are so many questions. Yet my attention is captured by that orange kitty who wandered inside our subdivision. It is precisely because I only want to touch and pet it that it's avoiding me, yet it will come to those who keep feeding it and take care of it. It is not that possession is evil, but it is the possession that creates and nurtures that is so accepted and celebrated in this current society. Writing this does not change the fact that the kitty keeps meowing loudly inside its dark home, as if calling for something that would never come.
That's right, I forgot something. Should I be defined by my way of thinking, as an analytical and systematic observer?
All these definitions, and not a single one of them is me. And please stop meowing, little one. No one will ever come how much you meow. Preserve your energy or walk somewhere. Do not bother us.
I should stop meowing too. I may not know who I am, but I know that I'll need to sleep early to go to the farm tomorrow.
These are days.. This is a day. What. What am I. Supposed to write again?
I was supposed to find jobs over and over. A rollercoaster of hope and despair. Days of neither school nor progress. Days of nothingness. Imagination and desires fill the cup. It takes only a single impulsive moment. A single slip in self-control. For life to become an after.
I'm losing it. Losing what? What is it? When all thoughts of future disappears, the only thing life is the bite. To bite, chomp, munch, gulp everything in the now.
What is this thing? Look. It's strange. It keeps telling me that I can get away with it so easily. A talking snake? I don't need a talking snake just to bite a fruit. But this fruit.. will ruin everything I've built so far.
Hope, hope, hope. I have always hoped. The worst outcome is not not getting what I hoped for, but losing my hope entirely. What is there to hope for? It will always be delayed, postponed, and scammed. What is there to wait for?
There are ten thousand loan apps over there. Should we bite? BITE, CHOMP, DEVOUR. I.. don't want to bite. But I am nothing without the bite. Who am I without the bite? Does the world not exists to be eaten?
Tomorrow is my birthday. Huh. HUHHHHHHHHHH. That was fast. But they'll celebrate in the worst way possible, by taking autistic me to the stupid family reunion.
The world is vast. I still have legs. I can walk. Forever. To nowhere. To here, and there. To keep walking. One step after another. Isn't that progress?
I am scared. So scared. That the world isn't strong enough for my steps. That the world isn't big enough for me. That the world wouldn't be able to contain the real me. That the security measures of this world won't stand a chance against my bite.
There are infinite ways and methods to a single outcome. The no-method, waiting, letting time do its course, is the slowest, most painful. But it still leads to the outcome.
In the darkness, compass doesn't work. Not that you can see it anyway. Sensations. Feelings. One become a mindless beast following sensations of warmth and light. Fire. They'll be creating and expanding destructive fires everywhere they go. One will not be aware of the destruction they cause. When everything comes to light again, only then they will realize what they have done.
Perhaps, this is what they call Despair.
It starts with the collapse of thought structures and mental structures. Goals are forgotten. Schedules lose meaning. Creativity dies. Fatigue and lethargy pervades every thought and muscle. Rationality becomes a slave to instinct.
One may attempt to crawl out of it. Remaining in this state for long, attempting several escapes and failing, results in Desensitization. What was once terrible simply becomes normal, a fact of life. What was once painful becomes normal. Comfort and convenience are treated as strange anomalies. One would become blind to the pleasures of life. Pain and fear becomes home. Morality turns grey.
Corruption. When one feels nothing but extremes, one seeks nothing but extremes. Instinct takes over, morality collapses. Identity shatters. One stops caring about what's right and wrong, only thinking about what's fun and interesting. When the guardrails decay and the harness falls off, the horse will go on a rampage, not knowing that it would soon fall from a cliff. Fear itself collapses under the weight of despair. All monsters that was once contained by Fear would be violently set free, and everything turns to Chaos. Pain and hunger becomes home.
When one is still alive after all that, what remains is Destruction. A raging fire that consumes everything in its wake, spreading everywhere until it consumes itself. In this state, those who cannot destroy themselves would destroy everything around them. The entire world becomes pain and hunger. Everywhere is home. Crimson flowers begin to sprout and bloom around them.
Truly, life is beautiful.
May 15, 2026
I have a really bad feeling about today. If the bad thing doesn't happen today, then it may happen this week. I doubt I'll have enough time to escape this time. I'll have to press alt+f4 and remove the plug as quick as possible.
It might really be the end of this run. If I don't post any updates or articles within a month, consider me a goner. If you're reading this, don't follow my steps.
Live.
Hm the bad thing didn't happen, ig I'm fine for now.
Consequences feel more blurry than usual. The process of desensitization is almost complete. The path to ruin is clear and unmistakable.
May 16, 2026
So it happened after all. It happened so discreetly that I felt like I can escape. I woke up extremely early. But for some reason, there's a guard standing outside. Is this.. checkmate?
I might have to end this run before the morning ends.
Sorry everyone. It's been fun. I doubt I'll be able to last for longer tho. I have no idea how I'll escape the guard btw. It's ridiculous that they woke up this early when they usually wake up 3 hours later. The universe has it really out for me ig.
There's no escape huh.
Nvm, after patiently waiting, I managed to find a path for escaping. Looks like I'll finally be able to fulfill one of my dreams, for real. Unlike last time, I'm not too concerned about my survival anymore. This is the real deal.
IT'SSSSSSS EXECUTION TIME! (cue danganronpa execution soundtrack)
Isn't it interesting? It's barely been a few weeks after my 24th birthday. And my story ends in the 24th chapter of despair too. Coincidentally, there are only 24 hours in the clock before it resets. Wait!! I just realized, I can finally tell myself that I have lived for dozens of years! Fuck. I just realized it's actually the 25th chapter instead of 24! Perhaps I have lost my mind so much that I couldn't even count. Now it's not a fun coincidence anymore TwT
Who would have known that such a simple, impulsive action would lead to my demise? Truly a pathetic and cowardly ending worthy of me. It was my folly to trust that humans can keep secrets in the first place. Even this article, too, relies on the assumption that everything shall be revealed in due time.
First of all, I'll need a worthy trash can to dispose of this garbage. Btw I saw a lot of dead frogs and even a bloated dead puppy while walking. Ah, death is ever so marvelous! I wouldn't be able to experience this beautiful execution if it weren't for their mercy, I would have simply pressed alt+f4 and start a new game.
Damn it. Where are the trash cans? The garbage sacks?!
Found it! Now, I have nothing with me that can be traced to my identity. I should delete all my phone's contacts too, just in case.
Hm I'll be heading to the direction of waterfalls and mountain. I only have 77% charge left and I didn't bring my charger. Why would I bring it when I didn't come here to be serious? I'm only here to enjoy the scenery, to witness the execution and final moments of this story. You only bring your charger when you're planning to stay for a long time, and I won't be here for long. Shit, I should have at least brought my fan lmao.
I found a wooden waiting shed. It's a little shabby but that will do. I'll spend at least a few hours here to rest and write my final words.
So much for being a sword. I bent in the end. I didn't even do much. I simply placed my finger on the flame and immediately recoiled from the heat. What I didn't know was that the fire would spread to my entire life and consume it.
What a shame. Even after all that, despite all the theatrics and dramas, I'll still meet a dog's end. The prophecy, the promises, the dreams, what distant stars.
I tried so hard, and got so far.. in the end, it didn't even matter. I had to fall and lose it all
It'll be nice if someone found my articles, spread it, and made fortune from it. But it's okay if no one sees it. is it.. really okay?
It's all my fault. I failed to suppress the media. I aimed the gun and didn't shoot. Of course, they'll be out for my blood. A coward from the beginning til the end. Haha aren't you so consistent?
Damn. And here I just downloaded a lot of manwhas. I just downloaded frieren season 2 and haven't watched episode 1 yet! I'm only two episodes away to find the ending of Gnosia. And I only have 72% left... Shit. I haven't finished Danganronpa v3 either. I still need to finish the investigation and class trial for chapter 3.
AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Did you know? I suck at writing story endings. I tried to write one just a month ago. And you know what happened? I erased it. Now here I am writing another ending for this dogshit story. Except I'm not erasing it this time. I'll write until the curtains fall. I'll write until the pen breaks. And wherever it ends, it ends.
Sigh. So much for that. I don't hate them. I don't hate anyone. I don't do things because of hate. Well, maybe I do, but not this one. This is a very sane, logical, and rational decision on my part. Except it's probably a reaction to an irrational, maybe non-existent problem.
20%. Once my battery hits 20%, I'll say my goodbyes to everyone.
Really annoyed that my last impression is a monster. Not a terrifying monster, but an utterly disgusting, repulsive, and mysterious monster that's barely three feet tall. I suppose it's terrifying in its own way. Maybe it's better this way. I don't want to be a terrifying monster. I didn't want to be a monster.
It's 8 AM. The asian trading time starts. Sudden bursts and drops. Countless fakeouts at the beginning. Do trade highest and lowest gains at 9 and 14m, enter those with good structures before 10 and 15m. Reverse quickly when you're wrong. Check every 4 minutes. Close at the slightest warning. Start serious trades at 29 and 59m, check every 14m. Trailing stop at the slightest warning.
It's another day at mafia42. I should open all my mysterious boxes there. I doubt I'll be able to play it any longer. Rip to all my fame, I won't be able to open the game to claim the daily bonuses anymore. I suppose that's the least of my troubles.
Ah shit. It's my first guild war today at the new guild I joined. I even left my previous guild because they have too few members for the guild war. Damn, that sucks. Guess I won't be able to play anymore guild wars. Hopefully, I'll be able to play guild wars in the next story. If there's still a next.
Really wish this story could have at least ended on a better note. I know it sucked from the beginning until the end. But I'll be damned for wanting a happy ending! Wow I can feel my tears inside my eyes for the first time in ten thousand years. Looks like I'll be able to have an incredibly dramatic monologue before this ends, what a relief!
I've been forced to watch this story since the very beginning. It has always been terrible. I've always wanted it to end. But I couldn't. Now that it's time for my graduation, it is high time that I drop this story and watch another one. I have no attachments, not to life, people, or resources. What saddens me the most is being unable to fulfill my promises. Those are the most beautiful things I have. I truly do not wish to drop them. I wanted to continue this disgusting excuse for a story, even if it's only for my promises that I'll probably be too weak to actually fulfill.
But what can I do? Everything is ruined because of my cowardice and stupidity. I avoided everything. Now.. I really have, nothing left. Except my pen. Even at times like this, I'm still hoping for a miracle, for a stroke of luck, a falling star that would save this doomed story. I'm not expecting much though. Unlike last time, I really came here to write the ending. It's been milked too much already.
It must end.
I wonder what's happening to them now. Last time, they told me they all cried lol. I wonder if they're crying again, despite what I have done? If anything else, they should be relieved that I'm gone. There's no way in hell I'm returning there, not even if I'm given ten million dollars. Tho I might consider it if I'm given at least a hundred million dollars. They're probably tryna look at the bus terminals or something, but I'm not that predictable. I doubt the police would entertain them again, when I wasn't missing before in the first place. Well, they would probably entertain them for a few minutes just to get rid of the trouble.
Geez, tell those stupid ducking developers that creating a character who cannot and will not ask for anyone's help is just a waste of time and storage space. It's already a miracle if they can survive for a decade. Even deafs and mutes can find a way to communicate. But autistics? With the worst stats? They'll literally just wilt and fade into dust while in the middle of the crowd despite having ten thousand ways to communicate.
If you think about it, it's a kind of social darwinism, and it simply happened that natural selection didn't choose me. Or should I call it social selection? Maybe cultural selection? Ehh whatever. I tried my least. And I'm entitled enough to think that it should be enough. But it wasn't. So this story can go duck itself. Hopefully, the world would have a better gene pool after the story of this pathetic loser finally ends.
Huh I got a notification from a message, and here I thought I have disabled all notifications. My heartbeat skipped for a moment lol. It's too bad. This story must end unless a falling star arrives exactly on my hands. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It simply happened that I got a terrible roll on the dice, just like it has always did, and I decided that I'll play no longer. Since I have no ideas of returning or settling for anything less than an ending or a falling star, maybe I'll reply something cryptic. Only after I have ensured that messages do not contain location data, even in encrypted form. Hm I've confirmed it's safe. But why should I? I can't be bothered. Not that I'll be bothered anyway when I have made my decision and completed the desensitization. Maybe I'll reply after finishing this article.
Wait, a terrible roll of the dice? Spoken like someone who doesn't want to take responsibility for their own actions. You've always been avoiding everything, and your definition of taking responsibility is avoiding things.
True.
What now? I can rest here in the waiting shed as long as I want. But I'll be cornered when I need to pee. I'll be doomed when I need to poop. I'll be a goner when I'm out of water. Heh, wouldn't that be fun? I didn't make plans. I didn't need to. I only have one goal here. And it's going to be fulfilled regardless of my plans. I only need to make this as dramatic and interesting as I possibly can, like I always do. Maybe I'll walk and try to find food when I'm hungry. Eat grass when there's nothing left. I'd rather rest here until the sun calms down tho. I'm looking forward to how my instincts will try to save me and cling for survival in such doomed scenarios. And when the ending is nigh, it will be my time for my last performance. Before that, I'll be giving my remaining possessions to the nearest random person.
I'm glad. This chapter has enough length to be considered an ending. I think it's beautiful, if I say so myself. This may be the last writing that I can be proud of. I have done enough. I have written enough articles and helped enough people. May this short story serve as a lesson and inspiration for my non-existent readers.
This shabby and old waiting shed makes me happy. I wouldn't be able to rest at all if no one built it. I wonder what those builders were thinking while they built this? I wonder what they felt after they finished it? In an alternate timeline, I'll survive long enough to build more beautiful and comfortable waiting sheds. They shall no longer be called waiting sheds, but tRanChorian resting sheds instead.
Hm 1553? I haven't tried that before. I know this story is almost about to end, but new experiences are always welcome! Let's see just how effective the hotline is for autistic dumbasses shall we?
I checked that hotline. It's incredibly stupid. The one who answered the call is extremely solution oriented and their words are no different from an AI. Ig it's better than nothing. What a useless waste of time, energy, and phone battery. What's worse is that they focus too much on open ended questions, and expect that everyone would be able to answer them. Open ended questions takes energy and motivation to answer, that people who call these hotlines don't have. It should be 80% closed ended questions and 20% open ended questions, at least for introverts. They wasted a lot of time preaching moral stuff and explaining common sense sheep that they think I don't know. Tbh even ai chatbots are probably better than them. Now I only have 28% left lol.
The end has never felt so close. I ought to shut down my phone and open it later if the story hasn't ended. For now, I should check what general direction I want to head to. I also need meditate until the sun comes down. I may have my umbrella but I ain't marching under the sun. Hm there's too many waterfalls and some of them have entrance fee. I'll just go to the volcano then!! 31 kilometers. Half between west and southwest. West 2. Let's gooo!
The farewells are done. I only have 10% battery left. Sigh. What a disappointment I have become.
I have ten thousand regrets. Not even a dozen regression is probably enough to fix them all. Still, if I may have one final wish...
I wish, I could dance with her again one last time.
Oh and please, dear readers;
The actions presented here are done by skilled professionals, do not attempt this at home.
Why is there a chapter 26? It should have ended already. The journey ended anticlimactically by being caught by the police coz of the hidden curfew and got deported home.
Now the tumbler is ducking gone. The aircon is ducking gone coz I got quarantined in the isolation room. The electric fan left is extremely weak and tiny. Duck. They added another weak and slim electric fan as if having two of them is gonna help! Now the only thing they're missing is a big jumbo electric fan and the villain trio would be complete.
I could end this now. It's not even a big deal. It's just a little movement, then pop, back in time I go. But I haven't finished the gnosia anime. All the major trouble is over now, the only things left are background stressors. It's the perfect time to watch anime, read manwhas, and play games. My hedonistic calculus wouldn't let me end it like this, when there's still a lot of food on the table.
One thing I learned about this whole farce is that I can't alt+f4 quickly enough during intense situations. I'll need a fun purple candy that would help me do that using sublingual absorption. Until then I should avoid getting into situations like that. I'll add "fun purple candy" to the list of things to buy when I have money.
June 1, 2026
I failed at sleeping. For the first time in ten thousand years, I failed at sleeping at night. It is now 4:18 AM. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I closed my eyes, I could not fall asleep.
I could try the same strategy as yesterday, where I closed my eyes for 9 hours instead of actually falling asleep. But I can't seem to do it this time, as my hands and feet keep scratching my hives. Even the bottom of my feet in the middle actually swelled and got hives too. I didn't have any hives last night.
I believe that this is due to the withdrawal effects of antidepressants and antipsychotics. I took them for 10 days and stopped. Always, they made me fall asleep immediately after closing my eyes for a few seconds. They made me sleepy and made me overslept through countless alarms. And now, they're gone. To be precise, I stopped taking them since yesterday. Perhaps, due to how my brain adapted to these medications and relied on them for sleeping, my brain is struggling to return to the state that would help me sleep.
Extremely itchy. Extremely restless. Absolutely maddening. I'd rather not take the meds and rely on them again. But I wish I could have at least swallowed a placebo pill of similar size, shape, and color to my meds to calm my brain a little.
I wonder how the hell people with worse mental health conditions than me survive everyday? Surely, they don't take meds everyday for the rest of their life. Maybe their conditions get healed after taking the entire prescription and proper dosage? But they cannot possibly be exempt from the withdrawal effects. And the longer they took the meds, the more insane the withdrawal effects would be. How the hell do they survive that? I only did it for 10 days instead of 20 days because I'm not really depressed or psychotic. And the withdrawal effects already cost me a night of sleep. I cannot even imagine what the effects would be for those who took them for a month straight.
Damn it. The day hasn't even started and it's already ruined. Even my homeless nights was more peaceful and sleepy than this, despite having a proper bed and two electric fans. Entire day without food, half a day without water, I can somehow endure. But skipping an entire night worth of sleep?! My poor memory and cognition, they're going to get so fried. I'm going to become dumber and my genius would disappear!
Well, that's definitely bothersome. But it seems like this won't be the first sleepless night I'll experience this year. Sigh. I better get used to it. Neurotransmitters or not, the brain will definitely get drowsy after being awake for more than 36 hours. Let's just go through the day and complete our morning routine as if we have taken a nice sleep. I already got used to sleeping while sitting during my homeless runs, I will also get used to this, like I always do.
While these withdrawal effects surely make me feel like quitting the game ten thousand times over, the quit button is locked under airtight logic. Is there any serious threat to freedom and dignity? If there's none, then treat the current situation as experience points, as another character development arc.
Being tough isn't easy. While most people would already fold and scream for help when the temperatures rise, toug to be submerged in the lava for three business days before I calmly and autistically
The electricity disappeared while in tbe middle of writing this. Ha ha ha, very funny. What's worse is that I just ducking woke up from a hyperrealistic dream where I got invited to a gameshow in another city and won. Went there by plane with my family. Almost fell of the plane coz I was wandering around in the lounge when the turbulence hits.
I very clearly remembered having a friend who told me of this opportunity so I promise them that I'll give them the prize if I win. It was a prize of guaranteed success and progressive wealth. Not one million dollars but idk. I asked them about it and they explained that it's like they can borrow few money for free, deposit money, take some of the deposit, and they'll refund a portion of what you withdrawn. There's more to it, I feel like it's supposed to increase their overall luck too.
Duck me. I suffered like crazy at this gameshow and it all ended up being a ducking dream. I even told my dad "hey I'm not dreaming, right?!" And I was pretty sure if wasn't, but IT TURNED OUT TO BE A DUCKING DREAM. MY UNIQUE YU-GI-OH DEBIT CARD WITH $106 041! IT'S GONE, IT'S ALL GONE! I SWEAR I BETTER FIND IT INSIDE MY WALLET OR MY BAG HERE IN REALITY OR I'M GOING TO CRASH OUT.
So yeah, I had a weird uncle in that dream. They told me to go to that city for some reason, so I would have closure for running away or something. Then the neighborhood friend gave me an invitation card. That gameshow was ducking crazy. I thought I had to compete with only 4 other participants. First, they made me and everyone move around using a balloon-like fruit. It was so ducking hard to get used to the controls. You can hold it in behind-front of you so it would propel you backward, this is the fast option. Or you can hold it in front of you directly but it will only slowly move you forward while descending. I was so clumsy that it took me many tries to do it. The audience laughed at my agony.
So after that, there was this next game where the prize is the guaranteed success. Duck it. My memory is fading away. What was it again? I forgot but I remember being so lost on what to do that the audience keeps laughing and the host looks at me funny while trying to guide me where to go. I can't believe I won that one. I remember that the game was starting but something felt wrong. Because the hosts and audience were shouting at me for some reason. I looked around. Saw an error screen. Then I looked to my game screen. My game screen isn't turning on. But the other participants' screen is on. There was so much shouting and things going on at once that my mind turned blank for a moment. There was a countdown. 5 4 3 2 1. Then the game started without me. But they paused the game. Then I heard an even louder announcement saying that there's an error because I failed to type my name correctly. I forgot to add one letter in the middle of my last name. I apologized saying that I didn't get any sleep today so my memory is a lil broken. They asked me more. I said it's because of the withdrawal effects from the sleeping pills that I'm not taking anymore. When I won, there was so many extra details that was explained to me about the prize. Like if I used the prize to most successful national level, I should manually inform every government about it, from local to highest. But if I used it for... Whatever. I immediately gave the prize to my friend (even while I'm in the middle of the gameshow, center of stage) just like I promised.
There's other games. The next game I remember is the running game. It's simple, you just run a short distance, seems like 50m? And reach the finish line. Oh before that, you need to use the lame and weird funny slow bike just before reaching the finish line. In that game, I got ducking lost again. The hosts kept telling me to go to my place. But idk where is my place. The game is about to start again. The audience is laughing at my sheer lack of social awareness. I saw at least 15 participants on their lines preparing to run. I can't see my line for some reason. The hosts kept shouting at me.
So I just ran.. It was so late when I realized that I was running through the running lines, crossing them all in front of the participants instead of going back. The audience laughed again. But it's too late for me to turn back. I was running, looking at the direction of the participants for empty spots where it might be my line. They were looking at me dumbfounded, like why the hell did I run here in the middle, crossing their running lines, when there's a path at the back? I have no ducking idea either.
I saw an empty spot for running line and tried to go there, then the hosts and participants immediately told me that it's not my spot!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW! Well, they probably explained it earlier but I didn't hear! So the audience laughed again, even louder. I ran again crossing the running lines of participants. Found a spot. Went there. They told me again it's not my spot! The audience laughed EVEN LOUDER! This happened a few more times before I reached the end and found an empty spot. It has my name above it. Good heavens. The audience and hosts breathed a sigh of relief after that.
So the game started. They said to run so I ran to the bike. I was slow at first coz I was confused. Then I speed up running. When I reached the bike, I pedaled it. It was so frustratingly slow. So when I'm close to the finish line, I just pushed forward and intentionally tumbled my bike forward and slammed directly the ground in front of me, the green one with a label of the finish line. The audience laughed again. Then suddenly for some reason, all the participants left? I was alone. They hosts made me do weird things on stage. They made me ride a very very short rollercoaster (3 second). Then made me walk a strange wobbly path, only half a meter thin. I would have falled if not for the weird circus host holding the path still with his bare hands from above while riding a unicycle? What. The path was going downwards and cut off. They told me to jump. I saw there's only a few feet away from the ground so I didn't jump, I just stepped forward.
1 second. 2 seconds. 3 seconds of falling. It was then I realized that this isn't just a few feet away from the ground. I felt like I was reaching terminal velocity. My body was horizontal while falling. I immediately braced for impact, holding my hands behind my head so my skull doesn't get crushed. I bent my legs inward too. 4 seconds. 5 seconds. ... Fall. I think it was around 6 seconds of falling, that's what I thought when I got home after the game and made a mental note of calculating the real height. I didn't really crash the ground. It felt as if I was thrown lightly to a soft ground one feet away. "CONGRATULATIONS!!" everyone applaused and laugh. Turned out I won another prize? For what? I thought there's only one prize. Then they told me I won the running game and I'll get a cash prize. The replay was checked and it seems I won the running game by a slight margin. I won by smashing my face and my bike to the finish line.
Then they gave me a red Yu-Gi-Oh debit card with money. I immediately put it inside my pocket. The game ended but idk how to leave the gameshow. I was lost again. I used the balloon fruit to clumsily navigate around and find the exit. But the behind-front balloon fruit popped. I used the last balloon fruit to land safely. But it popped too, idk why. Good thing I was close to the ground when it did. So after countless minutes spent being lost in the game show, this time there's no audience laughing at me, only the gameshow staffs looking at me confused and dumbfounded, I managed to find the exit. My family and my friend congratulated me. I was so happy to win! When we arrived home, everyone was smiling and sharing stories. I asked my dad if it's a dream, and he was about to slap me but I backed away. I gave the debit card to my mom for safekeeping, and she scolded me saying that I should have given it earlier coz it might have been lost in my pocket. My mom asked me if I was secretly a wrestler coz of how I landed the fall, but I laughed and said no.
I liked the glossy gradient red design of my debit card with Yu-Gi-Oh written in front. There was plenty of numbers in it. 106 thousand dollars, it just occurred to me that I'm a millionaire in my country. Elated, I went upstairs and saw my sister playing the piano (we don't have piano irl), she asked me why everyone was happy. And I just told her that someone won a gameshow and we might be rich, that she can learn more about it by asking our parents. My friend and family laughed at my response.
I was thinking about the future, about the exact details of my friend's prize, about how my prize seems to be better than his, and how I'm going to spend the money.. I was surprised I got a friend, money, and happiness in just a day, I was thinking about how I was homeless just few weeks ago. Then I woke up.
It was 9:23 AM.
June 15, 2026
For several weeks, I spent preparing, praying, and looking forward to this day of Victory. I already have everything planned for the future. However, as the saying goes, everyone has a plan until they got punched in the face.
I tried to sleep as early as 10 PM, even though I usually sleep at 12 midnight. I woke up at 6 AM, even though I usually wake up at 10 AM. I prayed, to the gods of fortune, luck, and victory.
And yet I failed. Catastrophically. In the worst way possible. All my $30, gone, reduced to ashes. Well, it's not exactly mine to begin with. And maybe, that's exactly why I gambled all of them away.
Using the money I've saved, I deposited $10. Lost them all. Except for 0.3. Then I turned it to 0.5, 0.8, and 1. The $9, was my winnings from a giveaway. I gambled 5, lost 5. Gambled 5 again, got 5. Gambled 10, lost 3. Gambled 7, got 23. Gambled 10, lost 10. Gambled 20, lost all 20 for the same mistake that I lost the 10.
When my $7 turned to $30, I thought I was rich. That I was destined. I was thinking of withdrawing 10 quickly before it all disappears. But then, why not? Why shouldn't I gamble those 10 instead? And in just a span of a few hours, all $30 are gone. Gone. G O N E.
My strategy was perfect. It was foolproof. But there's nothing truly foolproof in this world, they simply underestimate what the real fools can do.
And yet, my mortal body, my mortal mind, cannot hope to execute such a sophisticated strategy for more than 6 hours. Indeed, I got the $30 after staring at the charts for 5 hours, then lost it all in the 8th hour.
What's worse is that it's not actually gambling. It's trading, a field of business requiring extraordinary skill and discipline. I only said that it's gambling because it would be far more humiliating to admit that I lost because of my incompetence instead of misfortune.
Y'know, that trading strategy, I found it during my most recent homeless run after I lost almost $10 there. And combining the fact that I won the giveaway, I really thought, no, deluded myself that I was destined to become some kind of genius trader. But no, I wasn't. I'm still a failure. I'm still a miserable sheephead with nothing better to do. How many times it has been? I have long lost count of how many times I got bankrupted from trading.
It's like a massive slap to wake me up and force me to face reality. My head.. feels like it's still heavy and reeling from that slap. It's all so frustrating. I want to run away. I want to return to main menu and load an earlier save file. But I can't. There are still options. Possibilities. As a min maxxer, there's no way I'll reset until I have gathered all information possible from this round. It really sucks, to be someone who's a slave to possibilities. To document all possible possibilities, you cannot choose a possibility that would decrease your existing range of possibilities either. Ugh, I really hate this job.
Maximum perfection and greed demands you to stare at 1 minute timeframe all the time. Although a 3 minute timeframe would be a better trigger and give you more room to breathe; a single, tiny, teeny, innocent candle misplaced in the 1 minute timeframe can send everything going to hell. I was tired. So I stared at 3m timeframes instead of 1m, and I completely missed that tiny candle. Duck that. I'm not going to stare at the charts 8 hours in a row ever again with only few minutes of rest in between.
There are charts that appear to be perfectly beautiful in 15m timeframes and higher, but they're an alternating mess in the lower timeframes. I call it intrachart pattern, it's like the unique culture specific to that particular chart. Sometimes the pattern is alternating stairs. Sometimes the pattern is sharp diagonal ranges. Not only do you need to remain fully aware of the fair value gaps in EVERY timeframe, you have to keep in mind the intrachart pattern, general direction, and maximum tolerable leverage ALL THE WHILE not getting distracted by the annoying dances of the 1 minute timeframe such that you will be able to DECIDE and REACT fast enough to place the position just exactly before the major spike happens. That's only if you're tracking one chart. But if you're tracking multiple charts at once, manually waiting for the perfect position in 1 minute timeframe? I'll leave that to your imagination.
I hate this so much. I've already ran out of beaches, education, and social life. Now my source of income is bankrupt too. Not that I managed to withdraw a single cent from it. I even.. borrowed load online just to get the mobile data I need from trading. I thought I'll be able to repay it with my winnings. Earthquakes again, can you shut up for a moment? But I've lost everything... Good thing I have passive income source that gives me $6 per month, if it's legit and the withdrawal function works, I can still repay it without ever needing to inform anyone.
Perhaps next time, I won't trade all-in anymore. Not because my trading strategy is wrong, it's a 100% success rate founded in the true essence of trading based on pure philosophy, but because my mortal body cannot hope to perfectly execute such a perfect technique all the time.
Did you know? My inner voice is getting louder when I'm trading. It notices patterns faster than me and tells me when to trade, as well as tell me when to exit position. It was basically shouting at me when I made that last mistake that cost me everything, telling me to exit immediately. But I was so shocked. That I probably made the same mistake twice. That the trade I just entered is actually a deep trap. That I probably just ran past the cliff and realized that the ground is gone. I was too high on my victory, too drunk on my rage of losing 1/3rd of my balance, that.. I can't believe it. So I... I.. looked down. And you know what happens to the cartoon characters who look down when the ground below them is gone?
They fall.
Just like I did. And before I knew it, I was splattered on the ground.
My entire day was completely ruined after that, so I spent most of my time playing idle games watching numbers go up... Life sure is hard. Guess I'll return back to sleeping late and waking up late
I could have moved a few steps back. I already knew I messed up. I could have only lost 0.3 instead of everything. There was one full minute where I could have decided to dodge and lose only an arm. But I couldn't accept losing an arm. So I clung to a fragile thread of hope.. which was broken just a few seconds later.
So plan F didn't work either. I suppose it's time for plan G — get a job.
Somewhen in October...
All that talk about powers and pride, yet the only thing that's always here, ever-present is Fear.
I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of humans. I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of living normally. I'm scared of living like a chosen one. I'm scared of repeating every single day in the same way. I'm scared of living differently. I'm scared of being the same. I'm scared of being unique.
Radicalized. Silent cry for help. I don't like these disgusting, cringe-worthy words. I have never did.
Looking back, the universe have spoonfed me countless gifts and opportunities. Yet because of my fear, I ran away from them all. And I'll probably continue to do so.
How pointless. Even if I set myself on autopilot mode for decades, I can trust my superself to manage everything just fine. This run is already a failure anyways. Lemme just read one more chapter. One more. And before I knew it, I have seen the end.
Besides, my superself have installed countless failsafes anyway. Even if I were to move purely by instinct and intuition, I'll still be moving on the right path. Just like these days. I have no plans, no goals, and no alarms yet I still wake up early and have time to write something like this.
That's right, it's already automated, ran by a macro. Even with my eyes closed, I'm confident I can survive until the very end. Why do I even have to bother when everything's so scary?
I'll be taking a long, long sleep. Wake me up when this run is over.
I played games and read manwhas for unthinkable amount of time. So much that my immune system weakened and I got sick. When I realized that I would rather play games than spend my newly acquired funds, that's when I realized something was really, really wrong.
I had to sleep from 2 PM to 6 AM just to get my sheep back together. With the immune system cooked, the hives returned and scattered all over my body. It wasn't a straight sleep either. I kept waking up every one or two hours. It feels like taking all the naps I didn't take at once.
It usually takes me only one day to recover from sickness. Looks like it's going to take 2 days this time. I really.. messed up. Who could have known that living with our eyes closed, would end up with us rolling and tumbling down the hill?
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I should have taken care of myself better. I thought I had no reason to take care of myself but now I finally found one; not taking care of myself ends up being incredibly painful and bothersome.
The problem is, even though we have outcome-based thinking, our actions are highly instinctual-based that we'd probably go inside the Experience Machine, thinking that we'll be able to get out after a while.
What's worse is that, because of the crazy things we did in the past, no one dares to scold us anymore or put restrictions in any of our actions. Although this grants us tremendous amounts of freedom, we don't know how to use it at all. Freedom without discipline ends up bringing more harm than good.
Usually when we spend the entire day playing games or reading manwhas, we spend the next day taking naps and writing articles. But there's nothing like that anymore. Our tolerance have increased so high that we can make the same terrible decisions every single day, with only sickness being able to stop us. I wonder, will a day ever come where not even sickness would be able to stop us anymore? That would be.. terrifying.
Games aren't bad on their own but they're best taken after a long day of work. One must learn to differentiate the desires of the mind from the desires of the soul. One of them are desires fueled by neurotransmitters while the other are desires guided by purpose.
Have you forgotten? You are alone. You can't afford to take these kind of risks. Didn't you always used to say "If I don't take care of myself, who will?" Look what you just did. At least you learned how it's possible for a human to abruptly end their story just by having fun. Don't end up in the news for something foolish like this. If you do end up in the news, make sure you'll be in the breaking news.
Sigh.. Go sleep some more. Recover your memories.