Clarity’s phone rings, and within ten seconds, mine rings too.
Clarity says, “Hey sis. Yeah we just got off the second-highest rollercoaster in the world!! Woo!!”
And I say into my phone, “Hello?”
“Hey buddy!” Mike says.
“Hey man.”
“What’s wrong? You sound like they’ve got the noose around your neck and they’re about to put that little hoodie thing over your head so we can’t see your eyeballs pop out when they hang you.”
“No, it’s just—”
“Did you have a hard time with that girl—what was her name?”
“Clarity.”
“Whatsa matter, dude? You two not get along?”
“No we got along fine—”
“Well anyway, good news buddy. Tonight’s the night I’m headed over to that costume girl’s—did I tell you about Anna?”
“You told me about her.”
“Well that’s the good news buddy. You can use my bed! You and Clarity can be rolling around like little sex chipmunks while I’m sniffing out the stinkhole of this junior costume girl in her house, in her bed. You know it’s so much better to fuck a girl in her bed, it’s like she’s letting you into her room and her puss—”
“I get it.”
“What happened to you, bro, you sound like you haven’t slept in a thousand weekends.”
“I guess—I’m just a little sad.”
“See that psychiatrist I told you about? I’m telling you—Lexapro is your ticket. They give you these sample packs—you have to pay two-hundred dollars to see the guy but the drugs are free. And I bet if you act like you have ADHD you can get some Adderall. Just Google ‘ADHD symptoms,’ act like you’ve got that, and—boom!—you’re in.”
“Mike, I gotta go. But thanks for letting us use your bed.”
“Ok, buddy. Cheer up, ok buddy, you’re never gonna get laid like this.”
“Thank you!” I say.
“I’m gonna be fuckin’ that girl’s stinkhole like uh, ah—” Mike reminds me, then we disconnect.
Clarity is still on with Purity:
“Well I’m sure he won’t mind. Purity, I understand you’re hungry. I know. I know. Well you might have to go outside your diet for this one meal. There’s a KFC right where we get on the highway. Purity, meet us at the gate. No. Meet us at the front gate. Ok. Bye.”
When Clarity and I get to the front gate, Purity is leaning against the iron bars with her arms crossed in what looks like a Wonder Woman pose—except she’s in street clothes.
“Did you get the job?”
Purity nods. It’s in the bag.
“Not officially,” she says. “But you know.”
“No, Purity,” Clarity says. “We don’t know.”
Purity showcases her body with her hands.
“I mean, how could you say no to this?”
The three of us walk out the front gates of Six Flags.
“Would you two mind not smoking in the car?”
“Why, Purity, it’s not gonna mess up your figure.”
“It’s just that second-hand smoke kills like fifty-thousand people a year.”
“Well anorexia is the deadliest mental disorder,” Clarity says, and Purity kicks her.
We drive through the KFC and there’s a huge line and it’s moving extremely slowly and my sleep is catching up with me and I get kind of crabby, like my dad if he was in a similar situation. I lay on the horn.
“Motherfuck. How long can it take to put some chicken in a bucket.”
“You ok?” Clarity says. “You want me to drive?”
I probably should have let her drive ‘cause I could hardly keep my eyes open, but some stubbornness, some ignorance within me wouldn’t let anyone else take the wheel of that awesome Nissan SUV.
Purity sat right behind us and Clarity sat in the passenger seat, feeding me chicken strips to keep the driver of the car she sat in healthy and happy, and by the time we were home and I had consumed a whole bunch of greasy chicken and each of us had swallowed a mondo Coke, we were all reset from the day’s exertions.
Ashley was already at home, laid up on my mattress watching old Real World episodes on my iMac.
“Do you have anything but Austin and Las Vegas?”
“Ashley. Austin and Las Vegas are the best.”
Purity flips on the light in Mike’s bedroom.
“So we can sleep in here tonight?”
I look in to see that the bed’s made.
“Yep. Those are clean sheets—”
“I don’t care if they have cum stains all over them, it’s a bed,” Clarity says, launching herself face first into it.
Purity closes the door, holding out her index finger for me to shake.
“Thanks for watching Clarity today,” she says.
“I heard that,” Clarity says, her face in a pillow.
I shake Purity’s index finger.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Purity smiles—a beaming smile—and she closes the door.
I retreat back into my own bedroom and sit beside my oldest and closest friend, the first girl I fucked, and I put my arm around her.
“I found your vodka,” she says.
“I can smell that.”
“How weird,” she wheedles. “I’m drunk and you’re sober.”
I take her pinch good-naturedly.
“That is weird,” I say.
Then I let loose a tickle explosion the likes of which the world has never seen, on my best friend in the world.