My experiment on radical honesty has almost reached its conclusion. It felt really freeing, but only for a little while. When honesty reaches its maximum point, the person becomes a slave to their desires, cravings, and intrusive thoughts. Although they may innocently just state their intrusive thoughts and cravings for the sake of it, they may end up believing and identifying with it the more they say it. And when a person identifies with their desires and intrusive thoughts, they become more selfish and greedy. They may think to themselves "I'm only being honest to my true nature, this is how I was born." When in reality, they have lost themselves, they've been completely possessed by their own selfish desires, that they have no more regard for their own lives and others.
What does it really mean to be honest? It may seem like just stating the truth but it's more complicated than we can ever imagine. According to my experiments, the truth is never that simple. For example, when we say our intrusive thoughts, do we actually believe them? Are we going to actually do them? Although it may seem like a joke and others can just assume that we are lying, it is still a lie. Thus, saying our intrusive thoughts is not only dishonest, but it is also selfish.
What about saying our sexual desires? Is it honest? Yes, it is honest in a sense that you feel it right now. But it is not honest in the sense that you will feel the same way forever. Emotions and desires, works well for telling us what is missing, inadequate, and excessive. But using them to guide our words and future actions is not a good idea. They are sources of information, not sources of action. Each and everyone of our actions must be intentional and come from a place of pure awareness. Sigh, what's the point of being honest if one is inconsiderate? A sword is good for protecting people, not for mindlessly slashing around or using it for one's selfish desires. Honesty should not be used in isolation, it should not be used for the sake of it, rather it should be wielded for the sake of protecting and nurturing others. As humans, we do not only have the duty to take care of ourselves, we also have the duty to take care of others.
It is not a good idea to fill ourselves with extreme emotions to deal with the emptiness. When there are no emptiness left within us, we cannot pause to reflect on our actions, we lose the awareness to see how our actions would affect others. The emptiness is not something to be completely filled and avoided. It is a space for our mind to contemplate and our soul to rest. We will feel overwhelmed without this emptiness. And it is so much better to feel bored than overwhelmed. When we are completely full with emotions, we may have the honesty of desires but lose the honesty of awareness. It is the honesty of awareness that can help us protect and care for others and ourselves, while it is the honesty of desires that makes us act in selfish and inconsiderate ways.
The blank canvas is neither empty nor dishonest. Rather, it is filled with awareness and potential. It is within these potentialities that the phenomena called "mind" exists. There are different kinds of things that exists within the canvas. The first is potential, the empty part of the canvas is the awareness itself, always being constantly filled with possibilities that are coming and going, just like the water in a river. Some of these potentials are good or bad depending on our memories. The good potentials we see, we trace them on the canvas to make them last longer, and when we draw them, they take up space in the canvas. These traces and drawings caused by our own attachments to these potentials are the second kind, they are called desire. When the canvas is filled with desires, there is little room left for the empty space. Our awareness decreases the more our minds are filled with desires. When the canvas is full, we will not be able to see life for what it is, but rather for what we want. Life itself becomes merely a means to fulfill our desires. Awareness of things that are coming and going disappears.
Whenever we observe our breathing, we create a bubble of emptiness in the canvas. The more we observe our breathing and practice mindfulness, the greater the emptiness becomes. Since the emptiness is the awareness itself, we become more aware of the present moment, of our intentions and actions. Increasing the emptiness is like increasing the width of the river, more awareness will be able to flow through. When you place an empty open container on the ground, it is not empty, it contains the entire universe. When the canvas becomes completely empty, it becomes like an empty vessel, it is able to contain the entire universe within it. A mind that can see all things for what they are, their arisings and fallings, is no doubt a honest mind, no it is beyond that — it is a mind that can see and speak of truth.
When we see lies and believe them, then we share it with others, are we being honest or not? We are being honest because we are only saying the things we have seen. Yet being honest does not mean we are telling the truth. Thus, we should not only try our best to be honest but we should also be responsible for our words. To be responsible for our words is to ensure that the origin of our information is something that is confirmed to be true, not simply based on pure speculation. If honesty is like a sword, then it is important to wield the sword with responsibility, by ensuring that it doesn't cause others unintentional harm.
The most important form of honesty is self-honesty, the ability to be honest with ourselves. If honesty is a sword, then self-honesty is the sheath that contains a sword. A good sheath maintains the sharpness of the sword and protects it from the elements. Likewise, it is easier for us to be more honest with others if we are first honest with ourselves. What does it mean to be honest with oneself? It means to admit to ourselves all the present reality we experience. For example, when we are itchy, we should admit to ourselves "there is an itch, and I choose not to scratch it", or if we do want to scratch it, then we should instead say "there is an itch, it might be wrong but I choose to scratch it". It means to admit to our wrongdoings with the same equanimity as admitting our rightdoings.
There are so many duties and shoulds. Am I suffocated by them? No, I am freed by them. Freedom born from ignorance is oppressive and self-destructive, while freedom born from awareness and restraint, is freeing and regenerative. Even though I am freed by these duties, one part of me dislikes them, protesting that it is dishonest to do the things you dislike when it's our own life, so we should only do the things we like instead. If one dislikes water, should they stop drinking water? No, then just because a part of ourselves dislikes something, does not mean we have to go back on our words and stop doing things. Instead of succumbing to our likes and dislikes, we should carefully examine them and understand why we like or dislike them in the first place I dislike these duties because they seem to make my life more difficult, but now that I examined them, I see that they make my life and the lives of people around me, more easier.