Who Needs Boyfriends? ‘verse
Rat: Not Rated
Cat: Gen, M/M, Other
Rel(s): Jeon Jungkook & Kim Taehyung | V, Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Jeon Jungkook/Other(s), Kim Taehyung | V/Other(s)
Bag(s)-n-Tag(s): Sex Comedy, Ero Comedy, Ero Dramedy, Dark Comedy, Black Comedy, Episodic, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Alpha, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Friends With Benefits, or rather longtime bros with benefits, Anal Sex, Sex Toys, Switching, taekook are both bottoms, please don't take this fic too seriously lmao, i'm just having a bit of fun
Summ: Taehyung and Jungkook are two alpha college buddies whose friendship has managed to outlast graduation, several shitty jobs, parental disownment (which Taehyung was honestly expecting), a nearly career-ending blunder in Jungkook's case, and a brief but disastrous camming saga. The reason for this is, of course, their sacred bond as likeminded gays who want nothing more than to be fucked: as hard as possible, as often as possible, with anyone who'll have them (but preferably fellow alphas who'll knot them and tolerate their kinks.) This is the story of their misadventures.
Notes: fair warning: this is not a romance. if you wanna see taekook in love, this might not be the fic for you. in this one they are friends, first and foremost, though sex is also involved. sometimes. QPR might be a relevant term, not that they'd know.
taehyung and jungkook also have relationships with other members throughout the fic. namely, there will be: taejoon, jinkook, vmin, and hopekook. some background sugamon in there too. i'll say at the beginning of each chapter which pairings, if any, will be involved.
Chapters:
(0) Exmilitary Blues — th past, how tk go from roommates -> th attraction to jk evaporating upon realizing he's just a cringe ass immature kid who's also a bottom -> friends
Notes:
- Adjusting to college social life after military service is rough (and not the fun kind of rough which is how Taehyung prefers to be fucked)
- His service almost got delayed a year because of injuries he got after stealing and crashing a car with some friends shortly after high school graduation
- But Taehyung displayed remarkable dedication to heal as fast as possible and pass the required physical
- Military doctor was very impressed and remarked how rare it was to see young people this determined to serve their country
- Internally, Taehyung thought: "It's not like I'm doing this out of patriotism. I did everything because I want to lose my virginity!"
- And oh was it worth it
- Despite the grueling aspects of service, Taehyung got the most out of his time by getting fucked as much as he damn well pleased
- In terms of getting laid, the military was a veritable paradise of horny alphas who wanted nothing more than to release their pent up energy by holding down the nearest willing partner and taking all that alpha aggression out on them
- Though he knew he had no chance against the omega guys, Taehyung learned to seek out the alphas for whom it was thrilling to dominate someone of the same type
- Sadly, this all ended once Taehyung started university
- Away from that isolated environment during service, most alphas wouldn't glance his way anymore, and why would they when there were way more omegas and girls of any type?
- What followed were two years of getting beat up by offended asshole alphas, getting catfished when he tried finding hookups online, and notably getting decked by an omega once after propositioning her boyfriend
- At this point Taehyung's been having a dry spell for almost 2 years which is extra devastating when you consider his time in the military, which feels like such a distant dream already
- He kinda regrets going all out slutty because now he knows how good he could have it while being unable to relive any of that. But simultaneously that was the best time of his (sex) life and he wouldn't trade it for anything lol
- Since Taehyung is fairly internetted and fanfics had given him so much hope and expectations, he at first eagerly awaited getting luckily assigned a seducible alpha roommate
- Alas, no luck for him because the grand total of three dorm roommates he had in his first two years were all straight betas
- This was until the beginning of Taehyung's junior year wherein his new assigned roommate turns out to be smoking hot alpha Jungkook, a freshman fresh out of the military
- Taehyung tries vibing him out and concludes he's probably seducible (read: nice enough that the worst that can happen is him awkwardly rejecting Taehyung as opposed to beating the shit out of him)
- Also, from some opportune peeking after showers, he has ascertained that Jungkook has a big dick and he would definitely wanna be knotted by that, yep
- Jungkook is shy but nice overall and notably, shows no interest at all in omegas or even girls in general even when he gets asked out (which happens with some frequency because if Taehyung had not mentioned before, Jungkook is SMOKING hot)
- (Also interestingly Jungkook always seems to be bewildered when he's asked out and gets 100x shier every single time without fail. Kinda cute but also infuriating and makes Taehyung's stomach churn with envy)
- However, despite all that, Taehyung's dreams of eventually getting rawed on the daily by his hot roommate (a longtime top tier sexual fantasy) soon get dashed about a month and a half in, when Jungkook has his first rut since they met at the start of the semester.
- Whatever attraction Taehyung's may have held for Jungkook before pretty much immediately evaporates upon seeing JK try to fuck himself with a bottle of roll-on deodorant.
- Taehyung ever since then has just been constantly annoyed as he gradually, slowly, at a glacial pace, teaches JK how to be HORNY IN SECRET.
(1) Omegaphobia — jk's struggle, gamerisms, & tech addiction ft. always annoyed th
Notes:
- It's finals week, and Jungkook is down with a cold.
- "What the fuck did you even do? This whole semester you were doing so well!"
- "Uh, not really."
- "Well, better than me, at least!"
- Jungkook says it's probably not a regular cold because the day before he got sick, he encountered an omega in heat outside a coffee shop as he was going back to the dorm after picking up groceries, and he decided to help her by accompanying her to a heat clinic.
- And see, Jungkook has this strong physical aversion to omegas. Their pheromones are unpleasant in small doses, but with enough time spent in close proximity with one, he can get sick.
- "Jeon Jungkook, bless your heart, but you're a dumbass. If you knew this would happen, why'd you do it?"
- "Because it was the right thing to do! And it's better that I found her instead of an alpha who was actually attracted to her heat scent."
- SIDE B/C — THE KEYBOARD THING
TH: Yeah, I was fine living with you until the keyboard thing.
JK: [sweats nervously]
- cue flashback...
- JK using up all of TH's lube because some girl on a sketchy forum told him that lubing his cheap-ass linears with it would make them sound like $5 switches
- Clickies in the middle of the night lol (TH: Why do you hate me)
- "HOW do you own a $200 keyboard when you make me pay for half your meals"
- "This keyboard is EXACTLY why I can't pay for half my meals"
(2) Knotheads Over Soju — jk has a crush on th cousin (sj), th disgusted, not-not wingmanning, th actually also pining for the one alpha in the military who fucked him only once (gently) + actually respected him + was always telling him about his favorite novel (flaubert's "the temptation of saint anthony") but th couldn't understand why nj preferred the company of french prose by some dead white dude over the attraction/affection/company of others
Notes:
"Taehyung, your cousin's so hot."
"Dude, the fuck?"
th: hey kook, what sound does a rabbit make?
jk: what the FUCK man
jk: its 3am
jk: i have no idea
jk: how the hell am i supposed to go back to sleep now???
(3) Devil in a New Suit — turns out namjoon is famous in the outside world, oops! famous rapper/producer under a major independent hip-hop label. even worse, he's about to get married to his childhood sweetheart: omega dude who also works at that company, ALSO raps and produces aka sg. god-fucking-dammit!
(4) Chaebol Fantasy — th attends sugamon wedding (uninvited). sits at the very back in all greys and blacks. they refuse to let him in at first until yoongi himself comes over and unambiguously decrees that th can stay. upon being questioned how the about-to-be-married couple knows this mysterious guy, yoongi simply says he's a friend of namjoon's during his military service. valuable important friend; do not bother him ever.
the guests reluctantly comply at first, try to gossip about th, but after one pointed glare from yoongi, they promptly shut the fuck up. th does not know what to feel. he feels so many emotions during the service: wants to scream, cry, lash out, kill everyone, kill himself, punch namjoon in the face, punch yoongi in the face, burn the whole church down. right as sugamon are about to finish their vows, the sound of a loud-ass and very conspicuous sports car interrupts.
disembarking from the passenger seat is jimin. to taehyung, he looks like magic: some kind of queer angel or fairy prince. AND the scent is undeniably alpha; cannot be mistaken for anything else. holy hell. HOLY HELL.
the entire chapel freezes at jimin's arrival.
jm: i'm not too late, am i?
yoongi cackles loudly and JOGS to give him a crushing hug, which jimin takes in stride, patting sg's back. namjoon watches them with a fond smile on his face, but does not move from his spot.
nj: did you bring the good stuff?
jimin laughs heartily and waves the 2 objects he's carrying: an extra large pumpkin spice latte and a... novel? hardcover, with abstract art as the cover (looks kinda like van gogh? but different), called "the assassination of julius caesar" in fancy all-english script. taehyung can't see the name of the author anywhere on the volume.
for some reason taehyung cannot fathom, yoongi then proceeds to grab the latte right out of jimin's hand before throwing it at someone in the middle pews—a female alpha with long black hair—who catches it effortlessly.
then, even more weirdly, yoongi holds jimin's hand and leads him slowly towards the altar.
the christian priest (th can't smell their type) steps aside and lets jimin onto the pedestal, wherein he proceeds to read from the mysterious tome he's brought:
jimin reads a long passage in perfectly and carefully pronounced english. taehyung does not understand a single word of it.
...but everyone in the chapel starts fucking clapping and cheering? huh???
namjoon is crying. yoongi is crying. the female alpha who caught jimin's latte is sobbing loudly and being comforted by several women and girls.
what in the fuck is happening??????
jimin then steps down from his post and gives namjoon and yoongi one kiss each, on the cheek.
sugamon thank him profusely, say they owe him with their lives.
out of sheer confusion, utter befuddlement, taehyung decides to leave the chapel.
outside, he finds another alpha: the driver of the sports car that had brought jimin here. the man is... there is no putting it delicately—ethereally beautiful. but in a different way than jimin.
also, this mystery man is leaning leisurely on the side of his slick black volkswagen. and he's smoking... but it doesn't stink? huh? smells like... flowers? cinnamon? taehyung cannot smell his pheromones at all. at first scent, taehyung had pegged him as an alpha, but now he's not so sure.
if taehyung did not know what to make of jimin, this other guy seems... impenetrably enigmatic.
and yet, he looks up immediately and smiles at taehyung.
"hello!" he greets. "i'm taemin. what's your name?"
taehyung takes a long moment to muster the voice to answer: "...taehyung. kim taehyung."
taemin: how do you know namjoon and yoongi?
th: uh... not very well, apparently. i kinda just crashed this wedding, to be honest.
taemin laughs lightly. his whole body shakes as he laughs, and it makes the cigarette in his hand conjure little wisps of vaguely pleasant-smelling smoke.
taemin: that's okay. they allowed you to stay, didn't they? that means you're a guest all the same!
th: that's... that might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. in my entire life.
taemin is taken aback.
taemin: really. well, that just means you deserve to hear more nice things said about you more often!
th: ok, you just beat your own record.
taemin throws his head back and laughs.
taemin: you're an interesting one. i'm busy today, but do you wanna hang out some other day maybe?
th: only if you're being serious.
taemin sighs deeply, his smile turning loaded, but he recovers quickly.
taemin: don't worry. i mean what i say. here.
taemin hands him a small, shiny black card. a calling card?
upon closer inspection, it reveals itself to be the logo and address of a bar: "Casa di Venere" located somewhere in Gangnam district.
taemin: whenever you're ready, just show that card at the door and they'll let you in. no questions asked.
taehyung just nods.
taemin smiles again, then takes out his smartphone—the latest iphone by the looks of it. white. no case or anything else.
it suddenly occurs to taehyung that he has no idea what jungkook is doing right now. he had left the apartment in a rush, way too early and with jungkook none the wiser. he also hasn't looked at his phone all day; he'd turned it off.
fuck.
(5) Reason for Workplace Complaint: "Got rawed at the office" —
(6) Take a Screen Recording; It'll Last Longer —
(7) Celebrity Crush —
(8) There's an I in Dating, But It's Still a Team Effort! —
(9) Black Sheep —
(10) In This Economy? —
(11) Country Boys Make Do —
(12) Old Flame —
(13) Easy Way Out —
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