If I'm not wrong, it should be the third time I'm writing something like this? Unfortunate, because third time's the charm.
Both the left and right flanks have been lost. The opposition is quickly encircling the remaining forces. They say nothing is ever absolute, that there's always hope. But in this case, I don't see much of a hope. At the first time, it was just some random whining about a temporary situation. The second time, it was terrible but it can still be stalled and fixed. But this time... it cannot be stalled anymore. Call it catastrophizing, but the only future I can see in the status quo is a complete, overwhelming defeat, as well as the complete annihilation of all forces.
After all these years, I can proudly say that I have tried my best despite the limited resources I have. No, I have went above and beyond my capabilities, surpassing my limits just to survive. And now, facing the threat of complete annihilation... there's only one logical conclusion. A terrible one, one that I would rather not make; that is, to order a full retreat.
As much as beautiful, romantic, and dreamy it would be to struggle until the very end like the ideal warrior, I... am too pragmatic for that. I know. It surprised me too. I've always been one dreamy and hopeless romantic. But now that I'm faced with something worse than death... I cannot help but be rational for one last time. Yes, seeing your forces get annihilated is a fate worse than death. Ending up as war prisoners for the opposition is also a fate worse than death.
I can accept my defeat. I don't mind sleeping in a coffin. But to have the rest of my forces join me as well? Damn, that would be one very crowded coffin! I wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully in it, would I? No, I would rather sell my soul and dignity if it means the rest of my forces can live.
Did you know? I'm actually an optimist. I know I can win if I pushed beyond my limits ten thousand more times. I know I can secure a victory if I sacrificed everything I have. But... I thought about it. A lot. Will I be satisfied with such a victory? Will that victory be worth it? Sure, it will definitely honor the efforts of the dead, such that their deeds won't be in vain. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LIVING?! The ones still alive right now? Shall they honor the efforts of the dead even if it means sacrificing their lives?
Sigh... Obviously, they shouldn't. I wouldn't want anyone to sacrifice themselves for me when I'm dead either. Besides.. it's just one battlefield in a larger war. Just because we can win here doesn't mean we'll win the war.
Yes, it's selfish. Yes, it might even count as betrayal to the fatherland. But what else can I do? The are no reinforcements. Most of our forces have been lost. We have tried every strategy and tactic except the last one; the forbidden strategy of self-destruction. Every thought, instinct, and feelings are telling me to retreat before we are completely surrounded. It's really, truly, unfortunate.
If I ever lose here, not only will my entire forces be annihilated, I'll be taken as a war prisoner by the opposition. What's worse is that I'll be forced in a verrrry slow, agonizing, and cringe character development arc while spending at least a few years of my life in a prison. Trust me, I already know how this goes. I've read enough stories to know that the author is going to force me into a useless character development arc on the areas that they think I'm lacking! It would feel like entering kindergarten all over again!! No, thank you. I would rather become a fugitive and infiltrate the enemy's headquarters alone.
I've always hated cringe social dramas, I prefer apocalyptic action survival instead. There's no way in hell I'm going to let my life become a ridiculous coming of age drama story when I've already long developed the necessary traits and qualities that the author thinks I'm still missing.
But if it's not missing, then I wouldn't be in this situation, would I? No, I'm only missing an evolution stone and the author doesn't know that. I've already fulfilled all the requirements. Once, I find and swallow the stone, I will be one step closer to reaching my final form!
Now that I think about it, many commanders would actually attempt the forbidden strategy just to win, even if it's for the sake of honoring the dead and their fatherland. I've seen it happen in a lot of stories. How noble and heroic of them... except I'm no hero. I.. don't want to sleep in such a terrible coffin filled with the stench of blood. I still have dreams, some of my forces still have dreams. Sure, I might win and survive in the end with few of my forces remaining. But really.. I- I don't want to live like this anymore.
I don't want to be sent to random battlefields anymore, especially when there's no reinforcements at all. At the very least, I would like to sleep in a coffin of my own choosing. I wouldn't mind if I lose in a battlefield that I have chosen for myself. But in the end, no matter how many carrots they dangle in front of me, this is forced. I am FORCED into this. AND THAT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON FOR ME NOT TO RISK MY LIFE OR ANYONE ELSE'S FOR SUCH A VAIN VICTORY.
Maybe it's already too late to say that. Many of my forces are already sleeping in a coffin. Perhaps I should have decided sooner. But it is only now when my forces are threatened with complete annihilation that I finally understand.
When one's heart isn't drunk in hope and their eyes isn't clouded by despair, only then they can see their life for what it is.
True, I'm a coward. Can't deny that. It would have been so much easier to be a hero and sacrifice everything for the sake of the fatherland. Or is it? Who can say that retreat is easier than fighting until the very end? Who can say that fighting until the very end is easier than retreating? Both have their own merits and difficulties. And by retreating, my forces and I might end up as a fugitive if the fatherland ends up winning. That would be quite problematic, wouldn't it? But still... STILL.
This is probably not the best time to say this. I'm not interested in victory or defeat. I want to live. Not just live like I always do. But I want to live differently. And I should have realized that sooner, like several years earlier.
I.. will not apologize for this. I will not complain if we become fugitives. I will not complain if some of the remaining forces hated me for this. I will take full responsibility and accept all the cascading consequences that may arise from this.
There's nothing else to say. It's time to take this story to its most logical conclusion.
ALL FORCES!!!
RETREATTTTT!
I REPEAT, THE BATTLE IS OVER!
EVERYONE RETREAT!!
"I will always speak of my life, just as how I always wish that someone speak of their experiences to me, including the darkest things, the crimson things, and the incomprehensible things. Yet such topics necessitate a level of metaphorical encryption that only those who have dirtied their hands and eyes with the truth can ever understand."